Is gift-giving just secret psychological warfare?

[Dallidalli]

Been thinking about this for a while.
I feel very awkward recieving loads of gifts especially if they are expensive. Do you think it is some people's intention to stir up negative emotions when gift-giving? Or can it be a tool to manipulate people e.g. be in the good books with them or so you have ammunition in arguments ('you are so ungrateful I gave you xyz')

I'm just done with the load of unnecessary crap, bath sets and whatnot. My partner and I decided to not give each other presents and I cannot describe how liberating that is!
Also feel people give gifts out of guilt which I believe should not be the reason for giving.

One of the most awkward Christmases I ever had was one were I just got overwhelmed with gifts and feeling inadequate for the rest of the day.

AIBU to think some people have an agenda when they give you gifts? I believe I am not.

I think there are several reasons people give gifts.

One of the commonest is probably out of a sense of obligation, a feeling that it'd be awkward not to.

Also very common is a genuine desire to make the receiver happy, and to see their happy reaction when watching them open it. You know, "the warm fuzzies". Going along with that is often a desire to demonstrate affection/thought, to say "see how well I know you and love you".

Sometimes people choose gifts that show off their wealth, but still hope that the present is liked.

Then, way down the list in frequency, there's gifts that are intended to make the receiver feel embarrassed or mocked, or you make a point.

Personally I've only ever given gifts out of a sense of obligation or because I genuinely wanted to make the receiver happy.

How do you choose gifts, OP? Do you go in intending psychological warfare? If not, why assume others do?

I doubt it OP. I only gift from the heart for the pure joy of making the recipient happy. I am 100% certain all my family and friends are doing the same. Considerate purchases and offered with the sole intention of a showing love and/or appreciation or as a thank you.
And I am genuinely beyond pleased with gifts, especially with unexpected gifts where there was absolutely no need to be given anything.
Odd ones are house plants which, invariably, die within 2 months under my care - sometimes I get these as a small thank you from acquaintances rather than friends. They wouldn't know I'm useless with these and I still appreciate the gesture.
I've never ever had anyone holding me to ransom for a gift they gave me.
You should never feel guilty, enjoy the gifts and absolutely use the expensive ones. That's why they were given to you, to be used.

Some people have an agenda; most others do not.

I do enjoy making things for people when I have the time like baking and crafting decorations or cards as I believe that way I show someone I care enough to invest time.
Obviously not everyone who gives gifts has the aforementioned secret agenda in mind and people do gift from the heart at least I hope.

I got a gift voucher recently from someone who I had an issue with. The voucher was over £100. I said thank you but I was somewhat conflicted about accepting this gift. Just the awkwardness I don't like and I wondered if others experienced the same.

Also people in other threads have mentioned having medical conditions e.g. with their skin and close people still giving them cream sets or foods they are intolerable to although it's common knowledge they would get ill if they used those gifts.

Also Trojan horse comes to mind so yeah gift giving has been used in warfare.

I don’t really exchange gifts with anyone in my life that I have that sort of relationship with. It’s always well intended on both sides as far as I know.

My aunt is a lovely woman and tries her hardest to gift from the heart but she has a real issue with making sure everything is 'fair'.
So if she buys my sister the perfect gift for £50, and me the perfect gift for £20, I will end up with £30 of tat just so it's even.
I thought she was getting better as we got older but she's just moving onto the next generation.

I don't exchange gifts other than with 3 relatives.
Fortunately, they are very good at gifts, but that's not why I do it.
I know that getting a gift at Christmas means a lot to them.

One of them's gift this year was a bit WTF, but when I thought about it, it was obviously chosen with care, and in its own way is delightful, and I will treasure it.

I think you're right OP but it's often subconscious? Like not setting out on a calculated act of psychological warfare. But still having lots of expectation around the gift and ultimately doing it more for oneself than for the receiving party. Maybe subconsciously to tie the receiving person to them in some bond of expectation and obligation.

