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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do I walk away from this friendship?

30 replies

wobblymum1 · 24/12/2022 23:44

hurting again tonight after a curt response to a merry Christmas message I sent my friend.
I’ll try keeping this short! We’ve been friends for 9 years, through our kids firstly then our own friendship grew. Kids the same age and very close. We became very close, I considered her my best friend. We shared our relationship struggles and worries and supported each other emotionally and lractislly with childcare when working etc. all good.
and then, something changed. I still don’t know what. She became quite off with me, made some comments about me to other mums, nothing awful but I felt hurt and confused as to me it came out of the blue. I kept asking what was wrong, had I done something, and after a couple of weeks of awkwardness she admitted she’d felt annoyed with me over an issue (minor) with our kids and had been unreasonable and she was sorry. I said no problem and just glad we are ok but please let me know in future if something I’ve done upsets you so we can talk it out not leave it being awkward. Etc etc. all felt ok for a while. And then she again started being just “off” with me. Colder at school gate, not messaging me like she used to, making (I think) excuses not to meet up or have the kids meet up. then again, it seemed to resolve but we didn’t feel “close” anymore. And then again she went all cold. And tonight I sent my usual Xmas message and i got back a cold reply that never would have happened in years past at Xmas. I am annoyed with myself that it still hurts me but it does. I don’t make good friends easily and she felt like my best friend and it just seems something has changed this year that doesn’t seem to be able to come back from but I still don’t get why or how. Any time I’ve asked she says she’s fine. I’m fed up feeling hurt by it and annoyed that I’m in my 40’s and feel like a teenager who has lost their best mate at high school. Do I just walk away now from it and let it go?

OP posts:
Vaccine001 · 24/12/2022 23:49

Do you think you would get a straight answer if you asked her why she is giving you the cold shoulder?

cstaff · 24/12/2022 23:52

I don't know the answer to this op but I know it can be very hurtful. The fact that she is not saying anything to you directly about what her problem is makes it worse in my opinion. I would just give her a wide berth for a while and see if she changes her tone.

Original poster
wobblymum1 · 24/12/2022 23:52

I don’t think so. The first time she went all funny with me it took 2
weeks of me asking what was wrong and her saying “nothing at all” until she finally wrote me an essay as to what I’d don’t to annoy her 2 weeks ago and that she realised she was unreasonable and sorry for it. Since then, It’s been patches of us being “normal” and then she goes
a bit cold and off again and if I ask her if she’s ok / anything wrong I get a curt “fine” though she’s clearly not fine with me.
so I think asking again will just lead to more of the same, and more of me feeling a bit pathetic ☹️I guess I am hurting because I feel like the relationship maybe meant more to me than her and I need to let it go as it doesn’t feel healthy anymore.

OP posts:
getmesomewater · 24/12/2022 23:54

What did you ask op and what did she reply ?

Reindeersnooker · 24/12/2022 23:54

Yes at this point you accept it and appreciate the good times. Maybe in a few years things will change.

Original poster
wobblymum1 · 24/12/2022 23:57

Originally when it all started to change I just kept asking “are you ok? You seem a bit off with me and I just want to know if I’ve done something to upset you” and I got back “no I’m fine” for a long time until she said she had been hurt about an issue to do with the kids but she felt bad for talking about me to other mums and realised she should have just come to me and was sorry. The next few times she’s gone all cold/ quiet/ avoided my suggestions of meeting up with the kids I just haven’t really asked as I guess I expect more of “everything is fine” when it clearly isn’t. And I feel like I’m 14 again wanting someone to be my friend who clearly doesn’t like me
as much! But it hurts a lot more at this age with someone I considered my best friend.

OP posts:
Thatweredeadtightoncheryl · 24/12/2022 23:59

Are you in a group chat? WhatsApp or fb? Group chats destroy friendships

Original poster
wobblymum1 · 24/12/2022 23:59

Thank you 💐 it is hurtful. I think I do need to try to let it go and see if she reaches back out but try to move on and find some new friends as I really don’t think she wants to be my friend anymore. Just wish I knew why!

OP posts:
Stopthebusplease · 25/12/2022 00:00

Just drop her OP, she's not worth the heart ache.

Hope you have a Wonderful Christmas!

Original poster
wobblymum1 · 25/12/2022 00:00

Thatweredeadtightoncheryl · 24/12/2022 23:59

Are you in a group chat? WhatsApp or fb? Group chats destroy friendships

Yes, a few as kids are in shared classes with groups. But nothing I can see that would have affected our friendship

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 25/12/2022 00:00

So what was the issue to do with the kids?

JoyBeorge · 25/12/2022 00:00

What was the curt reply? I do wonder if this isn't going to be a lifetime friendship and perhaps she's moved on. Clearly she's been crappy in the past and continues doing it then expecting you to guess what her problem is. People like her really are hard work and are rarely worth the work they take to maintain friendship with unfortunately.

Original poster
wobblymum1 · 25/12/2022 00:01

Thank you. really appreciate it and hope you have a wonderful Christmas too

OP posts:
Starlightstarbright1 · 25/12/2022 00:01

After 9 years things have changed..

You really don't need the drama..I suspect there is more than she will ever told you.

I read a post on Mn yesterday about a mum friends when children were young - now she wants to do sports etc , other friend still want cuppa and catch up.

