To feel conflicted enabling their obesity/poor health.

[Marina234]

I feel like a dick for this but need to get it off my chest without upsetting my relative.

Close female relative has been 23 stone+ all her life. Now has severe hip osteoarthritis bilaterally and needs replacements 10-20 years below the usual age for joint replacement.

This is entirely due to chronic morbid obesity but the person insists it's "genetic" because their 90 year old parent had a bit of OA hip too.

I am sensitive to this and would never criticise to their face. But now they're largely immobile they ask me to fetch them cake, biscuits etc. and if I eat anything around them they want some. I feel a bit like I'm getting vodka for an alcoholic at times or cigarettes for someone with COPD, and feel really ethically torn.

It's none of my business what they eat but it does involve me if I'm being asked to go to the shop for chocolate etc.

Due to their weight they're also potentially at risk of dying on the operating table or having severe post op complications. And I love them very much so that is hard to accept.

Also they have relatives who are alcoholics and they are extremely judgmental about anyone drinking. But this seems to be the same kind of addiction.

I have struggled with my weight my whole adult life as well. So I'm not some skinny person casting judgement.

You will get probably torn to shreds, but I get what you mean about the complicity and guilty feeling.
I will be brutally honest and say that I would just not be visiting as much go preserve my own sanity because this would be very heavy weight on my shoulders.

I don't think you can say anything. Just remove yourself from the situation. Though it would be very freeing to be able to say why and how it makes you feel

When you say 'fetch' do you mean, buy for them, or 'waiting on them' in the house (for want of a better way of putting it)?

Maybe unpopular opinion. The problem with obesity is that most of the time people blame their medical conditions for being unfit and overweight, when, in fact, it's the other way around. People who become overweight develop conditions, as a result of being overweight. We eat way too much, we snack on crap too much. But the truth is - people don't like to hear it. If a typical overweight person halves what they eat - they will loose weight, and no medical condition will prevent this for happening. But I've met too many people who are obese and keep eating crap, because they have given up. They are trapped in a vicious circle of eating too much - gaining weight - eating too much due to hating themselves for being overweight. In my opinion, the main issue here is psychological. Once it is dealt with - then it's possible to loose weight, as long as they stop eating same amount of foods.

Why is this person constantly seeing you eat? Do you work with them?

Can you wait till you get home to get yourself chocolate therefore won’t have the guilt of enabling

YANBU.

I’m very fat. I am not immobile but obviously not some kind of dynamo.

A lot of my health issues are owing to my weight and she will be aware too.

But you are not obliged to enable her.

Tell her you won’t help her kill herself.

Be honest and say you're worried about her and then how she she reacts to that is in her hands. You should say what you feel but in a kind way

I would refuse to get her unhealthy food and tell her why in a kind way

Agree with you. I've just spent the morning with my dear friend who has become carer for her husband. He is morbidly obese and has innumerable medical conditions now which have arisen since he developed uncontrolled type 2 diabetes about 15 years ago. He has refused to cut back what he eats and her life has become awful watching him kill himself. He's got heart problems now, and doesn't have long left.

If I were you I'd tell her to get on line food deliveries if she wants but not get it for her myself.

I think more context is needed as to why they are seeing you eat around them? Is this your child or sister? Obviously they weren't 23 stone + from birth so there's point a point at some stage this hasn't been addressed when it could have made a difference. You need to stop eating in front of them and feeding them if you are aware you're enabling the problem to continue.

Went through similar with a family friend who'd had a stroke that was directly linked to her weight and lifestyle. I refused to get her anything food wise that would possibly give her another and told her so, but she had a willing team of enablers who would. In the end I had to back out, because in a year she'd put on nearly 8 stone and was completely immobile.

It's like watching someone take their own life in slow motion but you don't have to have a front row seat to it.

I think if you are morbidly obese everything is going to be very badly going south healthwise by the time you get to your 40s?

People who are morbidly obese almost always have at least one enabler. Don’t be that enabler, because you are worried about hurting their feelings.

Would it cause you particular discomfort to not eat cake or chocolate (for example) in front of your mother?

It's a known sabotage tactic to consume/use something an addict struggles with in front of them - even when they're trying to not give in to temptation, never mind when they aren't at that point psychologically. Just look at threads where somebody will say they've joined a gym/tried to eat more healthily/lose some weight and their husband has decided it's the perfect time to bring in takeaway pizza, ice creams, buy boxes of chocolate 'because you deserve a treat'. Or they say 'why should I go without because you can't control yourself?'.

