Christmas and MIL

[TennyTroo]

DH is autistic, highly functioning but does not do any sort of organising very well.

I used to do all the planning around Christmas so we saw his family and mine.

After 10 years of his family being cold and unfriendly towards me, I saw the light and stopped organising meet ups. I made it clear to DH that I wouldn't be organising anything with regards to his family, but I would go with him/support him if he asked.

Inevitably he's not organised anything and hasn't seen them since. MIL has been asking him what his plans are for Christmas and he just says "I don't know."

She will be on her own, we have no space to host her at ours and I am not willing to drive there (2 hours) as I have been working 10 hour shifts the past 2 weeks and today (Christmas Day) is my first day off. I want to stay in my PJs and relax.

AIBU to have left him to it, knowing this would likely mean MIL is alone?

How are they cold and unfriendly? Are they themselves NT?

(I voted YANBU by the way)

You re NBU although I hate to see someone alone Xmas day.
If your DH wants to see her then he can drive to see her.

I don't think it's unreasonable. It's his family and you were getting nothing out of the previous arrangements. It's rubbish to think of someone alone at Christmas, but you made it clear it was your husbands responsibility to plan visits now. Enjoy your PJ day and let him deal with any fall out.

Not at all. He's a grown up. Having autism doesn't mean he can't get in the car and go and visit his own mother.

They obviously haven't organised anything either; just expected you to do it all.

Enjoy lounging around in your PJs. Merry Christmas!

That's tough on the one hand I see your point and the other I feel for yr mil. Can she not make plans? Does she not have other family to spend it with?

In a similar boat here.

We've decided all year and told family we're doing Xmas day on our own this year just us 4 at a holiday home by the coast. MIL had planned a trip to see family in US.

Her flight got cancelled and she could have rebooked but decided not to.

Since then, neither she nor us has mentioned Xmas day. We did ask her to come over for the day Xmas Eve but she said she had plans to go to church.

I feel awkward about it as I hate the thought of anyone on their own Xmas day but my MIL is such a cow to me and my husband. A wonderful grandmother but truly vile to us and I'm sick of sharing lovely precious moments in our family (birthdays etc) just got her to ruin them for me by being cold, rude etc

Put my foot down this year and trying to look out for us a little more.

I think your husband should take responsibility and maybe arrange to visit by himself Boxing Day?

This is my struggle, I feel I've done the right thing for me, but I do feel for her being alone today.

There's nothing at all to stop him going to visit but I know he won't, he'll just want to do whatever I'm doing.

They're not close, I suspect she isn't NT either. For example, only talks about herself, will interrupt constantly, has no idea about social politeness, she can't read body language or facial expressions. She finds it impossible to understand others feelings if different from her own, doesn't listen, quite childish in lots of ways.

The rest of the family (his brother and brother's wife) are cold towards me, they just dislike me and don't hide it.

They haven't invited MIL to theirs either because I think they find her difficult too. But they have lots of room, grown up kids live at home so her grandchildren are there too.

Perhaps she would like to spend the day in her pajamas too?

They haven't invited MIL to theirs either because I think they find her difficult too. But they have lots of room, grown up kids live at home so her grandchildren are there too.

So why you are you feeling guilty about it? She's THEIR mother!

That's what I'm trying to tell myself! Neither of her sons want to see her, and that's not my fault.

Yet I still feel for her being alone.

Well, you sound like a nicer person than anyone. Even more reason to enjoy lounging in your PJs... I'd crack open the Baileys then you won't be tempted or guilted into driving anywhere.

Oh that’s difficult OP, she doesn’t sound particularly lovely, however the thought of leaving someone alone at Christmas would not sit well with me. It was however your DH responsibility to sort something with her. Are you hosting others? I’m just wondering why you don’t have room to host her.

Not your responsibility.
Her other son has more space to host her, so let him crack on.

Unfortunately we have no space for a guest here, it's a very small 1 studio flat. Moving in the spring though!

You aren't being unreasonable. I did the same and my husband also never does anything. MIL's who want to be included shouldn't alienate the person including them.

That's a good point.

I genuinely don't think she's ever appreciated any effort I've gone to, and I've done a lot for her over the years. But then, if she's autistic too, is it her fault?

I end up with mixed feelings.

Being autistic doesn't make you a horrible person. It can account for rigidity and black and white thinking for some people, but it doesn't mean you can be unkind.

I gave up with fil and his partner a few years ago now. They ignored me. Ignored the fact I even existed. Fil once asked who I was whilst in my house.

since then DH has been dealing with them. Birthdays christmases etc. all forgotten about or no effort. Previously I’d have done something. But now? Nope.

And then, somehow, it's all our fault when their sons do nothing.

Here's the thing

Your DH is NOT a child and can organise to see his Mother if he wants to

That's it. End of.

You have a lovely PJ day

MIL - well, we reap what we sow and it appears she sowed some mouldy bitter seeds.

Not your problem. Don't make it your problem

I think if you made it clear that if he wants to organise something with his family he can then thats it. Enjoy your day.

YANBU They are both responsible grown ups. They are both capable of organising a visit and a meal. Don't feel guilty.

People end up alone on Christmas day due to their own actions. Lots of people who deserve it often aren't because of people feeling guilty when it's really not their fault that the person in question has ended up with no one. Yanbu.

After decades of MIL being horrible to me on visits, I just pulled back. I used to sit with the diary and work out over the year when we would visit etc. as it was over 250 miles away.
I just stopped. DH did organise Christmas etc. but it really reduced the amount we saw her. Often meant DH went on his own as it wasn’t convenient times with DC in term time etc.

Your DH should realise Christmas is coming and sort that out at least.

You say your husband is high functioning. So is mine. I figure if mine can organise things related to his work when he has to, he can organise things with his family. He's capable. He just doesn't.