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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed that DH goes to the pub every Christmas Eve?

36 replies

PenelopeStrawberry1 · 24/12/2022 22:59

For the past 5 years or so, DH has gone to the pub with friends for at least 5 hours. It pisses me off every year as I think Christmas Eve should be family time and because he comes home drunk and obnoxious.

Today he got extremely drunk, and came home and was asleep on the sofa from 5pm, snoring and taking up the entire sofa. He'd been at the pub since 11.30am.

It's not the going out part that I mind, and of course I can, and do, go out myself. It's just the fact that everyone else seems to be with their families on Christmas Eve. DH did a bit of wrapping this morning but everything else was left to me.

Then this evening he made no effort to join in with anything the kids and I were doing (both early teens) and like I said just slept on the sofa snoring so we couldn't even sit and watch TV.

I keep seeing friends on social media off doing family things today; visits to Winter Wonderland, dressed up to the nines and out for meals, even just having a nice meal at home. Whilst I've just been stuck at home.

AIBU to be annoyed with him? I do, overall, feel that he takes the piss with hobbies and nights out so that's probably made me even more cross today

OP posts:
livelollove · 24/12/2022 23:06

YANBU. I have the same battle each year. I said to my OH today I would pick him up at 2.30 which got pushed back to 4pm. He wasn't as bad as usual but it annoys me as he's drunk and can be rather annoying.

This year wasn't as bad as usual but I think as my son gets older I will be putting my foot down further (ha! Yeah right!).

Let's hope he has a stinking headache tomorrow.

Stardustkid · 24/12/2022 23:06

Don’t compare yourself to others on social media you know it’s mostly for the camera. But if you are unhappy with DH and his Christmas Eve drinking tell him and work out a compromise if he’s a reasonable person most of the time should be ok. See what he says and go from there. But yes you are right to feel put out.

Original poster
PenelopeStrawberry1 · 24/12/2022 23:08

I've tried to talk to him many a time about it but he thinks I'm hugely unreasonable

OP posts:
EscapeRoomToTheSun · 24/12/2022 23:13

Roll him onto the floor

LadyHarmby · 24/12/2022 23:17

Go to the pub with him? Not for five hours but you could join halfway through. Just to make the point.

EsmeSusanOgg · 24/12/2022 23:19

YANBU. That's so rude.

homeishere · 24/12/2022 23:22

Awful. My BIL does it to his family too. A hangover from the 1970s when the women prepped the veg and looked after the kiddies. You should go for a NYE drink with some girlfriends, or just on your own. Might meet a nice bloke…

Sometimeswinning · 24/12/2022 23:25

PenelopeStrawberry1 · 24/12/2022 23:08

I've tried to talk to him many a time about it but he thinks I'm hugely unreasonable

This would be a massive issue for me. Not quite a ltb but I would most definitely push back.

Stupidpeoplesuck · 24/12/2022 23:41

Sounds crap, sorry you have to put up with it.

But in future, don’t let him stop you watching telly and enjoying your night. Kick the selfish git off the sofa, and enjoy your night with your kids. After upsetting you, his comfort shouldn’t get to remain the priority all night! He can go to bed if he’s plastered.

Manasprey · 24/12/2022 23:47

This was my dad. Although he used to go out around 7, so Xmas eve was always my mum and sisters.
I would love, love, love to go out on Xmas eve, but I've been a parent for 14 years so I accept that I can't. I can't imagine either dh or I being out on Xmas eve now. It's about the kids. I get enough nights out.

UsingChangeofName · 24/12/2022 23:48

For the past 5 years or so, DH has gone to the pub with friends for at least 5 hours. It pisses me off every year as I think Christmas Eve should be family time and because he comes home drunk and obnoxious.

Thing is, I would see this as 2 completely different things.

  1. Would I be annoyed that dh kept up a tradition of meeting up with his mates for a few hours every Christmas Eve ?

    My answer is no. You'd know it was going to happen and arrange to do anything you need to do together at another time.. We've never spent Christmas Eve together and we are both quite comfortable going to do things without the other one there.

  2. Would I be annoyed if dh came home drunk ? Yes
    Would I be annoyed if dh came home obnoxious ? Yes.

But dh is capable of being out for 5 hours without getting drink and without being obnoxious. <--- This is the bit I would be angry about.

Letthekidsplay · 24/12/2022 23:50

LadyHarmby · 24/12/2022 23:17

Go to the pub with him? Not for five hours but you could join halfway through. Just to make the point.

Why on earth would she want to do that if he’s drunk and obnoxious?

Luredbyapomegranate · 24/12/2022 23:53

For 5 hours yes.

A couple of hours worked around family time (given your kids aren’t tiny) - ok.

