Would you do this? Xmas gift related.

[limeicelemon]

If you have 3 DC and your S has 4, would you happily accept emailed gift vouchers for your 3 boys for £50 each, and then straight away email your nieces / nephews vouchers for £30 each?

You didn't say she requested £50 in your op

So you feel awkward because you can’t afford the same or do you just not want to do it?

if you can afford it give £50 per child back and discuss a budget per child next year.

if you can’t afford it call her and explain your situation, if she has an issue with it that’s mean & her problem.

If you didn’t want to give her kids £50 each, you didn’t have to actually do that, no matter what she said. Clearly her present to your kids is a bit mean, but you are not in charge of that, only your ownpresents to hers.

I wouldn't compare cost because everyone's financial circumstances are different 🤷‍♀️ very rude. ...

She's incredibly cheeky.

Next year I would decline the suggested amount and instead ask if she agrees you'll just have a lovely day out somewhere together in the New Year as a gift for all of the children. Swapping vouchers for children is really naff, and I definitely wouldn't appreciate being told how much to give, let alone then receiving less. If she says no, just say that you don't like swapping vouchers in general so you'll get them a gift.

I have more children than my siblings. We all give very similar gifts to each child. The only time I would consider how many children people have is if I have childless family/friends, in which case I get more for the adults as they've spent on my kids.

You've misinterpreted it. The OP gave £50 per child (as asked by sister). Sister then gave £30 per child back, pocketing the remaining £30 presumably.

It all seems a bit pointless.
Here's £**
Thank you here's your £**.
Why bother at all

This is a bit odd. My brother has 3 children and I have 2. We all spend the same amount on each child so it costs me more than my brother. I don’t mind, I can afford it. I don’t think my nieces should have less than their cousins just because there are 3 of them.

What happened was, she texted me about a week ago to say not to buy things for her boys this year as they are fussy, but they would really appreciate £50 for a certain shop (and some ramble about this thing I've not really heard of). She said probably best to email due to the post strikes.

So I sent them the vouchers by email as requested. I receive a text about an hour later saying basically, 'thanks very much and the boys are now spending the vouchers.' She also said in the same text that she has sent mine the same vouchers back as she wasn't sure what to get them. When the vouchers came through she had sent 4 x £30 vouchers.

If she had sent mine £30 in other circumstances, of course I would have no issue with this. It's more than enough. She always spends less on my kids anyway. I don't care about this as I have 4 kids, though personally, if it were her with 4 and me with 3, I would act differently. But this year, the way it was done was just very blatant and transactional.

It sounds fair to me.

Children in a bigger sibling group are always going to get lesser value gifts each, but they are likely to swap and share to some extent, and benefit from each other's gifts, so overall get a greater value.

If we are counting up the values, that is

It is a bit cheeky that she requested £50 from you but only sent £30 back. If she can only afford £30 x4 kids then fair enough, but she should have asked you for the same amount. Are you much better off than your sister?

Yeah, that is pretty shitty of her.

The amount of people that see this as transactions between adults are pretty shocking. There are children at the core of this, kids that are gonna realise their cousins get so much more than them regardless of how many siblings there are.

it should be x amount per child not x amount per family, how shit for them kids.

but in OPs instance her ds has been even more shit by having the audacity to ask for £50 per child then not only paying less per child but less overall, what a piss take.

I completely disagree with this. Imagine being at GPs for example and seeing your cousins get much better presents than you.

or discussing with cousins what they got, kids don’t understand that logic, it’s a very unkind thing to do. The person who has to buy more should set the budget they can afford then expect the same for their kids.

So she’d asked for £50 gift vouchers for her kids then waited until she received them before emailing back £30 gift vouchers? I think if you’d put that in your OP that you might have had a different response.

I think it’s really rude to specify the amount for a voucher like that. The waiting and only reciprocating once you received it is very transactional and the tightness in asking for more than you are prepared to give is tightfisted and not likely to encourage good feeling.

YANBU OP. You don’t have to expect 4 equal value vouchers for your kids to think your S has behaved poorly here.

My kids won't mind that the cousins had more in vouchers that them as they won't know about it and it won't be mentioned. Even if it was, they wouldn't care.

Yes, the pattern of behaviour is driven by the fact she sees us as 'loaded' compared to them. Her DS even once told mine that his mum thinks we should pay for everything when we get together. There is a whole catalogue of things, which on their own seem minor, but they add up - like always going to the bathroom when the bill comes (in a restaurant she has insisted we go to). It's the underlying attitude that irritates because it comes across as a kind of entitlement. They are far from 'hard up' themselves.

Am I a tight wad or is £50 or even £30 a huge amount for kids in this way, ie not your own children. ?

I refuse to take part in the big gift voucher / cash exchange anymore. Its soulless and pointless. I buy presents or experiences I think family will like and if I was lucky enough to receive a gift back I'd much rather it was something with some thought behind it.

Ultimately in your scenario though you should have both set a value and spent the same. Yours 4x £30 vouchers and hers 3x£40 vouchers that way you spend the same

That’s fair on the adults but not on the kids

I don't get what the issue is. She spent in total the same as you. Just because you have more kids doesn't automatically mean she should spend the same amount per kid ie more in total - that's comparable to splitting the bill 50/50 if the two families go out to dinner even though there are 6 in your family and 5 in hers.

What's the real issue?

Lol well its not exactly the same 50x3 = 150
30x4 =120 but either way meh

I would advise all newcomers to the thread to read OP's post of 18:23 for a clearer understanding.

1. I assume she couldn't buy vouchers with vouchers? Is that right?
2. She's right cheeky to ask for a specific amount! What a nerve! Next year get them a tub of quality street to share.

Demanding a specific amount be spent in the first place

£30 each for 4 DC is a huge amount each. Stop whinging.

That is exactly what my sister did, only not with vouchers. We would agree an amount, sat £20 per child. I would by her 2 dcs a suitable present. She would then buy mine one each for £15 or less. I have 3.
It took me years to work this out. We both have decent incomes. Once I worked it out, I just suggested we stop.

I came to the realisation 10 years ago, that my sister and I were being ridiculous with Xmas presents. She didn't want gifts, only cash. It got to the point where I'd give her back the cash, she had put in my kids cards. In the end I said it's ridiculous, so we just stopped all presents.