To think Christmas day is overwhelming, stressful and unenjoyable?!

[Hohumbugho]

I used to be very pro Christmas but am finding as I’m getting older I’m realising the day itself is just not fun - especially when hosting!

Enforced time in close quarters with family, (some (one!) of whom is incredibly difficult and raises my blood pressure any day of the year!), lots of unrelenting noise and busyness, driving miles to pick up aforementioned annoying relative, the evils of cooking the 3 million elements of a Christmas roast with no chance of keeping it hot or yourself cool, DD who you actually want to spend time with but gets sidelined in the craziness of Christmas jobs and who was then completely wiped out by lunchtime due to excitement, oh and the added fun this year of a pricey electronic present for DD which wouldn’t fudging work after hours of trying!!

DH and I both got the the end of the day once all had left and DD was asleep feeling exactly the same, and agreeing we’re not sure we really like ‘people’ 🤣😱. We had also got tetchy with each other at points in the day due to all the above, and around 10pm I literally had a little cry after the overwhelm of the day…

The only bit we loved of the day was first thing, with just us two and our very excited 3 year old, opening presents and really feeling the Christmas magic…yep, 7am-9am was the day highlight 🤣

I’m thinking pizza next year…or running away…

Anyone else feeling my pain?!

I also don't think you should feel guilty that YOU are ignoring your DD so long as others are interacting with her. You have probably done a lot with her in the run-up to Christmas. I personally don't mind doing cooking/hosting etc. while someone else entertains my DC for a change...I spend a lot of time with DC the rest of the time so don't mind family taking over a bit on days like Christmas (my bigger DC is 5 so this generally involves playing endless games like snakes and ladders, doing silly science experiments or helping with complex lego construction, all of which I'm happy to leave to someone else for a change 😅). What I won't tolerate is my DC being ignored by everyone so I end up having to do all of these things while juggling a tiny baby, fetching people drinks and trying to prepare Christmas dinner. As far as I'm concerned, these are all separate jobs so need to be done by separate people, not just me.

YANBU to think your Christmas Day is overwhelming, stressful and unenjoyable, but YABU to say that Christmas Day is like that generally. The only one I found a bit stressful was the one when ds broke his leg on Christmas Eve!

It is tricky. I don't really want much help in the kitchen, but need someone to clear and set the table, get all the dishes (special Christmas China) out. Someone to entertain the guests and keep them out of the way!
I had written a schedule out for when various things needed to be in the oven, and it was fine except for last 30 minutes trying to get all the elements together to the table.
This is why I'm always surprised when parents say the magic is not the same as when they were small - that they feel they are letting their kids down. Well of course it's not the same! You are now doing the work! Your kids will only see the magic though.
It certainly makes me appreciate my mother more. How she managed to not only deal with three kids (my father was good but not very practical) but produce a fantastic dinner for 8-10, while keeping her good humour.
While Christmas is all about family, it's disappointing that women seem to feel they must carry the burden of it, and produce a perfect day, or are practically forced to by a disengaged partner. Outsource what you can; tell people they will be collecting X/bring a couple bottles/dessert etc. and relax - burnt parsnips or forgotten bread sauce will not ruin the whole day! A tense and irritable host will.
My late husband was the cook in my family (and a very tidy one too). I did the table and decorations and kids. We only had guests we genuinely wanted to see (there's no law saying you have to entertain toxic relatives - if others protest, they can host them). We were always able to enjoy ourselves, and with the kids happiness it was worth all the prep in the weeks up to the day. Mine are late teens now and they love Christmas, confirming that their memories are positive.

Very lucky to have people who care and want to see us, as well being able to give and receive presents and have xmas lunch. Personally, we're not fussed about tea after a big meal, but have to make the effort for others. Wouldn't say I hate it, but looking forward to having tonight to ourselves. We can just be, play a game, watch tv or read a book instead of constant talking (my DM constantly talks at us, doesn't respond to anything we say if we get a word in) and SIL always wants in depth conversations over why the rest her other two siblings don't speak to her, if we've seen them, what they've said.