Sometimeswinning · 24/12/2022 23:53

UsingChangeofName · 24/12/2022 23:48

For the past 5 years or so, DH has gone to the pub with friends for at least 5 hours. It pisses me off every year as I think Christmas Eve should be family time and because he comes home drunk and obnoxious.

Thing is, I would see this as 2 completely different things.

  1. Would I be annoyed that dh kept up a tradition of meeting up with his mates for a few hours every Christmas Eve ?

    My answer is no. You'd know it was going to happen and arrange to do anything you need to do together at another time.. We've never spent Christmas Eve together and we are both quite comfortable going to do things without the other one there.

  2. Would I be annoyed if dh came home drunk ? Yes
    Would I be annoyed if dh came home obnoxious ? Yes.

But dh is capable of being out for 5 hours without getting drink and without being obnoxious. <--- This is the bit I would be angry about.

On Christmas eve I'd be annoyed. It's an important day for me. Your set up suits you. It doesn't suit the op.

Reindeersnooker · 24/12/2022 23:56

Yanbu

UsingChangeofName · 25/12/2022 00:01

On Christmas eve I'd be annoyed. It's an important day for me. Your set up suits you. It doesn't suit the op.

As this is a discussion forum, then there are going to be all sorts of people for whom different things are important. Including those for who a deep rooted tradition is meeting up with friends to have a drink. There's no reason why the OP's (or your) way of spending Christmas Eve should be more important than the OP's dp's tradition as a starting point.
It is important to me to go to Church, DH doesn't go. His desire not to go, nor my desire to go are both equal. As I said, the issue of him being drunk and obnoxious is a completely separate one, but "spending the day together going to Wonderland" has no more weight than "spending some hours getting together with friends" for me.
What any reasonable couple do is work out a compromise.

MintJulia · 25/12/2022 00:04

EscapeRoomToTheSun · 24/12/2022 23:13

Roll him onto the floor

This. At the very least, kick him off the sofa and tell him to go to bed.

EggyBread · 25/12/2022 00:06

Yanbu, that wouldn’t happen here!

PissedAgain · 25/12/2022 00:07

I'm here as well. DP sister cancelled coming to Christmas at the last minute. He's really upset and disappointed. I'm not surprised. She's a let down. To the point where we don't tell the DC she's coming cause they get so disappointed. We told them today as she confirmed she's coming this morning to then cancel hours later.

DP got drunk. He's swaying and can't do anything helpful. I've told him to go to bed and for some reason he won't. He's just dwelling on his disappointment. Kids are still awake so one of us has to stay up to do Santa at some point. I just want him to fuck off to bed so I can watch some shot TV and have a little cry.

OooScotland · 25/12/2022 00:12

Keeping up a tradition of meeting his friends on Christmas Eve would be absolutely fine, so much time is ‘family time’ now I sometimes think its gone too far (or is that just 3 years of us both working from home talking? 🫣)

Drunk and obnoxious with small children around, totally unacceptable.

Sometimeswinning · 25/12/2022 00:12

UsingChangeofName · 25/12/2022 00:01

On Christmas eve I'd be annoyed. It's an important day for me. Your set up suits you. It doesn't suit the op.

As this is a discussion forum, then there are going to be all sorts of people for whom different things are important. Including those for who a deep rooted tradition is meeting up with friends to have a drink. There's no reason why the OP's (or your) way of spending Christmas Eve should be more important than the OP's dp's tradition as a starting point.
It is important to me to go to Church, DH doesn't go. His desire not to go, nor my desire to go are both equal. As I said, the issue of him being drunk and obnoxious is a completely separate one, but "spending the day together going to Wonderland" has no more weight than "spending some hours getting together with friends" for me.
What any reasonable couple do is work out a compromise.

Yes. I disagreed with your point. I think you missed the point of what a discussion is. I'm assuming the op would like to have dh home on Xmas eve. You said you wouldn't care if your dh went out on Xmas eve. Are you seeing where I'm coming from?

MontyK · 25/12/2022 00:16

I would hate this. Luckily mine has never done this, nor would he want to.

It epitomises selfishness imo.

UsingChangeofName · 25/12/2022 00:20

Nope, I don't @Sometimeswinning .
My point is (as I say, separating out the drunk and obnoxious both of which are unacceptable to me) that what one person in a couple wants, or thinks "ought to happen" doesn't trump the what the other person wants, or thinks ought to happen.
Each couple has to work out together how to compromise, or work it out together.

Ericaequites · 25/12/2022 00:24

There’s nothing worse than a drunk on Christmas Eve. It’s very selfish. Set the mood in the morning by playing the Hallelujah Chorus first thing as you and the children stir. John Phillips Sousa would work over Alexa as well. Never scold a drunk; shout at him when hungover.

HappyNannie · 25/12/2022 00:25

Stop waiting for him to change, next year make other arrangements for you and your Kids to go out without him bet then he has the cheek to have a face like a smack arse xx