To feel conflicted enabling their obesity/poor health.

[Marina234]

I feel like a dick for this but need to get it off my chest without upsetting my relative.

Close female relative has been 23 stone+ all her life. Now has severe hip osteoarthritis bilaterally and needs replacements 10-20 years below the usual age for joint replacement.

This is entirely due to chronic morbid obesity but the person insists it's "genetic" because their 90 year old parent had a bit of OA hip too.

I am sensitive to this and would never criticise to their face. But now they're largely immobile they ask me to fetch them cake, biscuits etc. and if I eat anything around them they want some. I feel a bit like I'm getting vodka for an alcoholic at times or cigarettes for someone with COPD, and feel really ethically torn.

It's none of my business what they eat but it does involve me if I'm being asked to go to the shop for chocolate etc.

Due to their weight they're also potentially at risk of dying on the operating table or having severe post op complications. And I love them very much so that is hard to accept.

Also they have relatives who are alcoholics and they are extremely judgmental about anyone drinking. But this seems to be the same kind of addiction.

I have struggled with my weight my whole adult life as well. So I'm not some skinny person casting judgement.

Do you live with her? Are you scared of how she’ll behave towards you if you say no? If you don’t provide the unhealthy food will someone else? That’s all relevant context but I wouldn’t want to implicate myself in someone eating themselves into an early grave, no matter how emotionally tough it might be to say no. And I do feel for you, it must be very difficult.

I say this in a loving way.

Overeaters Anonymous is life saving.

Read up a bit more and ask a bariatric surgeon if that's the case. Yo-yo dieting re-programmes the body's "set-weight" upwards, which tends to mean that if a morbidly obese person loses a significant amount of weight then the body and brain will do everything hormonally and chemically to regain that weight. It's not as simple as reduce your calories, it truly isn't.

That said, OP, I completely understand where you're coming from. It's a terribly difficult and sensitive subject. I do think with gentleness and compassion you could explain how conflicted you are, though.

@ZestFest So are you saying that obese people shouldn't reduce calories because it's pointless?

@Acidburn

No - I'm saying that losing weight for morbidly obese people isn't as straightforward as "eat less, move more". There's an interplay of hormones to battle against as well. I'm sure that some people have illnesses or conditions that restrict mobility which impedes weight loss and fitness. Some conditions are as a direct consequence of the obesity. Emotional and psychological factors and all sorts of trauma contribute too. It's a hugely complex area with all kinds of factors and interactions. I don't think as a society we recognise that. 😒

I have complete sympathy for the OP though because she's in such an utterly difficult position. Truth with kindness is the way forward maybe. It's really hard.

Have a look at this - lovely chap Simon Monkhouse - bariatric surgeon

fb.watch/hFz05_5Xnz/

Just say you care too much to exacerbate their health condition with bad food,and you would like to see them come out of surgery alive. I definitely would.unless she's already lost the will to live. Or don't go at all. It's a horrible situation to be in.

Some morbidly obese people. (Important word there)

I lost from morbidly obese by... Eating less calories (not eating less) and moving more... At one point I was quite demotivated by all this "you can't do it without surgery" etc. I left most support forums because of that. Quite a few people do lose without surgery and such.

I'm an NHS therapist who has worked on joint replacement ward and agree with @1001Daffodils. It's not as simple as a weight issue but must have some genetic influence. I was surprised at how many slim people of my kind of age now (early 60s) required joint replacements, a lot of them runners/gym/sports people who had tried to maintain a healthy lifestyle. I'm not saying being fat is healthy but I've been overweight virtually all my life, even as a child eating far less than my skinny brother and far less than a lot of my younger slim colleagues, I have low blood pressure, cholesterol and resting heart rate of late 50s despite no exercise outside of physical work. I've also known people who were very slim and controlled with their eating have strokes and high cholesterol. With the greatest of respect its not the op's responsibility to control another adult's eating and its definitely not as simple as being overweight will lead to the need for joint replacements or other health issues. I'm sure the overweight person is well aware that she shouldn't be eating junk food but op saying she won't bring it isn't going to stop her and could just lead to ill feeling.

Pothoswithasparkle

That's fab, congratulations. 😊

you can perhaps conclude they werent a true friend, or thier primary loyalty is to alcohol?

Assuming the OP isn't this person's carer...

"Controlling" (people use this word too often nowadays) isn't the OP saying they won't fetch/buy the food; afterall OP has a right to refuse to do something. Telling her that she should get it anyway is quite "controlling".

It would be controlling if the OP also tries to stop the person from getting their food another way without the OP's help.

It's not the OP's job to force-feed them or tell them what they can or can't eat but the OP gets to decide what she can or can't do for them if it goes against her own principles. I think this is OP's dilemma.