To think Christmas day is overwhelming, stressful and unenjoyable?!

[Hohumbugho]

I used to be very pro Christmas but am finding as I’m getting older I’m realising the day itself is just not fun - especially when hosting!

Enforced time in close quarters with family, (some (one!) of whom is incredibly difficult and raises my blood pressure any day of the year!), lots of unrelenting noise and busyness, driving miles to pick up aforementioned annoying relative, the evils of cooking the 3 million elements of a Christmas roast with no chance of keeping it hot or yourself cool, DD who you actually want to spend time with but gets sidelined in the craziness of Christmas jobs and who was then completely wiped out by lunchtime due to excitement, oh and the added fun this year of a pricey electronic present for DD which wouldn’t fudging work after hours of trying!!

DH and I both got the the end of the day once all had left and DD was asleep feeling exactly the same, and agreeing we’re not sure we really like ‘people’ 🤣😱. We had also got tetchy with each other at points in the day due to all the above, and around 10pm I literally had a little cry after the overwhelm of the day…

The only bit we loved of the day was first thing, with just us two and our very excited 3 year old, opening presents and really feeling the Christmas magic…yep, 7am-9am was the day highlight 🤣

I’m thinking pizza next year…or running away…

Anyone else feeling my pain?!

I agree and there's another thread about how much better boxing day is. We actually had Christmas Dinner out with the whole family this year but they all piled back to ours afterwards. Dh prefers to tidy up immediately after everyone has gone so didn't come to bed till 3.30am. Nobody lifted a finger, or even offered to, the whole time they were here. My parents expect a continuous service of drinks (others did end up helping themselves). Dd bless her did so well throughout the very long meal at the restaurant but had a few moments of being completely overwhelmed and tearful later in the day. My aunt stopped over. She's been up 3 times overnight and awake at stupid o clock this morning banging around in the kitchen.

I am a big fan of boxing day.

No. I love it but then I don't do martydom and everyone pitches I to make it enjoyable. Yabu

It’s a well known fact (in my head anyway 😂) that the run up to Christmas is the most magical part, the anticipation of it.. the day itself is usually quite underwhelming.

if I were you I’d plan a Christmas just for you next year, eat what you like, no pressure to get everything done and right. Just take the day for yourself. If you must meet up with family, suggest a meal out on Boxing Day or 27th so there’s no pressure to host on another day.

Don’t invite people. Easy. Then, if you feel bad, invite them to a Boxing Day thing where everyone brings something. Why martyr yourself to a stressful Christmas?

Prep in advance and make damn sure it’s a joint effort. It’s not 1950 it’s not your sole job.

Guests bring substantive parts of meal.
Veg pre prepared and in freezer ready to go
Posh ready made stuffing / gravy / sauces
All hands on deck.

We ALL did Christmas lunch and clear up - me dh (he did most to be fair though I had prepped most) my parents and both teens. Afterwards we put on loud Xmas music and we all cleared up. Many hands make light work. All sitting there like lady muck while one woman scurry’s around are long gone.

We don’t host as we don’t have any extended family, so Christmas Day is quiet and stress free for us. Which is lovely, but also the children see everyone having big noisy family Christmases and feel a bit sad that ours is so quiet.

Don’t know about others but if they’re like me, it’s the feeling of responsibility for elderly relatives. Both DH and I have one parent left who would be completely alone for Christmas Day, which feels difficult to be responsible for.

DH’s parent is at least quiet. Mine is the snide comments, ill health and slightly senile trifecta! 🙁🔫

We live in a different country from our families and I will never be grateful enough for being able to have Christmas on our terms. We travelled home once and it took us a long time to recover emotionally and financially from the car crash that was that Christmas.
If you can’t emigrate, I second a going somewhere else and planning it now.

Some family members alternate between my house and dsis every year without ever offering to help.or contribute financially. This year I decided enough was enough and we told them we were going to the pub for dinner, they were welcome to join us and if they wanted to to transfer me their payment.
They came after some grumbling from df (who was desperate to find something to criticise at the pub).
We had a lovely relaxing day, no stress and if they didn't enjoy it they are very welcome to organise their own food next year.
I'm ovee being accommodating to people who don't contribute!