I would focus on someone you don't have to deal with been a moody teenager

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 25/12/2022 00:03

It's all pretty childish on her part to give you the cold shoulder repeatedly without explanation even though it has been happily resolved last time through communicating like most adults would.
It's a rubbish way to be treated by anyone but especially someone you've been close to prior to this attitude change.

I would suggest politely distancing yourself. If she ever asks you can say you were giving her the distance she seemed to want, and though it wouldn't have been your choice to back off from the friendship, it was clear she wasn't going to try to solve whatever the problem was with you, so you bowed out gracefully.

Some people don't play with a straight bat when it comes to relationship wrinkles that need ironing out. No point trying to play their game, best thing to do is leave them to it. Very sad for you though.

It has happened to me too, and the best friend in question was someone I grew up with, my cousin, we had been so so close. I grieved hard for a year before I closed the door on that chapter and accepted it was over.

Original poster
wobblymum1 · 25/12/2022 00:04

AtrociousCircumstance · 25/12/2022 00:00

So what was the issue to do with the kids?

Nothing huge (well not in my opinion). It was to do with a play date that my son was invited to and her son wasn’t and she felt hurt that I’d agreed my son could go as that meant
i was helping her son be left out. He had been being bullied so I think she was vulnerable towards this. while I personally think that’s a bit odd the top, I was totally fine to respect her feelings on it. What bothered me was the 2ww of her clearly being very upset with me but saying all was fine until she blurted it all out. I’m pretty easy to talk to about stuff I think as hate awkward stuff and would always want to know if I’d upset someone and try to put it right.

OP posts:
Original poster
wobblymum1 · 25/12/2022 00:06

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 25/12/2022 00:03

It's all pretty childish on her part to give you the cold shoulder repeatedly without explanation even though it has been happily resolved last time through communicating like most adults would.
It's a rubbish way to be treated by anyone but especially someone you've been close to prior to this attitude change.

I would suggest politely distancing yourself. If she ever asks you can say you were giving her the distance she seemed to want, and though it wouldn't have been your choice to back off from the friendship, it was clear she wasn't going to try to solve whatever the problem was with you, so you bowed out gracefully.

Some people don't play with a straight bat when it comes to relationship wrinkles that need ironing out. No point trying to play their game, best thing to do is leave them to it. Very sad for you though.

It has happened to me too, and the best friend in question was someone I grew up with, my cousin, we had been so so close. I grieved hard for a year before I closed the door on that chapter and accepted it was over.

This sent shivers down my spine. It does feel oddly like grieving and I’ve been harsh on myself for feeling the twas over a “mum” friend but to me she was much more than that. She was my best friend and I don’t make them easily. I am sorry it happened to you ☹️X

OP posts:
Original poster
wobblymum1 · 25/12/2022 00:07

Starlightstarbright1 · 25/12/2022 00:01

After 9 years things have changed..

You really don't need the drama..I suspect there is more than she will ever told you.

I read a post on Mn yesterday about a mum friends when children were young - now she wants to do sports etc , other friend still want cuppa and catch up.

I would focus on someone you don't have to deal with been a moody teenager

You’re right, things have changed and I don’t think I’ll get to know all the
reasons why ever. I need to accept that and leave it alone now. Thank you.

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 25/12/2022 00:11

She may with her rational mind know it wasn’t your fault that her boy was being bullied and left out, but your actions unwittingly made things (in her mind) worse for her boy. I think that is hard to come back from and I imagine that the gut feeling of protective angst a parent can experience when their child is hurt has made her feel differently about you. That’s tough for you because it sounds like you didn’t do anything wrong.

saturnisturning · 25/12/2022 00:12

What was the message you sent and what was the response?

tbh I’d sack her off and treat her with the same disdain.

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 25/12/2022 00:13

Thanks. I'm sorry it's happening to you.
You cared, that's why it hurts. You shouldn't feel embarrassed about that, it's genuine and authentic and something many people would dearly love to have in their lives. She throwing that away! Whatever the root cause is, it's likely something entirely to do with her internal world. Her outlook and inner beliefs. Less likely it is some faux pas of yours, you'd have your suspicions of what it was, if it was just some blunder you'd done.

It's baffling and hurtful and you should be pleased your heart is as open to real friendship as that, though it hurts now, it's a good way to be really, as it means you are capable of enjoying good friends.
Now you just need to open the door of opportunity for new ones to come along. Good luck.

HappyNannie · 25/12/2022 00:14

In these types of situations, Knowing you’re own self worth is vital. What would you advise your Daughter/ Son if they where in a similar situation
I consider this a huge lesson learnt just walk away xx

adomizo · 25/12/2022 00:17

Yes this happened to me...it's just so strange isn't it ? People are very odd and sometimes there is just no explanation..its not you. Move on ..and in a few years you will look back and wonder what on earth was that about...

Original poster
wobblymum1 · 25/12/2022 00:19

Thank you all for making me feel better. Truly appreciate it. x

OP posts:
Original poster
wobblymum1 · 25/12/2022 00:21

AtrociousCircumstance · 25/12/2022 00:11

She may with her rational mind know it wasn’t your fault that her boy was being bullied and left out, but your actions unwittingly made things (in her mind) worse for her boy. I think that is hard to come back from and I imagine that the gut feeling of protective angst a parent can experience when their child is hurt has made her feel differently about you. That’s tough for you because it sounds like you didn’t do anything wrong.

I think this is true and it’s a rubbish feeling because I hate that our friendship has suffered over the kids who had a one blip (at most) and remain best friends and adore each other.

OP posts:
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