Is gift-giving just secret psychological warfare?

[Dallidalli]

Been thinking about this for a while.
I feel very awkward recieving loads of gifts especially if they are expensive. Do you think it is some people's intention to stir up negative emotions when gift-giving? Or can it be a tool to manipulate people e.g. be in the good books with them or so you have ammunition in arguments ('you are so ungrateful I gave you xyz')

I'm just done with the load of unnecessary crap, bath sets and whatnot. My partner and I decided to not give each other presents and I cannot describe how liberating that is!
Also feel people give gifts out of guilt which I believe should not be the reason for giving.

One of the most awkward Christmases I ever had was one were I just got overwhelmed with gifts and feeling inadequate for the rest of the day.

AIBU to think some people have an agenda when they give you gifts? I believe I am not.

I suspect there's a mixture here.

1. "Oh but it's Christmas and they can have it for once". Which is fine if it's a mild reaction and the person involved does choose to do that. Not fine if, as the majority of people who are allergic do, they avoid it totally at all times.
2. "I'm sure they can have some of them". Not brilliant, and often not true, but I do know people with certain allergies that do still want a box of eg. Heroes and they'll give away the ones they can't have. Should really check before doing that.
3. The "of course they know" means that they know that eg they can't have a glass of milk. The giver hasn't equated it with milk being an ingredient. Thoughtless, but not deliberately malicious.
4. "Of course they know" = they've mentioned it a couple of times when asked if they want eg milk in their coffee. To the speaker they feel that they've been clear. However the listener has only taken in what was the information at the time which is that they like their coffee black. Miscommunication.
5. Deliberately awkward. I suspect that's a very small percentage. But to the receiver who's had a few such parcels it can easily feel that's more likely, especially if it's someone where there already is tension.

On the "of course they know", it can be a bit like ds saying in exasperation "of course, mum, you know perfectly well I don't have history on Wednesday ever." He probably has told me a number of times before, but as I don't need the information and it's not directly relevant, then I don't retain the knowledge. When I'm handing him the history book left in the middle of the floor I'm not asking myself does he have it today first.
Rather sadly, I remember using exactly that tone of frustrated voice when telling my mum that "of course you know that..." about something at school that to me was obvious (because I dealt with it every week) and I really couldn't believe she didn't remember. Now I realise that she had no reason to remember at all.

And also sometimes you forget. I have a great friend who can't have chocolate and yet I've turned up at her house with a box of chocolate biscuits. I know in my head, but I've still grabbed a box of them occasionally when going round. She forgives me.
I also discovered recently someone I know is allergic to tomatoes. She was astonished I didn't know because "I always offer them to you". I assumed she just didn't like them; she may have mentioned it the first time, but I don't recall her doing so.

But I think the majority of times it's assumed to be deliberate because of past history.

Like anything really, it depends on the person's intentions. Certainly gift giving can be used as a form of psychological abuse or a means of exercising control. I don't think it's always the case though, I'm sure there have been times I've given gifts because it was an occasion where it was appropriate and it was something the recipient wanted.

I give people gifts because it makes me happy to do so.

I used to earn fuck all and gave gifts that reflected that.

I now can afford to spend money on my family and friends - am I going to do that? HELL YES!!! Do I expect anything in return? FUCK NO

I love this chance to show I love them, and if any of them feel they have to match my presents they will get short shrift. Except they are my FRIENDS AND FAMILY so they have very similar values to me (and seriously, if you are counting people as 'close' who do not share your values? Rethink).

But thank fuck, all my friends and family treat gift giving like this - give what you can and fully enjoy what you get.

And yes, there have been many Christmases where I have been overwhelmed with gifts. But what goes around come around and I hope my gifts this year have made my family and friends' lives easier and/or special. Their gifts have given me that.

This topic seems to have touched a nerve. Good. Because I believe there needs to be more consideration with gifting.

Donating food or your time for a good cause, that's great gifting.

Buying your wife a gym membership for Christmas (as it so happened in another thread), dick move.

I also disagree with the 'just say thank you, move on or donate it'- brigade. If we cannot be honest about not liking or wanting to receive something then more more stuff is either clogging people's homes or goes to landfill. The only winners are the producer of all this crap.

This also shows more consideration for the giver's feelings than for the receiver of a gift. It's great you like to give and it gives you joy in return but that might be sometimes a one-sided affair.