I've got 4kids are 14-24 and this year only the teenager was home with us for presents in the morning. Neither steer nor my DH helped to set up anything, tidy the house etc. I had to beg. But they did do the food shop. Yesterday I spent 14 hours on my feet cooking. Breakfast, lunch, pudding, then served a cheese board. This was for 10 people. In between I was changing my GSs bum, playing with him and his tots, tossing away rubbish, doing bin runs etc. I was in bed by 9 and told the DD and DH last night how disappointed I am that I asked and asked asked for help and they blatantly ignored me. It's made wise by the fact I've got several auto immune diseases and had to take an injection through the day just to try and help me get through it. This was my 20th year hosting and I'm done. I never ever want to do an Easter dinner, a charismas dinner in my house again. Today I've got 20 coming over for a party and I'm dreading it even though it's normally my fave day of the year as it's all my best friends. But I am dying inside knowing I've spent £500 on food, £1000+ on presents and my family actually don't value me in any way shape or form.

So I'm done after today. Fuckem all. I've always wanted to go to Egypt for Christmas so I might even book that for myself for next year. ALONE

This is so true. One year DH and I ran round like loons hosting for 14 people. Grandparents and in laws sat on the sofa throughout expecting to be waited on. Didn't suggest a game or any kind of activity so not only did we host we did all the mental load of the day as well trying to inject a bit of energy into things. It was just my lovely friend who helped clear up and whizzed round sorting everyone out. She's always welcome. I used to be a nurse and would have to work either Xmas Eve/Xmas day or boxing day or some kind of combo for 17 years. This is only my third Xmas "free" . One Xmas day I was senior prac on call for emergencies fielding phone calls whilst handing out drinks when I couldn't even drink!! My extended family have never even tried to understand what is like being a nurse art Xmas. I decided after that I was done with it.

@ThingsChristmasJumper

When you’re the elderly granny will you want your child to have a nice quiet Christmas with just their partner and child and sit at home on your own?

Yes, that'd be absolutely fine and I've already told DS that when he has his own life (he's got a job starting in Summer that's at the opposite end of the country!), that it's absolutely fine by me if he wants to do his own "thing" any time, and no pressure on coming back home for Xmas or birthdays or whatever.

I suffered with the emotional blackmail from my own mother for years, the "woe is me" and the sulking whenever she didn't feel included. It led to a very fraught adult relationship with her, with ever decreasing contact! I vowed as a teenager suffering it that I'd not do it to any child of mine. And I won't!

I've just said, all I want is a bit of thought and respect. A quick phone call on Christmas Day is absolutely fine with me. I don't want to live my life through my child and don't want him to feel under any pressure.

This with bells on. My parents are very respectful of our need for space and time as a family and never puts the pressure on so we do actually want to see them. I will do the same with DC's. MIL strops, sulks, emotional blackmail etc etc. Never really forgiven DH for "leaving her" to go to university, first member of family to go but no pride in him. Just resentment she's been abandoned, so different from my own family. I can't stand it. But equally I can't leave her alone at Xmas because I'm not that mean.

I really try hard to embrace the "magic" but I find it all highly over stimulating and overwhelming. My eldest has ASD, my 5 year old is showing similar signs too over the last year or so. This Xmas he has been wetting himself, repeating the same phrases over and over, fidgeting like mad, not sleeping. It's just too much for him. I'm ready for it all to be over and for some normality to begin. I so so wish it was enjoyable though.

I've often felt this but year and every year going forward I am saying no to Christmas stress. I want to look back on my children's Christmas's with joyful memories.
I am not cooking for more than the 4 of us, it will therefore be ready when it's ready. I want to spend the day with my children, not in the kitchen.
If people want to see us for lunch they can join us for a meal out.
We are not not picking up anyone from anywhere other than the local train station. Make you're own way.
You can stay if pre arranged and for 1 night, but it's a help your self arrangement, I have 2 young children and they are the only ones I'm looking after, it's my Christmas too.
We see the family we want to, for a nice amount of time over Christmas, not those we don't.
We had a lovely day at home just us 4, new traditions made, evening at IL's having a happy, but limited, time with family, then home to an evening together after DC in bed.
DH and I said it was the best Christmas we ever had. Various family members/friends coming and going this week to have easy picky food with little effort.

