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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would you say something or let it go?

31 replies

hipposinacircle · 26/12/2022 08:47

My son died earlier this year. He was 4. Yesterday was our first Christmas without him. It was awful.

I had a lot of kind messages throughout the day from friends and family letting us know that they were thinking of us, etc. But I didn't hear a single thing from the group of girls that I am (supposedly) closest to. We have a WhatsApp group that we predominantly use and it was radio silence all day.

I'm genuinely upset by this. I appreciate everyone has their own lives to be getting on with and Christmas is manic for lots of people, but would it have taken too much to just send a quick message. I feel like my little boy is being forgotten about already.

I am tempted to send a message to the group to tell them how I'm feeling. Or should I just chalk it up to them being otherwise distracted on a busy day. They are usually very supportive which is why I'm particularly taken aback not to have heard from them.

OP posts:

BillyMack · 26/12/2022 08:48

I would chalk it up to them being distracted. Otherwise you are intentionally trying to upset a group of your friends on Boxing Day, which just isn’t nice.

RampantIvy · 26/12/2022 08:51

I'm so sorry for your loss . I agree with BillyMack that they were either distracted by their own families or maybe didn't want to reopen old wounds.

Lkydfju · 26/12/2022 08:52

I’m sorry for your loss.
If they are normally supportive then I’d let it go; it doesn’t sound like they were all wishing each other happy Christmas and forgetting you and your son but we’re genuinely caught up

WallflowerPerks · 26/12/2022 08:53

Could it be they just didn't want to say anything for fear of upsetting you? Could it have been a poor choice on their part, but well-intentioned at all?
If not, I don't think I'd send them anything as a group but I might think about mentioning it to one of the group that I'm closest to next time I saw them. Otherwise it will just fester into a resentment that you don't need, and if they've been otherwise supportive it's a real shame to lose that over something unsaid.

Mummieslncorporated · 26/12/2022 08:54

Do they have children?

I think I would find it incredibly difficult to find the right thing to say to you when I'm celebrating Christmas with my children. It's entirely possible you were in their thoughts, they just didn't have the words, or want to highlight the fact that they were able to enjoy the day with their children.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Member869894 · 26/12/2022 08:55

I would imagine they didn't know what to say, especially in a group chat, so said nothing. I am so sorry you lost your little boy xx

Penguinsaregreat · 26/12/2022 08:56

I would not say anything.
From experience most people do not know what to say or do in these circumstances so they stay silent. They are not being intentionally mean.
I’m sorry for your loss op.

WallflowerPerks · 26/12/2022 08:57

And I'd mention it to the same friend that you feel like he is being forgotten about - he won't be. But I imagine that would be quite a shock to know you feel like that, and I don't think they'd want that if they are as supportive as you say.
If they clearly know that's how you feel (I'm assuming they don't) they will be much more likely to talk about him in future.

Bleachmycloths · 26/12/2022 08:58

If there no messages at all on your WhatsApp group, maybe they had agreed to leave you in peace on Christmas Day?
I am desperately sorry for the terrible loss of your beautiful boy. I cannot imagine how you feel. 🌺

AlisonDonut · 26/12/2022 08:58

I mean, what can you possibly say to someone in this much pain?

Sorry for your loss, I wouldn't have the first idea how to approach this for fear of saying the wrong thing.

Quincythequince · 26/12/2022 08:58

I’m so very sorry for your loss.
I can’t imagine your pain and there but for the grace of god…

Very gently, YABU. It’s crap that sometimes people don’t know what to say under the circumstances but I don’t think that any harm was meant by it. Maybe they just couldn’t think what to say, so left it.

Painful for you, absolutely. But if you’re good friends, maybe you can mention it face to face over a coffee or something, rather than a text out of the blue.

SallyWD · 26/12/2022 08:58

I think they probably didn't want to upset you by raising the matter on Christmas day. If they're good friends I'm sure they haven't just forgotten your boy or your pain. Many people just don't know what to say in these situations. They feel awkward. I had cancer when my children were tiny and I went away with my best friends for a weekend. I was so looking forward to talking about it, getting some support. It was clear they didn't want to mention it at all. They looked so uncomfortable the one time I brought it up. A lot of people aren't equipped to deal with other's tragedies.

