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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that some people just like being a matyr?

38 replies

Burgoo · 26/12/2022 18:57

I have been taken aback by the sheer number of posts in the past few days about how people's partners, children, friends etc make people feel "put upon" and that they end up "doing everything" and people don't appreciate them.

I wonder whether some people (not everyone obviously) secretly enjoy being a martyr and having a whinge about how they do everything for everyone and don't get any recognition?

If you don't feel appreciated you have three choices:

Tell them how you feel, directly and clearly
Accept that people won't appreciate you
Stay miserable

There aren't many other options really.

There is a great piece of research on the role of narcissism in martyr behaviour and how SOME (again, NOT all) individuals opt to do things just so they can moan later about how hard done by they are (I will try to dig it out).

Does anyone else get this impression or am I just heartless?

Please feel free to DM me any feedback, I am really open to conversation about this and I don't often check back on threads I make (1. it gets personal and 2. I don't like scrawling through old posts to find things).

OP posts:
cantforthelifeofme · 26/12/2022 19:08

I don't like to think myself as a martyr but I do live by a motto "if you want it done properly, do it yourself".

But yes I see what you mean.

Betwixlass · 26/12/2022 19:15

I don’t think it’s as simple as that. Let’s say you ask someone to do something then they forget. Later they ask you to do a favour and you do it. Before you know it there is a pattern of you doing everything.

It’s not deliberate martyrism. It’s a drip drip of people expecting you to give and don’t give back.

Heatherbell1978 · 26/12/2022 19:26

It's not that simple I'm afraid. I very much feel like this but complex family dynamics involving 2 sets of divorced parents, siblings all with mental health issues and a father in law who books flights without consulting with us first means as much as I'd love to tell them all to fuck off at Xmas, I really can't. We told father in law that he could only come for 3 nights this year after a week stay last year which stressed me out (he's difficult) but he claimed he forgot about that conversation and booked to come for a week. Told us this a couple of days before his arrival.

xogossipgirlxo · 26/12/2022 19:27

You’re not wrong. My mum is like this. Never allows others to do stuff, help her out, then moans that she needs to do everything. I used to hate Christmas at home.

daisyjgrey · 26/12/2022 19:28

Please feel free to DM me any feedback, I am really open to conversation about this and I don't often check back on threads I make (1. it gets personal and 2. I don't like scrawling through old posts to find things).

This is one of the most ridiculous things I've read all day.

Devoutspoken · 26/12/2022 19:30

Mumsnet is full of people complaining about doing everything, just don't

WelshNerd · 26/12/2022 19:32

Is this a secret test to find the martyrs?? I'm not going to DM you because you won't read your own thread Grin

SameToo · 26/12/2022 19:34

I come from a long line of martyrs. So I do go above and beyond, because that is in my nature, then I get to a point where I either stop doing stuff or tell other people to help me. People aren’t mind readers and I think a lot of people assume if someone cracking on with something they’re happy to do it.

RambamThankyouMam · 26/12/2022 19:34

Why would anyone DM you? This isn't Instagram.

Miss03852 · 26/12/2022 19:35

Some people find it hard to stand up for themselves and so just build up resentment instead of asking for help.

Scabetty · 26/12/2022 19:36

yeah, no, not anymore. Is that short enough for you?

Aintnosupermum · 26/12/2022 19:39

I have an exMiL who is a martyr and my exH was going that way. I just don’t pay notice to it. It’s their way of trying to manipulate and control.

DownInTheDumpster · 26/12/2022 19:39

I agree to an extent. I can’t imagine being with a partner who just doesn’t respond of help appropriately when asked. That would be one Christmas and then I’d be off. I understand more people being treated by family members as you can’t replace your parents and people are desperate to maintain those relationships but romantic relationships- no!

Lexi868 · 26/12/2022 19:39

RambamThankyouMam · 26/12/2022 19:34

Why would anyone DM you? This isn't Instagram.

This one made me laugh out loud!!

PenanceAdair · 26/12/2022 19:40

Please feel free to DM me any feedback, I am really open to conversation about this and I don't often check back on threads I make (1. it gets personal and 2. I don't like scrawling through old posts to find things).
**
Are you new on mumsnet? I was sort of with you until I read that. Are you conducting a research or something? It doesn't really work like that.

SnowWayOut · 26/12/2022 19:43

Please feel free to DM me any feedback, I am really open to conversation about this and I don't often check back on threads I make (1. it gets personal and 2. I don't like scrawling through old posts to find things).

Why make threads and posts if you don't want to read replies?

Catterpillarwithconverse · 26/12/2022 19:44

Maybe anyone who DMs her is official judged by the OP as a definite martyr

GrannieD · 26/12/2022 19:46

Some journo just realised they are back in work tomorrow me thinks

Oysterbabe · 26/12/2022 19:47

DH likes to make a big show of doing housework while I'm relaxing to try and guilt trip me for not doing it. Doesn't work.

WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles · 26/12/2022 19:49

Please feel free to DM me any feedback, I am really open to conversation about this and I don't often check back on threads I make (1. it gets personal and 2. I don't like scrawling through old posts to find things).

I'd lay odds of 10-1 @Burgoo is a man...

Like fuck would I be PMimg someone like this and I hope no one else would.

DuplicateUserName · 26/12/2022 19:52

daisyjgrey · 26/12/2022 19:28

Please feel free to DM me any feedback, I am really open to conversation about this and I don't often check back on threads I make (1. it gets personal and 2. I don't like scrawling through old posts to find things).

This is one of the most ridiculous things I've read all day.

Same.

It's hilarious though 😂

"I've taken the time to start a thread, but can't be bothered to read it"

FOJN · 26/12/2022 19:53

This isn't the first time OP has appealed for DM's.

littlepeas · 26/12/2022 19:53

Yes, many people enjoy being a martyr.

Asking people to dm you to discuss it is really weird.

PenanceAdair · 26/12/2022 19:55

I think OP has messed up voting. Many would be putting YABU after reading your last paragraph. I did.

But YANBU otherwise.

cantforthelifeofme · 26/12/2022 20:03

I'm tempted to DM you just to see what happens/if you reply 😂