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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset about DP taking DP instead of me?

48 replies

MatchsticksForMyEyesReturns · 25/12/2022 20:39

I have DS11 and DD14. Been with DP 9yrs. We've talked about a particular city break for his 40th (in 2024) for a while, but recently decided to go to a different city instead as it is on the same continent as our DC from separate marriages. I do still want us to go to the original city when our dc are older and I wouldn't feel so far away when we go.
I booked a mini-break for me and my dc to Paris next summer, as last year's blended family break had a glitch at the end, but today have found out that without even mentioning to me, dp has booked to take his dd alone to our original destination for a city break alone next Spring. I knew he would book somewhere for him and his dd, but I thought we would just wait and experience city 1 together for the first time when all our kids are grown up in 5yrs or so. I'm upset. My dd thinks IABU. Am I?

OP posts:
PenguinLove1 · 25/12/2022 20:42

So he has to wait 5 years to go somewhere he wants to while you go to Paris on your own?

I think it you are holiday separately then you don't get a say in where he goes unfortunately. Why couldn't you go with all the kids?

AreOttersJustWetCats · 25/12/2022 20:44

You can't dictate which cities he chooses to visit with his DD. Why should he wait 5 years? Nobody knows what the future holds, I wouldn't put off something I wanted to do if I didn't need to.

cherrycheesecakesouffle · 25/12/2022 20:45

But you have no set plans to go to original city, just a vague “when the children are older” and changed the plan to go elsewhere:

Your partner is not a mind reader. There’s thousands of amazing cities in the world for you two to experience together.

tickticksnooze · 25/12/2022 20:46

I don't think it's fair to say he has to wait 5 years to go somewhere.

I don't entirely understand why you're upset.

AreOttersJustWetCats · 25/12/2022 20:46

It's a bit 'dog in the manger', isn't it? If you can't go, you don't want him to either.

Relocatiorelocation · 25/12/2022 20:47

YABVU. You can't call dibs on a city for 5 years!!!!

Original poster
MatchsticksForMyEyesReturns · 25/12/2022 20:48

We both agreed we didn't want to take our dc together this year as our girls want to be going out on their own and we don't think they are old enough. It caused friction last year. I just thought we would save this particular city for us.

OP posts:
Aprilx · 25/12/2022 20:48

Also don’t understand what there is to be upset about. If going to this city is that important then you should have stuck to the original plan of going there for his 40th. I presume he hasn’t vetoed where you can go for your trip and you have no right to do the same to him.

Original poster
MatchsticksForMyEyesReturns · 25/12/2022 20:49

He has already been to Paris. Neither of us have been to the city we'd discussed.

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 25/12/2022 20:49

YABU. You can't expect to have dibs on a destination for an unspecified amount of time.

If your blended family holiday arrangements include you and him holidaying with your respective children separately then they're separate holiday arrangements from what you do as a couple/blended family.

AreOttersJustWetCats · 25/12/2022 20:50

MatchsticksForMyEyesReturns · 25/12/2022 20:49

He has already been to Paris. Neither of us have been to the city we'd discussed.

That makes no difference at all.

Quitelikeit · 25/12/2022 20:51

I think you are being very precious. Why should he save this city for you? He shouldn’t and he hasn’t

also how many kids in total between you?

two at home for you

some on a different continent

does his live near the city he is going to? Maybe it was handy

Original poster
MatchsticksForMyEyesReturns · 25/12/2022 20:51

I'd love to go. However I don't want to be that far away from my dc. Europe is quicker to return from.

OP posts:
Original poster
MatchsticksForMyEyesReturns · 25/12/2022 20:52

I have 2, he has 1.

OP posts:
Miss03852 · 25/12/2022 20:53

YABU and sound jealous of his relationship with his daughter. Grow up.

thelobsterquadrille · 25/12/2022 20:54

YABU. You can't call dibs on a city you don't plan to go to for another two years!

AnneLovesGilbert · 25/12/2022 20:55

Sorry, I don’t really get it. He’s booked it now anyway, what can you do but accept it?

tickticksnooze · 25/12/2022 20:55

Were you this cryptic when you discussed it with him? Because if so I can understand how the miscommunication arose.

Notonthestairs · 25/12/2022 21:00

He's experience with his daughter will be quite different from going with a partner.

And no you can't block someone's trip because you don't want to visit yet.

Notonthestairs · 25/12/2022 21:01

His not he's!

MichelleScarn · 25/12/2022 21:22

but recently decided to go to a different city instead as it is on the same continent as our DC from separate marriages

Same continent? I maybe have food drain brain from turkey dinner, so is one of you NOT currently living on the same continent as your dc?

Womencanlift · 25/12/2022 21:27

MichelleScarn · 25/12/2022 21:22

but recently decided to go to a different city instead as it is on the same continent as our DC from separate marriages

Same continent? I maybe have food drain brain from turkey dinner, so is one of you NOT currently living on the same continent as your dc?

I originally read it like this but I now think she means that the trip has to be in Europe so it’s easier to get back home if they need to

I am assuming the other city is somewhere like New York

OP you can’t say he can’t go on a trip with his DD to a particular place. That’s very controlling

Aprilx · 25/12/2022 21:28

MichelleScarn · 25/12/2022 21:22

but recently decided to go to a different city instead as it is on the same continent as our DC from separate marriages

Same continent? I maybe have food drain brain from turkey dinner, so is one of you NOT currently living on the same continent as your dc?

I was also very puzzled at that. But I think what OP means is that she wants to delay going to the special city with partner (just he two of them) because it is on another continent and she doesn’t want to be on a different continent to the children.

Mayvis · 25/12/2022 21:35

But in 2024, your children will be around 13&16 years old.

It depends on where the mystery city is, but if it’s somewhere like NYC, there are multiple flights between there and the UK every hour. You would get back in an emergency.

Anything could happen where ever you go. I don’t think your partner is being unreasonable, why should he delay his birthday plans by years?

Dixiechickonhols · 25/12/2022 22:16

I think you are unreasonable. He clearly wants to go to ‘New York’ and when you said no not for at least 5 years he’s arranged to go himself with dd.
Bit bemused by same continent thing. Seems very arbitrary. Could take you as long to get back from Rome as New York.
Also would you be happy in 5 yrs leaving dc as older teens driving and socialising they are more likely to have an accident than now.