(Obviously not all gift giving is like this but I do think it can be )

There’s a huge sense of obligation I think for gift giving. A friend previously told me she was just buying for close family and a week before Christmas told me she’d found the perfect gift for me! Cue me running out last minute to find something for her so I don’t feel awkward!! I wish I had the balls to say I didn’t get her anything 😑

There's a whole language of gift giving, and it's really not mine. I always feel I get the balance wrong. This year we had covid, which is a brilliant excuse to see what other people got us before I buy theirs!

Fay Weldon wrote a short story called 'Potlatch' About native tribes bankrupting each other by gift giving. It always reminds me of gift buying with my in-laws.

What a sad way of looking at it

I give gifts that I know people will like, whether it’s £10 or £50.

This. I give presents to make the recipient smile, to show my love, to fill a need. It really is that simple.

I might not always get it right but I never use a present to make a point or to hurt, or pressurise. I don't think many people do. I'm sorry you feel like that.

Well I did once very carefully for someone who is loud and irritating, I gave their (very young) children recorders that are... loud and irritating. 🤣

I don't normally though.

What a really sad way to see the world. I would hate it if anyone I gifted to felt the way you do

Well, you’re little miss sunshine.

I buy people gifts because I love it like them. Dunno what you’re doing.

I think some gift giving has an agenda behind it, but would hope most people are buying stuff to show appreciation to people they care about.

That's fascinating I'll look into that more!
Feeling obligated is huge with Christmas gifts. I appreciate that most people on the thread so far said they give because it gives them joy and they want to pass on this joy to others and that's great.

However if as recipient you are genuinely not happy about the gift for whatever reason you are labelled as ungrateful. Even if said gift could be potentially harmful. Nevermind if you just hate the colour of it.

Which makes me think the whole affair is just fake if you are denied to express how recieving something made you feel. And more about the feelings of the giver.

Again this does not apply to the majority of people giving gifts. I don't even think people give inappropriate gifts out of bad intentions but it happens.

But surely, if you receive something you don't like or is inappropriate, you smile & say thank you, then quietly give it to charity or to someone will love and enjoy it. It's no big deal.

The giver misjudged, that's all. They are human, It happens.

So if you don't like expensive gifts, crap gifts, or too many gifts, what would you consider suitable.

Gift buying is difficult enough without having to consider if the recipient thinks I am playing a secret psychological warfare game.

Honestly, I just say thank you to anyone who buys me anything.

When people put this much effort into thinking negatively about others I wonder about the negative thinking they are doing themselves

I give gifts I think the people want, when I receive gifts I think it is because they think I would like what they give me

Anything and everything can be questioned I depth if we wanted too, I don't think that badly of people OP, I presume you act like this yourself because you have thought it up?

Or can it be a tool to manipulate people e.g. be in the good books with them or so you have ammunition in arguments ('you are so ungrateful I gave you xyz')

anyone who weaponises gifts like that shouldn't have a place in your life. If they even so much as mention the word "ungrateful" that would be it for me.

I can't be doing with emotional blackmail, but it seems to be a thought pattern with toxic parents who feel their offspring ought to be down on their knees thanking them for the gift of life.

I agree. I opt out all together. Not interested in tit for tat or poor thought out gifts. Wasteful imo. Keep the money and enjoy it yourself is a much better gift to me.

I have also noticed a lot of comments on gift threads with a “But they know I am allergic/don’t drink/hate this thing, so they are just trying to be hurtful!” theme.

I think this sometimes might be a bit of Main Character-itus on the part of the recipient - truly how many people would really try to hurt someone else via a gift?

Isn’t it more likely that an allergy/dislike has been mentioned in conversation, but the gift giver just has not retained that information?

For some people buying gifts for others is a joy, for some people it is a chore (and ditto on receiving). None of these people are better or worse than each other, just different. Harmony only happens when compatible people are exchanging gifts, or when givers and recipients remember that the other person might have very different needs to fulfil in this ‘transaction’.

You may find this an interesting read too: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/TheGift::ImaginationanddtheEroticcLifeoffProperty