I had thought I might look into eating out next year actually - possibly pricey is my concern though, we’re not overly flush financially, and neither are relatives.

So many women seem to be complete martyrs at Christmas. Every year you see it on here - women shopping and wrapping and planning and cooking and trying to make it magical for the kids…and everyone else around them doing fuck all.

Yep. My mum did this every year for about 35 years and people (myself included) treated her like crap because basically she allowed it to happen. She would begin the holidays with the loveliest of intentions and by Boxing Day she would be ragged and sulking with everyone because she was knackered and resentful.

This is why I refuse to host (other than having my boyfriend stay) and I insist that he and my DD help with food prep, cleaning and keeping rooms clean.

It serves no purpose whatsoever to martyr yourself and you are teaching your spouse, relatives and children you are a doormat.

Agree with this but when you have a man child who has been brought up doing not a lot around the house and you are also the product of a subservient Mother and a Father who did (does) very very little to help , if is very very difficult.

More fool me you say and I am incline to agree with you but when you are in it, it is a very difficult situation to get out of. But that’s a whole different thread.

Happy Boxing Day!

I am not the biggest fan, but like just taking it easy with family and loved ones. My partner doesn't get on with their family and isn't that tolerant of mine. We had a short family get together which was nice. But partner has been glum and disappointed all day. It made me recollect previous years feelings that I would rather spend it without them. Which is sad, as I was looking forward to a drink and nibbles in their company, nothing grandiose, and it never happened.

I know mood can be contagious, but sometimes I feel the onus is on me to cheer the situation and entertain. And I just can't summon the energy. Hoping today feels better.

I managed to keep my cool, but internally was mortified that my partner was/is soo sad.

Emotions can be extreme when you g this time of year, so am somewhat surprised this continues into your forties!

@Hohumbugho we paid £50 pp, just a local pub so not restaurant prices. Yes more cost that cooking at home but absolutely worth it for freeing up our day. DP works on boxing day every year and to him the cost was well worth it as he could completely relax for once.
Weve already said we're doing the same next year so will budget accordingly.

I think hosting with young children is always going to be stressful unless you have very helpful relatives. There is no room for 'hangers-on' - you need people to take turns either helping or being on entertaining DC duties. Those who plonked themselves down for hours in our house yesterday while others contributed were handed the baby to settle 😂!

Next year, I'd book Christmas dinner out, invite the elderly relatives to the meal only and then spend the rest of the day focusing on your DD. No prep, no serving, no mess, no clean-up.

I felt like this for years so this year told everyone we were staying at home in our own home on our own just the five of us. Extended family were not happy but I have also realised in The last year that I am the family after thought anyway. We had a fabulous day. Two youngest kids wore Christmas pjs all day. We lit the fire and opened stockings at 9.30 - not the scrape of dawn as usually happens as we have to be up dressed and at breakfast by 9 when with relatives. Kids were able to play their new console games and play with their toys because we had nowhere to be. It was so relaxed. Breakfast was croissants, ice cream in fact whatever they wanted to eat. We dis starters at lunchtime and i pottered about making Christmas dinner - ready when its ready while sipping bucks fizz and knowing we would not have to drive or be up early Boxing Day. We had a lovely dinner with no pressure followed by a movie and later deserts. It was the best day ever. On the downside however every other relative I have did the usual high stress get together and not one of them made contact with us to say happy Christmas of thanks for the gifts. We had planned to whatsapp but it is only ever and always me that contacts them through the year so this year I thought I would leave it to see if we mattered. Clearly not so you know what next Christmas will just be us having a lovely chilled time again. We spend so much time trying to please others but we need to make ourselves happy too.

YANBU. Busy hectic Xmas days are an overwhelming nightmare. After multiple years of feeling like this I want to cut it back and simplify the whole thing. MIL staying last year was awful, H in a foul mood throughout the day and her behaviour was difficult to say the least. They don't get on and H is snappy and short tempered whenever she's around, also he ignores her and won't chat to her and she witters on endlessly so it's just left to me.

