Christmas is for family

crochetmonkey74 · 2022-12-24T13:27:55+00:00

Watching an interview yesterday where someone said "at Christmas we shut the front door and it's family only" It really made me feel sad. I have a tiny family (1 sibling) and we were brought up by a single mum so our family has always been little. I remember Christmas as a time when we and also all my friends families would have 'extras' at Christmas. Maybe another family, maybe a friend from church etc It wasn't uncommon at all, there wasn't the gatekeeping of family in the same way. I guess I just feel like the sort of person who would be out in the cold if every family took this approach. What do you guys think?is it more common now to exclude people other than family? I'm not looking to judge or start an argument at all, it's a genuine question

MassiveSalad22 · 24/12/2022 13:29

Hmm not sure, your family & friends Xmas sounds amazing and just what I would ideally have, but equally we are just us and this kids this year (and last, and a couple before) and I do love the chill more quiet xmases too. Today I am fantasising about hosting next year but the key thing is by then our house will have had an extension so more space. Space is key if you’re hosting surely. Hate the sardine feeling!

Stupidbonfire · 24/12/2022 13:31

I agree. We have a hardly any family. And it sucks. I wish and wish and wish for a large family, with loads of cousins for the children and siblings and aunties and things. But alas we don’t. But I am very grateful for the amazing parents and family I have. Just wish they were all a bit more sociable. (They also like to hunker down and don’t really enjoy socialising or having a dance or playing games so it’s very staid). But they are of course allowed to be like that and they all probably wish I’d pipe down a bit. So we all muddle through.

But yes OP, I feel you and you are not being unreasonable. I guess luckily there are people who make a family out of their friends, and not everyone with a big family is that cliquey. Many are very welcoming.

RunLolaRun102 · 24/12/2022 13:33

I agree with you. I had this argument with a family member recently. Christmas should be about community and having fun not just family.

Original poster

crochetmonkey74 · 24/12/2022 13:34

Yeah I know what you mean about space. That could be a reason but I also wonder about the role of social media, and hosting being a bit overwhelming if you try to do it all beautifully. An extra chair at dinner is not too much more space. I think the media also try to peddle the busy frazzled thing. I dunno, I think I'm rambling but I do find it interesting

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Catterpillarwithconverse · 24/12/2022 13:36

My friend spends Xmas with us.

Hopefully the person who said that was just trying to make a point about holding boundaries. You don't have to say yes to everyone's requests to see you. To me family can mean anyone who's really close to you it doesnt have to be blood.

MolliciousIntent · 24/12/2022 13:37

...I think you're misinterpreting the statement tbh. I don't think it means they ban anyone who isn't a blood relative from the house, I think it means that at Christmas they prioritise the people they're closest to and don't let the rest of the world distract them from treasuring the day with their nearest and dearest.

I think your feelings about family at Christmas is colouring your reaction here.

Original poster

crochetmonkey74 · 24/12/2022 13:37

Stupidbonfire · 24/12/2022 13:31

I agree. We have a hardly any family. And it sucks. I wish and wish and wish for a large family, with loads of cousins for the children and siblings and aunties and things. But alas we don’t. But I am very grateful for the amazing parents and family I have. Just wish they were all a bit more sociable. (They also like to hunker down and don’t really enjoy socialising or having a dance or playing games so it’s very staid). But they are of course allowed to be like that and they all probably wish I’d pipe down a bit. So we all muddle through.

But yes OP, I feel you and you are not being unreasonable. I guess luckily there are people who make a family out of their friends, and not everyone with a big family is that cliquey. Many are very welcoming.

Yes I have a lovely best friend with a big family who would absorb me into theirs.
Some years as a child, it would be just us three but we loved it when some extras came too as its different stories, different jokes etc and it always felt nice to give someone else a stocking/nice dinner etc

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Bonjovispyjamas · 24/12/2022 13:38

My useless family never got that memo, if it wasn't for my lovely friends, I would have been on my own at Christmas for years.

Original poster

crochetmonkey74 · 24/12/2022 13:39

MolliciousIntent · 24/12/2022 13:37

...I think you're misinterpreting the statement tbh. I don't think it means they ban anyone who isn't a blood relative from the house, I think it means that at Christmas they prioritise the people they're closest to and don't let the rest of the world distract them from treasuring the day with their nearest and dearest.

I think your feelings about family at Christmas is colouring your reaction here.

Hmm their original statement was quite clear , but even if I have misinterpreted it's still an interesting discussion

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StickyCricket · 24/12/2022 13:40

For lots of people it comes down to how much space they have, how healthy their finances are, how much energy they have left to put into hosting after spending the year working and doing daily life and the daily grind to keep their home and family ticking over, how much social battery they have left to accommodate people that they can’t be 100% relaxed around, how much “family only” time they get throughout the year - and all of that might change from year to year.

We’ve done Christmas all different ways, usually the hosts having anyone and everyone over, and honestly this year I couldn’t give a shit if I only see DH and DS and nobody else for a week. DH and I are exhausted after the year we’ve had, I don’t feel it’s my responsibility to make sure others aren’t “left out in the cold” this year and I note that nobody else in our circle has offered to do it all or take a turn this year or any other year really.

Who are you opening your doors to and setting an extra space at the table for this year OP?

luxxlisbon · 24/12/2022 13:40

Why does it make you feel sad? People have different dynamics and traditions. What other people do doesn’t really matter.
Christmas is only ever family for us too, it isn’t “gatekeeping”. It’s just logistics. Everyone leads busy lives as it is so it’s a nice opportunity to spend some quality time together so there isn’t really the desire or space to invite other families or friends.
Why is that wrong?

