Christmas and MIL

[TennyTroo]

DH is autistic, highly functioning but does not do any sort of organising very well.

I used to do all the planning around Christmas so we saw his family and mine.

After 10 years of his family being cold and unfriendly towards me, I saw the light and stopped organising meet ups. I made it clear to DH that I wouldn't be organising anything with regards to his family, but I would go with him/support him if he asked.

Inevitably he's not organised anything and hasn't seen them since. MIL has been asking him what his plans are for Christmas and he just says "I don't know."

She will be on her own, we have no space to host her at ours and I am not willing to drive there (2 hours) as I have been working 10 hour shifts the past 2 weeks and today (Christmas Day) is my first day off. I want to stay in my PJs and relax.

AIBU to have left him to it, knowing this would likely mean MIL is alone?

Quite often people who are alone at Christmas are alone for a reason.
One year sil brought her lovely sweet elderly neighbour to MILs for Xmas lunch. It became apparent very quickly why her family hadn’t invited her to theirs

The only reason she is alone is because of her own behaviour. If she'd been pleasant to you, you'd have continued arranging meetings.

The inlaws can't expect to be horrible and still reap the niceties.

Stop feeling sorry/guilty and enjoy your own family

Well if your MiL has undiagnosed autism and was never supported with it then she probably can't help (or is totally unaware of) how she is. Still doesn't mean you have to host her for Christmas Day though. Alternatives would be suggesting your husband goes visit in a day or two or inviting her over for lunch once you've moved. It will still likely be you organising it though.

Maybe next year you could raise your feelings about mil having autism to your DH? See if he does anything to get her some support.

Don't feel bad though, she's probably enjoying a day to herself I'm on the spectrum and that's my dream a no fuss Christmas! 😂

I'd ask DH if he can talk to one of his siblings see if they can maybe have her over. Alternatively invite her over and suggest she either gets a hotel for the night or DH drives her back at night as unfortunately the flat is too small. She seems odd but if she isn't unkind to you, unlike your BIL and SIL, I would make an exception

What happened? 🤣🤣

"I don't know".
That is beyond pathetic.

I was like this with my ex, who had an Asperger's diagnosis.

I also stopped making plans for his side of the family. It used to take so much organising and I realised that for all the years before I'd been with him they must have coped somehow (or been content not to be in touch) so I literally just stopped for the sake of my own sanity!

Maybe next year you could raise your feelings about mil having autism to your DH? See if he does anything to get her some support.

If he can't organise going to see her on one day a year, I very much doubt this would happen.

I've had to organise all of DH's support; there is zero chance he would advocate support for his mum.

I get that it's difficult for outsiders to understand, but calling him pathetic is unkind. He does try his best, which is why I'm still with him, but he genuinely does struggle with anything outside his routine.

But...he is an adult, and capable of getting in the car and seeing his mum...so I've happily stayed in my PJs drinking Prosecco!

Merry Christmas everyone and thank you for the replies.

Yep. Obviously. Somehow I’m the bad guy because I don’t do the gifts for them.

Maybe I'm a bit harsh, but I'm of the opinion that people who are cruel or an endless pita (POSSIBLY excluding specific medical reasons...) can sod off if they think they're going to be allowed to continue ruining times for others, in particular celebration/special days. After being given a few chances, you reap what you sow. I have no sadness for those people being alone on special days.

(Yes I get there will always be outliers, severe mental disability, dementia etc, and sometimes one offs due to poor physical or mental health clouding judgement and mood st the time, but you get the point. 99% of the time this is someone who has no specific medical reason and is just an arsehole)

@TennyTroo same here.

It's always been me holding that thin thread and yet treated with contempt and was taken totally for granted!

So I dropped the thread!

Purple, even if they do have good reasons though should they be allowed to ruin absolute everything?

Contempt is the word! My ILs are the rudest, coldest people to me and I have no idea why. I'm very different to them so I've concluded it must be that.

My DH has never made much effort with them, but I'm blamed. Nothing was good enough.

I've had a wonderful Christmas just relaxing, it's been bliss!

Great!!

I've had a wonderful Christmas just relaxing, it's been bliss!

That's great to read. People are rarely appreciative of those who set themselves on fire to keep them warm. On the contrary, they often become even more contemptuous.

Then, when you back off, they become the picture of innocence and claim to have no idea why. And will usually blame the nearest available woman.

That whole malarkey can get in the bin as far as I'm concerned. Life's too short.

Maybe she would even prefer to be alone having a no fuss day. I had an elderly relative who always did this, turning down all invitations. Then it came to the stage of her life she needed carers. They made it clear they thought we were MONSTERS for organising her Christmas the same as usual (getting in her smoked salmon and whiskey for her tray in front of the telly). But not everyone wants a big fussy Christmas!

No this is her own making. You wouldn't tolerate a colleague, friend or anyone else treating you like shit for a decade so why people who are meant to be family? Good that she spent it on her own, maybe it was time for her to get the message.

I get why you feel responsible, OP - it's really guilt-inducing when you stop carrying someone else (whether because of disability or something else) as it feels like you're the bad guy and selfish, etc for stopping the huge amount of support you've been providing with Christmas for the past decade.

But you've done nothing wrong, and though it's hard to keep that in mind (especially if the family already dislike you), try to remember you're doing nothing wrong.

His family might blame you as it makes them feel guilty if you stop picking up the slack and their DM ends up being alone on special occasions. But that doesn't mean it should fall to you simply because no-one else is prepared to pull their weight.

Counselling might help to give you a space to talk about your feelings as obviously it's hard to discuss this with DH without making him feel bad (and it's obviously not his fault - it's just an unfortunate situation which is no-one's fault). I find our local carer's centre is a great outlet to discuss the burden of the caring role without having to vent to the person you're supporting.