To be fed up of MIL

[failinghard]

Just that really.

Doesn't help with cooking.

Doesn't help clearing up.

Doesn't top up water filter.

Doesn't bring any food, treats or booze.

Just complains at the size of her portions she is served up.

Always this way. Every year. She is fit and healthy and fairly young.

I have a young child who wants to be attached to me, instead I am doing things for her.

'Put her sons to work'

Those poor lambs.

Start saving now to book Christmas dinner in a restaurant or hotel next year. It's too much for you both to manage with a young child. Good thing about eating out is that you just spend the afternoon together and then go home. Hopefully, the complaints will be minimal & she'll keep quiet in public.

Why are you being such a martyr? Just lay down a few ground rules:

1. Mary, you’re in charge of pudding so bring a few desserts, and a bottle of wine to share.
2. The cooks don’t do the washing up. Ever. You and the boys can do the dishes and clear the kitchen.
3. Eat as much as you want and leave what you don’t want. It’s not an issue.

She sounds fucking annoying op, not sure why some pp are rushing to blame you for that.

Some good suggestions though for how to improve the situation.

Maybe she doesn't feel 'at home' enough to just help out unprompted. You don't sound as if you like her very much.

As pp have said, can't you just say "MIL, please will you top up the water filter (random task) for me?"

I see why you are frustrated. What does DH say about it?

Give her a task next time.
If she was my guest, I wouldn't get her to do run around and tidy up after everyone. You, your DH, BIL and SIL can do it and MIL can spend some time with grandkids.
Next year I would let everyone know in advance that you will be changing the way you are preparing Christmas dinner and get everyone involved in preparation. Ask her to do pudding or bring something else, and the same applies to BIL and SIL. They are younger and can contribute more.

Make a list this year of what you think you need help with and any food that others could bring.

Do you always host Christmas dinner?

@Blinki that’s all very well for you, but this is her mother in law, not her actual mother so OP owes no such ‘debt’ of the MIL having looked after OP and so now OP should look after MIL.

If she was grateful I’d feel softer towards her, but sounds like she sits on her arse all day and moans about her meal.

This is why from this Christmas onwards I won’t be hosting nor visiting people who are rude/lazy. I’ve done my fair share of those kinds of Christmases, no more!!!

@Donotgogentle thank you! Yea she is lazy af!

This is the type of person who will leave her dirty stuff next to an empty dish washer (that I've just emptied), in those instances I say 'oh you can just pop that straight in' so I do assert myself where it's easy but tbh I am not that on the ball right now cause baby isn't sleeping loads and breast feeding (as well as running a business), so it's not always easy for me to direct fully grown adults to support me. Luckily BIL and SIL are great guests and help out loads, they just get stuck in.

Realise my note did come across as being a martyr but I was fucked off!

Also she's requesting to be driven back home because of train strikes, think that will be a 8 round trip at least. I am not sure we have any other option (already driven to pick her up).

@Calphurnia88 haha yes completed waited on hand and foot, it's gotten to be a joke. Food just gets bought to her.

She doesn't have a partner and we are the only people in the family who have a just about big enough house to host everyone, at a push, but it's always a squeeze. 5 adults, 2 children and 2 dogs make a lot of mess in a fairly small house. It should be all hands on deck.

I have said to DH that I want to do something different next year. Possibly go away, get an Airbnb for change of scene or push for just a small Xmas with us and kids.

As far as I can see she has always been like this even when her children when young, it fell on other people to sort out Xmas and eventually them. She's not my mum and I don't feel the urge to molly coddle her. I did take her to get a facial and pedicure when she first got here as my treat.

@MissMogwai I like her in small doses but she's been here a week now!

@twinkletwinkle007 yes a change is needed. Yes always host - defo time to change it up

Same here, fil same. I’ve had enough, that along with digs, trying to be controlling etc, already LC, will be going VLC

Sounds like my MIL! I love her to bits but she comes for a few days over Xmas every year and doesn't lift a finger, this is despite DH asking her. She doesn't even make a cup of tea.
Thankfully she's gone home now

Honestly I have ptsd after 7 days with her under our roof. It's normally so long but we had to pick her up from a long way away so it was the only time that worked for us.