AnotherAppleThief · 26/12/2022 09:01

I think Christmas day is quite a private day for lots of people in so much as they don't really have their phones out, don't like to disturb others on the day. I only briefly messaged with my 2 sister in laws I the evening to ask how the DNs enjoyed their day. I will catch up with friends today or tomorrow I imagine.

coldfeetmama · 26/12/2022 09:01

I agree , they may have decided to leave you in peace with your thoughts knowing how difficult this time is for you

Wait and see if they collectively come to you with a " we were all thinking of you but didn't want to intrude "

So sorry for your loss 💐

OrigamiOwls · 26/12/2022 09:01

I imagine they were struggling to know what to say to you, especially if they were celebrating with their families and children, so stayed quiet for fear of getting it wrong.
I think if you message you are likely to cause quite a lot of upset, so if you want to stay close with this group that is not likely to be the best idea.

Tinsella · 26/12/2022 09:02

I’m so sorry for your loss, OP. It must have been incredibly hard for you yesterday, of all days. I can understand why you feel let down, but I would hold off sending a message today.

It could well be, if they are otherwise caring & supportive friends, that they were caught up with their own families. Hopefully you will hear from them soon. I didn’t message anyone yesterday, but will get around to connecting with people over the next few days.

Also, I wouldn’t personally message a friend who had suffered such a terrible bereavement on Christmas Day. I would feel like it was just too…glib. I would have rather called you or seen you over the festive season and spoken to you on a deeper level to check in on you. I wouldn’t feel like a quick aside of ‘thinking of you’ would cut it. Could that have been the thinking?

Blinki · 26/12/2022 09:02

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Fuckitydoodah · 26/12/2022 09:03

I'm so sorry for what you've gone through. The grief must be crushing.

I can see why you feel the way you do. If they're normally supportive then I'd chalk this up to a misguided decision and not say anything. I know it shouldn't be the case but sometimes it's hard to know what words could possibly offer comfort.

whitebreadjamsandwich · 26/12/2022 09:04

I'm less sympathetic to them. We
are many years on from the death of a friends child and we message/send flowers every birthday and anniversary. Not knowing what to say isnt an excuse

Original poster

hipposinacircle · 26/12/2022 09:04

Thank you all. I just needed to hear the other perspective. I won't give it anymore thought. I definitely don't want to upset our friendship over it.

OP posts:

susiesuelou · 26/12/2022 09:04

I can't imagine what you've been through and I'm so sorry deeply sorry for your loss

I think that they may have simply just not known what to say and didn't want to upset you by bringing up such a painful loss on what was already likely to be a very difficult day for you, as opposed to they don't care about you.

Nimbostratus100 · 26/12/2022 09:04

I am sorry for your loss.

I think it is unreasonable for anyone to expect contact from anyone specific on Christmas day - expectations and traditions vary so much between different people and different households.

Iwanttoslowdown · 26/12/2022 09:08

I’m so desperately sorry for your loss.

thenletskeepdancing · 26/12/2022 09:08

I have a dear friend who lost a baby. We are close. I was there for her when her child passed and supported her. Following this, I have rarely initiated sending her condolences on special occasions (apart from Mother’s Day) - if she says or posts something about remembering her beautiful child I respond with all of the love I have, but equally I don’t wish to be the initiator - her child, her grief. She knows I love her and her angel child to the end of the earth.

Worklessplaymore · 26/12/2022 09:13

I am very sorry for your loss op and that you are upset by your friends lack of contact.

I have friends who have suffered a very painful bereavement. I contacted them a few days before Christmas to say that my thoughts would be with them as I knew it was going to be a very difficult time. And I will get in touch again in a few day's time. But I wouldn't contact them on Christmas day itself.

It depends how close these friends are though. If I were a very close girl friend who I texted frequently, and nearly every day, then I might risk a "how are you holding up?" text on Christmas day itself. But I wouldn't put that on a group chat, I would send a private message.

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