Ive no idea how you’re managing to like this to social media.

thelobsterquadrille · 24/12/2022 13:41

Everyone is different.

Personally, I find large gatherings overwhelming and stressful so I don't tend to accept invites to them, or hold them in my home. That doesn't mean it's "family only" as such, more that I know having lots of people here wouldn't be enjoyable for me.

shivawn · 24/12/2022 13:42

We have a very big family Christmas and it's very much the more the merrier, I love to have the neighbours etc calling round to join in.

SirenSays · 24/12/2022 13:43

Have definitely seen people saying that Christmas is only for family or even only for children.
Some of my absolute best Christmases have been spent with friends and strangers.

Original poster

crochetmonkey74 · 24/12/2022 13:44

StickyCricket · 24/12/2022 13:40

For lots of people it comes down to how much space they have, how healthy their finances are, how much energy they have left to put into hosting after spending the year working and doing daily life and the daily grind to keep their home and family ticking over, how much social battery they have left to accommodate people that they can’t be 100% relaxed around, how much “family only” time they get throughout the year - and all of that might change from year to year.

We’ve done Christmas all different ways, usually the hosts having anyone and everyone over, and honestly this year I couldn’t give a shit if I only see DH and DS and nobody else for a week. DH and I are exhausted after the year we’ve had, I don’t feel it’s my responsibility to make sure others aren’t “left out in the cold” this year and I note that nobody else in our circle has offered to do it all or take a turn this year or any other year really.

Who are you opening your doors to and setting an extra space at the table for this year OP?

I'm not trying to start a row with anyone here, it's just something I have noticed.
I personally feel it is all our responsibility to look after others, but I also know this will ebb and flow in people's lives and there's no judgement in that.
As for me, I'm with my sibling and we have 3 friends coming who all can't get home for various reasons.

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Pothoswithasparkle · 24/12/2022 13:44

I think it's one of the "everyone does differently" situations rather than some weird reflection of society. We were always just family, but then later in life I had added friends etc. It depends on aituation and people involved. Some Christmas I hosted non related people, other Christmas I was just with my family.
Neither are bad or wrong. People are allowed to choose what they want to do and with who and that allows for happy times. Everyone is different

Original poster

crochetmonkey74 · 24/12/2022 13:45

luxxlisbon · 24/12/2022 13:40

Why does it make you feel sad? People have different dynamics and traditions. What other people do doesn’t really matter.
Christmas is only ever family for us too, it isn’t “gatekeeping”. It’s just logistics. Everyone leads busy lives as it is so it’s a nice opportunity to spend some quality time together so there isn’t really the desire or space to invite other families or friends.
Why is that wrong?

Ive no idea how you’re managing to like this to social media.

It made me feel sad as I am a person without a big family.
My link to social media was about the pressures of hosting in a perfect manner, but in fairness I did say I might be rambling

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Original poster

crochetmonkey74 · 24/12/2022 13:46

Pothoswithasparkle · 24/12/2022 13:44

I think it's one of the "everyone does differently" situations rather than some weird reflection of society. We were always just family, but then later in life I had added friends etc. It depends on aituation and people involved. Some Christmas I hosted non related people, other Christmas I was just with my family.
Neither are bad or wrong. People are allowed to choose what they want to do and with who and that allows for happy times. Everyone is different

Of course

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Original poster

crochetmonkey74 · 24/12/2022 13:50

shivawn · 24/12/2022 13:42

We have a very big family Christmas and it's very much the more the merrier, I love to have the neighbours etc calling round to join in.

I would love this. This is what I remember from my old Christmases is the neighbours/friends popping in

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Pothoswithasparkle · 24/12/2022 13:50

Can i just ask what's considered big family? Most people I know are from 2 siblings, parents the same so for example at one of the 3 Christmas meals we had 10 people from one side (including us 4) and for second one we had 6 including us 5.

Pothoswithasparkle · 24/12/2022 13:51

I am really just curiou6 what's considered big family😁 no agenda

MelchiorsMistress · 24/12/2022 13:54

I agree with you and like a more the merrier type Christmas, but I can understand why some families want to shut themselves away for a couple of days. Sometimes people rarely get quality time alone just with their own spouse and children because of work pressures or expectations of extended family or hobbies or whatever, so Christmas is the perfect opportunity to stay in and have family time. They’re not doing anything wrong.

OhmygodDont · 24/12/2022 14:04

I think there is 12-14 of us for Christmas tomorrow but I’m not hosting thank god. Although even attending that level of event leaves me feeling tired and frustrated.

I couldn’t wouldn’t cope with that level of hosting. Especially not hosting the elders who want things just so their way. Once my children are grown have their own partners and what not maybe I shall end up hosting for 12 people but very much of this is this and take it or leave it kinda way.

bathorshower · 24/12/2022 14:05

I think it's harder to share when you have children - pre-DD we regularly used to invite friends/spend Christmas with non-family. However that would be stressful for DD, especially as she eats a very limited range of food. We're having pizza for Christmas dinner because we all enjoy it. Many people (especially British friends) would consider that deeply weird, and not a 'proper' Christmas. DD deals with enough food issues as it is, we'd like her to be able to enjoy Christmas.

gabsdot45 · 24/12/2022 14:14

Christmas is to spend time with people you love. If that's family then great, if it's friends that's also great. We do a combination. We saw my family last weekend, friends today, I laws are coming here tomorrow and next week we'll see other friends and my family again on NYE.