Granted she did a bit of watching her grand son (whilst I ran around like a headless chicken sorting everything out for xmas) but refused to change a nappy or didn't think to give him a snack. I came downstairs and the baby gate was open (to v unchild friendly staircase) and nappy was sodden through to his jeans and he was clearly starving. This woman used to work in a nursery and raised three children so she knows what she's doing.

Today she sat there and did nothing (she had finished) whilst I tidied up breakfast (I didn't even have any but had prepared it all for them), whilst my husband showered to set off on a 8 hour drive to take her home.

Lazy and entitled are the words.

Next year we're doing something different. I'm not having her over here. We can go to hotel near her and have a meal in a restaurant and maybe see her the next day for a coffee. Then do our own thing.

I know my DH feels very obligated towards her but I deserve to be able to enjoy my Xmas with my children, I didn't even have time to take a pics of them unwrapping presents. Gutted.

I know my DH feels very obligated towards her but I deserve to be able to enjoy my Xmas with my children, I didn't even have time to take a pics of them unwrapping presents. Gutted.

That bit makes no sense. Whatever else you were doing could have waited.

I feel like my MH has been struggling having pil here,

@Nofreshstarthere22 oh god that sounds horrendous! Defo don't have them over again. Luckily my MIL is kind and positive most the time so I bite my tongue and just suck it up.

Why were you dishing up her meal? I hate it when others dish up my meal as they always put stuffing on my plate I won't eat. I hate wasting food. Let her dish her own meal then she gets Portion size she wants and no food gets wasted. Sounds like only 5 adults and DC anyway so not much to do. You said your DH did most of the cooking, BiL and SiL who was ill helped clear up and wash up. Surely that is loads of help. Top up your own water jug. Sounds like you just don't like your MiL.

Don't invite for a week. Just Xmas day and Boxing Day.

My PiLs (both of them) are the same. They never offer to help and on Xmas day sat finishing their dinner before anyone else had even started helping themselves because the rest of us were trying to look after the kids and put things on the table. They started eating before I’d even put all the food out!

You don’t need to feel “at home” to bring a bottle of wine.

@caringcarer it's not just one day, it's been a week of this, to not do anything for a week is a huge piss take. But then it's always like this whenever she comes and never bought any treats with her ever. She has never once cooked anything for us because she never hosts.

I have kids/animals to sort out, one of whom is breast feeding (the baby not the dog), she knows we have lots going on with our shop (it's been a really tough year), it's very normal for grand parents to chip in and support their children who have young children, not become a huge burden. Two days of our holiday have been spent ferrying her around.

I actually do like her and enjoy chatting to her, she is a good person but just seems oblivious, and quite frankly lazy as well as being partial to emotional black mail to get her children to facilitate her laziness.

It's not a case of you get past 60 and put your feet up, humans are prob going to be living until 100. I can't do another year of this let alone 40 of them.

@WhoopItUp so rude, I think it's was similar situation here. Hope they have vacated

Imo family members aren't guests.
I had my adult dc here for Christmas Eve /Day and whenever they turn up. They make own +other's hot drinks, gather up snacks, clear up. I am dm not the hired help. Delegate or shut up is my motto.

Wtaf is topping up the water filter?
I'm on your MiLs side here, unless it's a nose I know well, like DD s or my dad's I wouldn't have a clue what needs doing when. A request would ne e neeeded, eg, could you bring the empty plates through now

@GettingStuffed we have lived her for years and years and she has stayed here loads of times, it's fairly small too.
I think we've all eaten dinner and cleared up quite a bit in our lives, we know what needs doing and surely how to support people. Also most people know how to be good guests I think, but she choses to not participate.

She picks up her plate and puts in the dishwasher then walks away from all the other stuff right in front of her.

Agree....if someone is there a week they should help out. A day or two I would think they're a guest and can put their feet up and wouldn't want / expect any help.