OP, I hear you. Was just remarking to DH that for the first time ever at the age of 43, I'm quietly relieved that Christmas Day (and all the hoopla lessing up to it) is done. It's been more full on than usual this year. Both me and DH started new jobs, both DC now at school so the Christmas activities have increased, and trying to cram everything in we didn't manage last year. We always have my parents here, so it's 5 days of hosting. I get on well with them but DH and DM often clash and it can be tense. Then tomorrow it's off to spend a few days at the in laws!

I'm wiped out, stressed and feeling anxious about work starting again. I worry we have spent way too much almost over compensating this year.

Don't get me wrong...I did enjoy the day for the most part and loved watching the DCs enjoying it, plus I got lovely gifts. I know I'm very lucky. But I am so glad it's Boxing Day! And missing the days another adult was in charge of making the magic happen...

I hope you get to have some relaxing time to yourself.

I’ve hosted for a crowd many times, and IMO it’s as stressful as you allow it to be.
Keep the dinner simple, not umpteen veg and sides - no starter! - and do as much prep as poss in advance.

And IMO, trying to get a full Christmas dinner on the table for 1 pm, or for any ‘normal’ lunchtime, is asking for the host to be stressed out. So much better, so much less of a rush, to have it at 5 or 6 - and any family who don’t like it can just sod off elsewhere.

People are that much more ready for it later, at least that’s been my experience. Any young children can have something quick and easy at their usual lunchtime. For adults, a simple late breakfast/brunch, and canapés a couple of hours before dinner.

I have just come to the conclusion that I'm not even supposed to enjoy it.
Between hosting and working outside the home for six hours, doing all of the shopping, DH stuck in the kitchen cooking both breakfast and dinner for guests who it was a struggle to get to leave at midnight.

Knowing full well that I am working again both today and tomorrow and wont get a day off u tik Wednesday how the hell is it supposed to be anything other than stressful?

The DC had a good day. Christmas is for kids (and others) to enjoy.

Bah humbug

Plus of course, it’s strictly against the law for whoever’s cooked to do any clearing up!

I’ve never minded doing all the cooking/washing up. I’m happier if it’s done my way and stuff is put away properly.
What I can’t stand is people (MIL) moaning about what she’s getting or how it’s cooked or how it’s different to how she did it.

It’s just us now. I have a ASD teen and I have to downplay Christmas as much as possible. Regardless she has had a meltdown yesterday and today.
The worst of it is I think you are made to be bit of a failure for having a small Christmas. I do know plenty of people who do that because of family distances but it seems more acceptable when there are a few children rather than one.

I put YABU, based on what you've described I think your Christmas only needs to be a stressful as you allow it to be. If you and your partner want a low key Christmas with a takeaway pizza next year then set expectations now with everyone else 🤷

If you don't want to do something then just say no or suggest something else that would work better.

I love this idea but unfortunately with autism in the family it’s not easy to tell family to sod off if they dont want a later lunch.

My SIL didn’t get this memo apparently. She enjoyed watching me clean around her though.

I think not hosting is most definitely the answer (and potentially pizza if that would make the day more relaxing).

I had a pretty relaxing Christmas Day because (unusually) I’d actually gotten everything ready in advance, but the same just trays to put in the oven/bowls to reheat in the microwave effect could have been achieved (minus the Christmas Eve prep!) by availing myself of M&S’s ready made Christmas stuff. 🤣

And it was just us and the kids - no guests. That helped.

Definitely no inviting awkward and unpleasant guests. Screw feeling obligated.

Interesting to read all the responses, thank you.

Seems like they mainly fall into two camps - I feel your pain and have similar issues, or camp screw ‘ems and do what you want 😀

I think I’d like to be in camp screw ‘em…but not sure my feeling of familial responsibility will let me get away with it!! 🤷‍♀️

In better news, today has been lovely - Christmas films, cheeseboard, hot chocolate, and even a sneaky nap 🤣 My kind if ‘Christmas’!! Feeling much better and recharged than this morning.

DM also called (3 times lol…the whole of yesterday wasn’t enough togetherness!!) which was a pain but she did compliment the meal and say what a lovely time so at least I’ve done my good turn for the year 😇

Now to spend tomorrow baking a cake and wrapping pressies as it’s my DD’s birthday the day afterwards (great timing on my part!!)…. at least I’ve sensibly absolutely refused to host a party here this year and have booked somewhere that does the food etc, so not a complete martyr!!