Friends set up with her child's dad

[righthererightnow10]

Am I being unreasonable to find this a bit odd. I have a friend who has a 9 year old. Her and her daughters dad are very good at co parenting, she seems able to go with the flow even when he is annoying her. However, they have such a close relationship that I find it very strange that they're not together.

For instance, Christmas Eve, her the ex and her daughter go out for a family Christmas meal just the three of them. On Christmas morning he went to his exes at 7 am to watch his daughter open presents and then stayed for 5 hours until they had to leave to go meet her family.

Last night she picked him up from his families house and gave him a lift home because he had some beers.

They literally behave like a happy family, whenever I see them together they are all laughs and joke and she still says she sees them as a family unit.

There have been other partners present throughout and although at times when they have other partners they don't remain as close, they still will go out for meals together as a family, the ex will still come on Christmas morning etc.

AIBU to wonder why they just don't get back together or aren't together if they get on so well?

No sexual attraction?

However, they have such a close relationship that I find it very strange that they're not together.

Well presumably they were together enough at one point to conceive a child together, and they obviously came to the decision together that they don’t work as a couple.

It’s quite a low bar that just because they can be in the same room as each other or go for a meal for the sake of their joint child that they should be in a romantic relationship.

Perhaps she's happy because this is the no pressure arrangement she needs?

I was like this with my ex before he passed away. Couldn't imagine sleeping with him anymore but we loved each other very much and were best friends

My parents were like this. People often asked why they weren't together as they were divorced. It's because life's complicated. You don't know what they've been through. They may both be very tolerant people who love each other as friends, but cannot stand to live together. It's basically like a hurdle they cannot get over due to something that happened in their relationship that you might not know about.

Presumably they're good friends?

Sounds exactly like ExDH and me. We’re good friends and effective co-parenters. But there’s no way in the world I’d ever entertain us getting back together because, you know, neither of us want to. I find your post a bit odd. Men and women have other settings apart from “couple” or “at war”, you know.

Sounds excellent to me.

Lots of people are better off as friends.

I think sometimes it’s easier to accept and get on with people when you take away all the expectations that come with being a couple.

I find it a bit odd that you look at it this way.

I have a male friend with whom I'm probably at least as close as these two are, from what you've described, other than us not sharing a child obviously, but if DH and I weren't together my friend and I would still just be friends.

Why do you think people should be in a relationship just because they (apparently) like each other and spend time together?

My uncle and his ex were like this and were very close friends. However the ex was more like a worrier, always visiting him unannounced and checking to see if he was ok. But no romantic interest whatsoever.

In any case, it would be great if all separated parents could be like this. The only thing that I would probably do is set boundaries in the beginning- only because and not all men, but the minute you start acting friendly/playing happy families, they would think that you want to get back together again.

This was the case with me and my ex husband. Our DD is now 35 and I remarried 3 years after we divorced when she was 6. My second husband died 14 years ago. After he died my exH helped me out with things around the house and we went out to the pub together. We were best friends. He joined us for Christmas day every year. We weren't romantically involved at all.
He died just over a year ago. I was, and still am, heartbroken. I miss him so much. Because he was my best friend and I had known him for over 40 years.

Probs no need for the word twat but yeah she's judgemental

As a child of divorce this sounds absolutely lovely! Spending time as a family unit and giving their child a sense of respect for each other and coming together to spend time with her must make it all much happier.

You have absolutely no idea what goes on behind closed doors and why they split up. She may have told you something like they fell out of love, but life is more complicated than that.

It's absolutely wonderful for the child that they can co-parent like this.

Some of my best friends are male and we spend a lot of time together but I would never want to be in a relationship with them! Very odd you think that just because they enjoy each other’s company they should be in a sexual relationship; do you have no platonic friends?

That's excellent - how wonderful for their daughter that her parents' split hasn't been negative and they can spedn time with her together quite amicably.

Because they’re grown ups; they like and respect each other and want to co parent to give their child the best life they can. But for whatever reason, which is no business of me or you, they don’t want to be together

You're not unreasonable to be curious - but there could be a thousand reasons why.

I have exes I am close friends with - we just didn't work as a couple for a range of reasons. One had a kink which I just didn't enjoy. One was too similar to me.

Oh please.

Some of us had a relationship that just fizzled out, no abuse/affair/other big bombshell, some of us come from high conflict divorced parents ourselves and have actively chosen not to inflict that on our own children.

My ex drives me and DDs to visit my Grandparents three times a year - they adore him and he lost his own years ago, and I held his/our children’s hands at their funerals after we divorced.

Me and DDs take ExMIL out for her birthday every year, I much prefer her to my own mother.

We attend Parents Evenings/Sports Days/etc together. We both pay half for their birthday parties/activities and we both attend (not so much any more as they’re in their teens now and don’t want either of us around).

I live rurally and our village throws amazing events year around, he’s City based and attends those with us when work schedule allows.

It’s really not that difficult to still enjoy his company for the sake of our DDs whilst not being sexually attracted to, romantically still in love with, or wanting him back at all.

My eldest DS & his ex try & parent like this. They have a young daughter & his ex has 2 older girls. So school or sporting stuff are just an ordinary day with 1 or both of them there depending on work. He has been with the girls too over this Christmas weekend.
So.much healthier for kids to see their parents parenting together.

Things like this are ok when both parents are happy with it and would also be respectful of the other’s boundaries if one of them wanted to call it a day in the arrangement.

It’s when one parent isn’t comfortable with it but goes along with it to avoid rocking the boat with the other parent (who is often controlling and won’t be happy with boundaries etc) that it is absolutely not ok.

Does he need to live separately so they can make the most of bennies?

Perfect set up. Exactly how it should be.