This year has been bliss sudden last minute plan change due to covid. Supposed to be going to another relatives house but couldn't as her husband covid positive. Was dreading it a bit as would have meant driving over mid morning (am hour) and chivvying my lot out the door. Bar me they're all faffers and H is on a permanent go slow these days which causes friction. Then we were supposed to be staying there which again would have been a nightmare as me and the kids hate it.

As it was we stayed put, very relaxed morning opening pressies , kids are teenagers so they had a lie in. Then walk and pub, home H cooked whilst I made the table look pretty, then eat then film. Was blissful and both DC much preferred it. One minor bit of friction between me and H that was easily resolved whereas usually he's so snappy I'm in floods of tears by teatime. I used to dread Xmas day but having enjoyed it yesterday it's been a reset for what we all prefer.

My parents have agreed to do family stuff on another day going forward however the tricky bit is mil as she's on her own, bil is absolutely crap at sorting her out, she doesn't drive so it's all on DH to sort her out and it makes it difficult every single year.

Not voting as I’m on the fence with this one.

BIL/SIL never once offered to host and MIL now too old to manage so for at least 15 years I’ve hosted every year. Trouble is if we don’t host then MIL doesn’t get a Christmas meal at all so I have to open up the house anyway (no family myself)

what really boils my blood is SIL watching me wash up. Literally had to move her out of my way yesterday. She’s full of the thank yous but never lifts a finger on Xmas day.

On top of that MIL smashed a glass literally the second everyone had their meal in front of them, kids had no shoes on so everything stopped while me and partner cleared that up (again watched by SIL AND BIL) so dinner was cold by the time I sat down.

But having said that they are all very grateful to me and I know they have a lovely time. So it’s nice making someone’s Christmas. I just wish it fell a little bit less on me and DH.

ONCE MIL not around though so shall take us off to a hotel one year!

This is so true!!

My dad is brilliant at engaging with and entertaining the toddler. He's a bit old now to be up and cooking or clearing up all day but he does his bit by being wonderful with his grandson and sending me a couple of hundred ££s towards everything.

People who just sit and expect to be hosted are not welcome!

I'm hosting (guests staying for days) and I am sat here exhausted. Now my dh is coming down with flu and has no bed (guests in our room.) I have a fridge full of food and cakes not even touched. I don't know why I bother. Same every year. Stress, work, someone's always ill.

I have week after NY off just to recover.

Your child is small and needs you which makes hosting hard. Ours are a bit bigger and can be ignored to get on with playing with their toys with minimal supervision until people arrive. I enjoy cooking and love pulling all the stops out for the roast. Our expectations are low, a nice family meal, and I can enjoy chopping veg whilst listening to carols. It will get better, we’ve hosted since the kids were small and I used to feel as you do!

Your MIL sounds exactly like my DM and same situation with being alone if not here. It’s really difficult. I should probably be meaner and just do what I want, but it’s hard to not feel so guilty leaving her alone, and the snide little comments I’ll get before and after are hard to take too.

So happy you got one lovely Christmas Day at least!

Ok- so you’d leave your elderly mother on her own on Christmas Day would you? And how’s she going to get there on Boxing Day? When you’re the elderly granny will you want your child to have a nice quiet Christmas with just their partner and child and sit at home on your own?

See also “only have them for an hour either side of lunch” doesn’t work when they live 2.5 hours away and theres no public transport. Do you want to spend ten hours driving on Christmas Day to get her there and back?

I understand why OP hosts as she says she’d feel guilty leaving elderly relatives alone. I am guessing that although she was tired she was pleasant and friendly to her guests and left them feeling happy they came. As a pp said, you’re doing it for them, not you.

But I agree that some women are martyrs and unpleasant ones at that. They like the control of hosting and probably would grumble if anyone tried to help or bring anything (“they get in the way and ruin my preparations”). Then they grumble when people sit politely and don’t help.

They trill (or order!) “come to my house everyone, love to have you all”, then bitch about granny with her diarrhoea or aunt Mary who has nothing interesting to say and who stayed until after 10pm. They probably hate it just as much as the martyr does but year after year the expectations is that they have to come or they’ll have ruined Christmas for everyone.

The guests hate it just as much as the martyr, is what I meant.