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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

It’s like Love Actually…and not in a good way.

35 replies

WhatToLookFor · 26/12/2022 08:19

I found a receipt a few weeks ago for jewellery on my husband’s card. Christmas has come and gone and the jewellery hasn’t arrived.

I am worried he may have bought it for another woman.

He has form for messaging other women and always deletes the messages, usually as they come in so I’m not sure how I’d find anything. I want to confront him with as much as possible because I need to know the truth.

What am I looking for? Where do I look?

and yes I know IABU posting here, but I need the traffic as I want to approach today.

OP posts:

Itisbetter · 26/12/2022 08:24

Ask him?

floraflo · 26/12/2022 08:28

Sorry you're going through this op but I'm not sure what else you need to see. You say he already has form for texting other women? He sounds like an absolute gem. And now you've found a receipt for jewellery which isn't for you. I'm not sure what more you need to see. Have some self respect and get out of this relationship. The trust has gone.

RambamThankyouMam · 26/12/2022 08:28

He's probably given it to her already so there's no point looking. Ask him?

CoffeeBoy · 26/12/2022 08:32

What sort of price range? Similar to what he’d spend on you. Could he say it’s for a sister, his mother? Or is it too much for that?

he’s very unlikely to admit it and will gaslight you/deny it.

Penguinsaregreat · 26/12/2022 08:32

Well it does seem pretty obvious to me what he has done.
Im no expert but I’d get a copy of the receipt. Make sure the jewellery was not given to members of his family and then try and go through his phone to see if their are any messages incriminating him.
You don’t need evidence to leave him though. Just wanting rid of him is enough. Sounds like he is a cheat so I’d tell him you can’t stand to look at him any more and will be filing for divorce.

CoffeeBoy · 26/12/2022 08:33

Of course you don’t need any further evidence. This is enough. It’s just whether you’ll stay firm enough in the face of loads of denials.

Christmascandycane · 26/12/2022 08:35

Don't look.

You say he has form for messaging other women and hiding messages.

Gift yourself with freedom and split.

It is exhausting chasing this distrust.

Original poster

WhatToLookFor · 26/12/2022 08:37

@Itisbetter he will lie. Also if he hasn’t seen whoever it is for yet, he could produce it for me and then I’ll never know, so I don’t want to just ask him.

@CoffeeBoy it wasn’t expensive, but we are struggling at the moment with bills. I know all of the gifts he has bought for the women in his life, none of them are jewellery.

@Penguinsaregreat i don’t want rid of him. I love him and the messaging was many years ago now, but I’ve never really recovered from it. What I want is for him to produce this piece of jewellery as a nice gift for me as a surprise later on today without any prompting 😩

OP posts:

Mummieslncorporated · 26/12/2022 08:40

Did you see an actual receipt for jewellery, or did you see a card transaction for a jeweller?

If the latter, could he have bought himself cufflinks or a watch maybe?

daisychain01 · 26/12/2022 08:45

He has form for messaging other women and always deletes the messages

this doesn't sound like it was years ago. And it sounds continuous.

if you're going to stay hoping for him to transform into a loyal and devoted husband you'll have a very long painful and unrealistic wait.

sorry but you need to face reality, the jewellery thing is a complete red herring I'm afraid.

wildseas · 26/12/2022 08:48

If you think that there is any chance that it’s for you, stay silent for today. That way if it doesn’t arrive you’ll know for sure.

Give yourself a few days to make sure you’ve got all financial info and copies about things like his pension, any savings etc incase you split.

If it was me I would then say something along the lines of «I want to ask you if there is something you need to tell me. But I want you to think carefully before we have that conversation - our marriage won’t survive if you lie to me » to see what he would share.

it is fine to leave without proof - you don’t need evidence to make a decision

SoShallINever · 26/12/2022 08:52

Seriously?
Set yourself higher standards OP.

tigerbear · 26/12/2022 08:54

OP, sorry, but if it was supposed to be a nice surprise gift for you, why wouldn’t he have given it to you yesterday?

