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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Nephew (who we don't know) staying with us

40 replies

Plant2628 · 26/12/2022 17:23

Heading abroad for a holiday and to visit family. Husband is not from UK and from place we are visiting. BIL wants to fly nephew across country to stay with us for 3 nights (BIL can't come) and then join us visiting other family for a few days. Nephew is 14 and doesn't know us. I'm slightly apprehensive. He doesn't come from a great background. This will give him a trip away, time with us and to meet our young kids. Would you do this...?

OP posts:
MRex · 26/12/2022 17:25

Unclear what you think is unreasonable to know how to vote. Yes, I would do that, it gives the boy time to spend with you and other family. 14yo is old enough to travel around.

Untitledsquatboulder · 26/12/2022 17:27

Yes of course. Confused

bestchristmasever · 26/12/2022 17:28

What's the issue exactly?

thelobsterquadrille · 26/12/2022 17:29

Sounds fine to me - I assume nephew knows your DH?

What is it you're concerned about?

Original poster
Plant2628 · 26/12/2022 17:29

Am just nervous I don't know the child. What his behaviour is like, trust him etc. Probably my anxiety and the unknowns!! Awful background but not his fault.

OP posts:
Changechangychange · 26/12/2022 17:30

Depends - does nephew know any of the family he is meeting at all? If not, I’d find it a bit awkward to be looking after a random 14 yr old in a group of complete strangers. I’d also be concerned BIL is just using you for free childcare as I doubt many 14 year olds are keen to meet random aunties and uncles they known have any contact with.

If he knows the others and you are just ferrying him about/helping with logistics, I would be fine with it.

Coffeellama · 26/12/2022 17:30

Wanting to say no because of his background is unfair. What does your DH want to do?

Original poster
Plant2628 · 26/12/2022 17:31

He doesn't know DH. Other than by occasional phone calls. The child is very independent though. I don't think he's bothered.

OP posts:
JockTamsonsBairns · 26/12/2022 17:32

It could be worth a try, as you'll really only be responsible for him for 3 days (if I've read it correctly?).
Will there be a language barrier between you?
My DH's DB is married to a Spanish woman, and we agreed to take their 15yo DD for 3 months one summer, as she was "going off the rails". We didn't know her very well, our Spanish and her English was fairly basic and patchy - we all managed to get through it, but it wasn't easy at all. I don't think I would have agreed if I'd known what I was getting myself into!

Aprilx · 26/12/2022 17:32

I’d take it as a positive opportunity to get to know a family member. Am shocked you are so hesitant.

Clymene · 26/12/2022 17:32

Plant2628 · 26/12/2022 17:31

He doesn't know DH. Other than by occasional phone calls. The child is very independent though. I don't think he's bothered.

I thought you didn't know him? Confused

Wenttoohighwantdown · 26/12/2022 17:33

Well it would be a good chance to get to know him but I can understand some initial worry about it. Not sure I am misunderstanding but Is the most worrying thing that he isn't from a good background? If he was from a good background you would feel better? He's 14 and if he is willing to do this (including flying himself) - I would welcome him.

VioletLemon · 26/12/2022 17:34

I wouldn't. Due to nobody being present who knows him so I'd have no idea how to support him or if he wasn't OK, know what to do. I'd have anxiety around my own child and an unknown teen, no matter how nice the teen is. That's just me and I have issues with anxiety. Plenty of ppl I know would love to give a teen a new experience, without knowing them. Just not for everyone and I'd be really pissed off at being put in the position.

RunLolaRun102 · 26/12/2022 17:35

My bil constantly talks about doing this, but his DS is incredibly rude to people he views as ‘easy’ targets. I was upfront about this and told him I would only be prepared to let him stay if his behaviour changed. Said easy targets (my mother in law and sister in law) have to give me weekly progress reports about his behaviour. He needs to have a year of decent behaviour before he comes lol

Original poster
Plant2628 · 26/12/2022 17:43

Yes it's ridiculous I know but I worry. Just an unknown teen with us that we don't really know. But I guess people have Exchange students etc, take friends of children on holiday.

OP posts:
Sukisal · 26/12/2022 17:46

This is a really odd thing to be so worried about. He’s 14 years old, not 14 months.

Original poster
Plant2628 · 26/12/2022 17:49

VioletLemon · 26/12/2022 17:34

I wouldn't. Due to nobody being present who knows him so I'd have no idea how to support him or if he wasn't OK, know what to do. I'd have anxiety around my own child and an unknown teen, no matter how nice the teen is. That's just me and I have issues with anxiety. Plenty of ppl I know would love to give a teen a new experience, without knowing them. Just not for everyone and I'd be really pissed off at being put in the position.

Yes this is my problem. But I doubt he'd do anything to our kids or make anything up but I'm the type who analyses and assesses the risk of everything too!
DH thinks am ridiculous

OP posts:
Mosaic123 · 26/12/2022 17:51

Is he a similar age to your DC? If not that makes it a little tricky

Original poster
Plant2628 · 26/12/2022 17:52

No older but similar sport interests I guess

OP posts:
Fishwifer · 26/12/2022 17:56

No, I would not take legal responsibility for a minor for several days abroad when I do not know them and their guardian is several days away from arrival.

It does not matter how independent they are, I would not agree to the legal responsibility. You don't know them at all! Basically a stranger.

Build a relationship first, this time next year it would be different... Not right now.

Runningslow · 26/12/2022 17:57

I wouldn’t be keen especially if you’re seeing it as a holiday. A related unknown teenager is still an unknown teenager.

Original poster
Plant2628 · 26/12/2022 17:59

Family he knows will be 3 hour drive away who we will visit on day 4 and leave him there.
It's for 3 nights...just by way of wider input. Hard one. I guess it's a short period...

OP posts:
Onthecuspofabreakthrough · 26/12/2022 18:07

Three nights seems like nothing to me. What is it you are really hinting at with your talk of his awful background - do you think he will steal from you/hurt your dc/go out at night and buy crack?
You could do some video calls in advance too

Delatron · 26/12/2022 18:10

I wouldn’t - surprised at the responses saying it’s fine. Can’t you just see him when you see rest of the family at the end of the trip?

I wouldn’t want to be responsible for a 14 year old boy that I didn’t know and it could really change the family dynamic. All seems unnecessary. Fine if you’re all close but you’re not

bridgetreilly · 26/12/2022 18:11

It’s three nights. What on earth do you have to trust him with? Don’t leave him in sole charge of your kids, obviously. Just get to know him a bit. I think you are making a bigger deal of this than it really is.

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