So I had a hip replacement under 40. I was born with a hip problem which got substantially worse when I had kids.
I'm 5ft 11 so tall and post op there is no way I can be more than 11 and a half stone because my hip starts hurting. That's a BMI of 21 ish

Weight massively impacts joints so you are helping her by saying no

If you're concerned, stop being complicit. Only eat healthily around them (assuming you're eating meals otherwise together, otherwise just don't eat in front of them) and if asked to fetch something for them to eat just say no and be honest about why.

I've been obese my entire adult life. There is something that stops some people from ever being a healthy weight (honestly if you saw what I eat and how much exercise I do you wouldn't believe I'm telling the truth vs my size/weight/BMI) but that doesn't mean I just say "fuck it" and eat everything in sight. I still try to give my body the best options, and if your close relative is remotely bothered about the OA they should be doing the same.

You don't have to help them make their health worse, and frankly after that mother was prosecuted last week for manslaughter for her daughter...I think enabling someone to eat themselves to death is precarious legal ground now and it should be

I think you need to give a bit more context of why you're shopping for her, are you a carer in some way? Do you live with this person?

I wouldn’t argue about the cause of their hip OA. Obesity is a risk factor, but ultimately it is wear and tear that causes OA of joints. I agree a life of being obese is why she has it earlier ‘than usual’ but that is the thing with obesity is that it speeds up the ageing process and thus the lower average age at death.

I would focus on the fact that obesity aggravates OA of the hip and makes it worse and more painful than it has to be. Also impress on her that she can get too obese for them to even do the hip replacement surgeries. I agree with urging her to eat less and to try and stay a bit mobile. I agree with not waiting on her hand and foot with cake and biscuits. See if she can take up any distracting activities (even if sedentary) as boredom inevitably leads to over eating.

Try not to be judgemental, the causes of obesity are complex and often start in childhood.

You don't have to help them make their health worse, and frankly after that mother was prosecuted last week for manslaughter for her daughter...I think enabling someone to eat themselves to death is precarious legal ground now and it should be

It isn't precarious legal ground unless there is a situation of someone being responsible carer like parent and child in this case. It doesn't apply to adult, adult, if the other adult is not extremely vulnerable and person is their carer, and even then it will be different matter to parent-child.

You say it's none of your business, but it sounds like you're either living with them or their carer, and it's obviously troubling you. It sounds like your issue is that you feel like you shouldn't say anything but that it is actually affecting you too.

My advice would be to have a frank discussion with them, but be prepared for it not to be well-received. It doesn't sound like it's sustainable for things to continue as they are, so your main options are to say something or remove yourself from the situation so that you're not complicit.

If you don't want to be complicit when they ask to share the food you're eating, you could eat healthier food around them.

And if you don't feel comfortable bringing them unhealthy food, are you able to say no or remove yourself from the situation that's placing this responsibility on you? Do they have another carer or other support that could mean you could step away? Are you spending time with them socially, or because you live together or because they need a carer?

I stopped facilitating a friend with alcohol in possibly similar circumstances and it was the end of our friendship.

The answer would depend on who you are to this person. Obviously you shouldn't be enabling any behaviour that is detrimental to someone's health, whether they like it or not.

If you can, don't put yourself in the position to be asked.

You've left out some really important info here.

Do you live with her?

Must she see you eating?

I have OA in my knees and my doctor is very clear that whilst nothing can be done about the underlying damage, the way in which it manifests can be influenced hugely by lifestyle choices and weight is by far the most important. I keep my weight healthy and work quite hard on my core and glute strength to protect my knees and keep generally fit, and it’s almost unnoticeable at the moment. I’m know it’s not always that easy and mine my get worse, but there’s a huge amount you can do to mitigate OA.

I would only eat in front of them where necessary, such as if we lived together or at a meal time. Then only healthy food, I wouldn't even have a biscuit with coffee if I had to offer them one. Same as drinking around an alcoholic. I wouldn't buy or fetch their 'drug' either.

This is a difficult one. On one hand I get you don't want to enable, but on the other, there feels something 'off' about using the circumstances of someone's reliance on you to try to control their behaviour.
If you refused to pick up these foods, she could presumably do an on line shop. Or could continue over eating non treat foods, so its not really going to achieve anything. Obesity isn't addressed by blocking the persons access to food, its way more complex, and needs to start with the obese person themselves. She sounds a long way from where she'd need to be to start that process.