It's not just Christmas presents.
Think stalker at work is sending you roses. And you have a partner. He meant well didn't he? Just as an example.

It's not a black and white world. It is a sad and pessimistic view to have I agree with some posters but I am writing about it because I believe this is untold reality of some people and nobody talks about it.

I think you are way overthinking this. Hanlon's razor applies here:

"never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity."

Sure, there might be some people who use gift giving as power play but buying people perfumed shower gel when they have sensitive skin is down to plain old stupidity and simply not being self aware enough to put true thought into a gift. I know many vegetarians who have told people repeatedly they dont eat meat but it never sinks in for some people who continue to serve them meat at dinner parties because they cant relate to that lifestyle and just forget.

I dont think the majority engage in present giving warfare, I think most people are just highly self absorbed and bog standard inconsiderate. Thats far more common in my experience than deliberate manipulation.

Well, PIL did this year.

Dh stood up to them over something this year. So they punished him this year by not even getting him a card.

It’s just so fucking daft. I haven’t spoken about it to dh (he called them out on racism towards me). I think he must be a bit hurt.

I never give a gift to make people feel like crap. I tend to just get gifts in immediately family but if someone gives me or the family Christmas gifts I will return the gesture. I make sure it is something that I would like receiving rather than just anything. I don't see it as psychological warfare but in terms of genuineness I wouldn't have bothered if they hadn't.

I also disagree with the 'just say thank you, move on or donate it'- brigade. If we cannot be honest about not liking or wanting to receive something then more more stuff is either clogging people's homes or goes to landfill. The only winners are the producer of all this crap.

I have relatives who accept things graciously, when it is obvious from body language that they aren't thrilled. Basically, they are lying.
I'd much prefer it if they were more honest. How hard is it to say 'Would it be ok if I changed it for a different colour', or 'They are just a bit too small, would it be ok for me to return them for the half-size up?', or 'Oh, I'm sorry, I can't eat nuts now, could I swap it for one without nuts'

By pretending to like it, I might think, 'Oh, FIL really liked the hazelnut whirls I got him last year, I'll get him the same this year' or 'DSIL really liked the cardigan I got her last year, this scarf will match it beautifully'.

Fortunately, we have a vocal and truthful family member who will say something like 'Graham can't eat nuts any more' or 'Becky won't wear mauve, have you got the receipt' ...

I love giving gifts to see people happy. It's sad you only see negative associations

@Dallidalli I tried to find the story last night. I think it is in a book of short stories called 'A Hard Time to be a Man' well worth a read .

The story is called'a principled girl'

I mean the Trojan Horse is quite an extreme example OP..

if you believe a significant number of people in your life are giving for manipulative reasons, then the actual relationships are the problem, not the bath-bombs they are lobbing at you

I agree OP - It's problematic - although Psychological warfare is probably a bit extreme. I do think motives are complex though.
I absolutely agree that people don't remember whether even a good friend is allergic to tomatoes or only uses Clinique on her face because it's not information you've ever had to process.

I also hate the bad feeling - you have to be so grateful, even though you feel disappointed and upset to have received something you (or your child) cannot use. You have to reciprocate, whether to want to or not. You have to get rid of the thing you can't use which is upsetting and time consuming, (and the waste is sad). It creates dishonesty within your relationship . "No I loved it really - so thoughtful, just perfect". But if you are honest that's upsetting for the giver - they wanted to get it right - they tried so hard - and it isn't right - they know you're disappointed - and they feel they've failed.

And if you just give back the item and exchange it for one that fits or is the right size - what a faff when you haven't got time. And really, if you're honest, you wouldn't have got one yourself anyway - so now you have to go out of your way to get a cardigan in a larger size when really you don't want a cardigan at all.

I hate getting gifts. We have stopped it altogether - and it's such a relief.!

I think gift giving made more sense in a society closer to subsistence level. 200 years ago if you gave someone a scarf or a pair of wool socks or a pair of simple earrings, that could be a special thing they'd enjoy for years. Now it's their fifteenth scarf or their twentieth pair of earrings.

I get annoyed with gifting sometimes…DH side get gifts and get things that are bigger/more expensive/more gifts to open. I ask my side for small things and things I know will get used/needed. In-laws get what we need too but then add more on top.
I get annoyed with clutter and unused items. Plus such a waste of money. I feel rather the money go into my account and can spend when needed but they don’t see it as “a gift to open” then 🤦‍♀️. Gifting really stresses me out