C1N1C · 26/12/2022 08:55

What I would do is say:

"Darling husband... I happened to notice a jewellery spend on your card and noticed I didn't get jewellery for Christmas. This has me concerned. While I know you may have been buying it for a surprise in the future, at the moment I can't help feeling it has gone elsewhere... call it an uncontrolled, irrational worry! If you present it to me now, I will be very appreciative and apologise for being paranoid... but if you can't present it, I will assume the worst, and can you blame me"

That way he doesn't have a chance to gonout and buy another to give to you at a later date and claim it was for you all along!

Deckthehallswithbenandhollly · 26/12/2022 08:56

@C1N1C's suggestion is excellent

Iwanttoslowdown · 26/12/2022 08:59

Any chance it could be stuck in the post? I really hope it’s for you but Yh I would tell him that you’ve seen the receipt before the shops open again.

Thedoglovesmemore · 26/12/2022 09:05

I’m sorry OP that must be so exhausting and upsetting.
The constant anxiety of not trusting a partner is horrendous and I just want to say you deserve much more than that. You might love him but love shouldn’t have you lying awake fearful in this way.

whatever the outcome please put yourself and your heart first.

C1N1C · 26/12/2022 09:06

Deckthehallswithbenandhollly · 26/12/2022 08:56

@C1N1C's suggestion is excellent

The downside to my idea is that he might not have had the chance to give it away yet if indeed that was his plan. If you confront him too soon, he may still present you with the item, despite it being meant for someone else.

If you want to be really strategic (if you can handle it!), you could wait a few weeks to give him the chance to either give to you or the other person, and then confront him.

Original poster

WhatToLookFor · 26/12/2022 09:10

@daisychain01 it was years ago, the last time I found anything. 8, 9 years I think? That’s not to say nothing has happened in that time, just that was the last I know of. And yes, it’s happened several times.

@C1N1C i like that. That sounds like me as well.

thank you all. I have other things going on that are highly stressful, this is something I just don’t need.

OP posts:

daisychain01 · 26/12/2022 09:21

@C1N1C call it an uncontrolled, irrational worry!

that's no different to blaming it on the hormones. But I realise your's is totally tongue-in-cheek.

More like "call it my logical brain remembering you're a cheating lying toe-rag leopard who hasn't changed his spots"

CrystalCoco · 26/12/2022 09:37

When was the transaction?

As a PP said upthread could the jewellery actually be for you but delayed in the post with all the RM strikes?

Ginger1982 · 26/12/2022 09:39

You might not want rid of him, but you need rid of him. He sounds like an absolute dick who's taking you for a mug. Do you have kids?

Helpyou · 26/12/2022 09:45

I honestly couldn't be with someone that I couldn't trust! If you know he's messaged several women in the past, why are you still with him? What makes you think he would have stopped?

Proudofitbabe · 26/12/2022 09:52

I would do the same as C1N1C. Except I wouldn't give him ideas/outs with "appreciate it might be a future surprise". If that's the answer he'll say so. Hope there's a rational explanation, OP. You never know. All I'd say is if there IS he'll be willing/able to demonstrate it pretty easily. It must be horrible to have this eating away at you over Christmas.

Penguinsaregreat · 26/12/2022 09:57

What is the point of posting here?
You say you will stay with him whatever. So he might have bought jewellery for a woman he is fucking. You won’t leave so what advice do you want? It’s a serious question.
I had a friend and many years ago she too found a receipt for jewellery which she never got. She confronted her dh, he made his excuses. She stayed with him for many years. Eventually she left and they divorced. He was unfaithful. She said she wished she had divorced him years ago rather than wasting her life.
You will either get the jewellery or you won’t. If you are determined to stay then I would not say anything. If you do he will just give you the jewellery/buy another set either way he will cover his tracks. By staying silent at least you know the truth.

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