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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to stop presents between DP and I

37 replies

TwoCoffeesPlease · 24/12/2022 10:33

DP and I have been “officially” a couple for 7 years and were friends for 4 years prior. We have lived together over 4 years and we are getting married in 2024.

We had a conversation last week where we agreed that we wouldn’t buy each other birthday or Christmas presents after this year (initiated by me but I knew DP would be up for it as he is not from a family that likes to make a big fuss) and instead put the money towards a special date night.

The reasons being:

  • we have known each other so long we no longer feel like we need the talisman of a good gift.
  • we have almost totally joint finances so the money just comes out of the family pot.
  • DP is hard to buy for as he never wants anything anyway.
  • Our new years resolution is to spend more purposeful time together I.e. date nights and activities so this plan would ensure we did at least 3 good ones a year.
  • Both our birthdays and Christmas are squashed into about 8 weeks so it always feels like a lot of financial outlay and thinking of ideas in a short period.

I feel quite happy with our decision, or at least trialling it and seeing how I feel when there isn’t a present for me from DP on my next birthday but I mentioned it to a friend the other day (context: is in a very new relationship) and she thought it was sad and a bit strange.

AIBU? Is a big pile of gifts from your other half on birthdays and Christmas important?

OP posts:
Original poster
TwoCoffeesPlease · 24/12/2022 10:36

I thought it was a sign of feeling comfortable and confident in our relationship and moving into a new phase but now I’m wondering if it’s a sign we have given up 😂

OP posts:
IndieK1d · 24/12/2022 10:37

I think it's fine. Don't see the point of buying stuff for the sake of it. As long as you're both happy with it.

Karwomannghia · 24/12/2022 10:38

We didn’t one year but went back to it! It just felt a bit too practical!

Jumbocoffee · 24/12/2022 10:39

My DH and I have gotten to this point. Neither of us want a lot of stuff, my DH much prefers buying stuff in the sales. I think as long as you show each other care throughout the year, it shouldn’t matter if you don’t do presents.

VickyEadieofThigh · 24/12/2022 10:42

We've been together for 23 years and usually buy each other shedloads of stuff for birthdays and Xmas.

We decided this year that we would just get each other 2 small gifts to open (and we both wanted books because books are the only "stuff" we want).

I'm happy with this.

magicstar1 · 24/12/2022 10:46

We haven’t bothered at Christmas for the past couple of years, but we do buy for birthdays.

OneCup · 24/12/2022 10:49

We don't exchange gifts. It just feels transactional. We do occasionally buy gifts if we see something the other may like but not for any particular occasions. It doesn't have to be expensive and it only occasionally happens. Works fine for us.

Original poster
TwoCoffeesPlease · 24/12/2022 10:50

Jumbocoffee · 24/12/2022 10:39

My DH and I have gotten to this point. Neither of us want a lot of stuff, my DH much prefers buying stuff in the sales. I think as long as you show each other care throughout the year, it shouldn’t matter if you don’t do presents.

DP is very good at showing that he cares about me with the little things. He often gets me a treat when he pops to the shops for example. I haven’t been sleeping well recently and this morning I found he had slept on the sofa bed to give me a better chance of getting a good night before Xmas. I suppose I’m just worried about other peoples’ opinions more than what we want to do!

OP posts:
Noonesperfect · 24/12/2022 10:50

My DH suggested instead of spending big amounts on each other we could make a donation to a homeless charity or such like, and I'm very happy with this.

Blueberrywitch · 24/12/2022 10:51

I think I’d like to keep birthday presents but step back from Christmas presents, there are so many other things to buy over Christmas that buying a flagship “big gift” that hits the right balance of romantic and cool and thoughtful for DP, is a bit of a drag. And there are so many other elements of Christmas to make it Christmas and special. But I would never want to not get or give a nice birthday present, as that’s the day that’s all about them.

Blueberrywitch · 24/12/2022 10:53

*all about them as in the day is all about the person, not all about presents

functioningadult · 24/12/2022 11:02

We both have December birthdays and after a couple of years of stressing over gifts we decided we’d do a token opening gift and use the money we would have spent for a holiday. Works for us.

Sceptre86 · 24/12/2022 11:05

As long as you both agree it's fine. I've been married to my dh for the same length of time you guys have been together and I would not want this. We don't get each other piles of presents but a thoughtful gift each and we do treat the other to a weekend away for our birthdays anyway. it's a bit too practical for me and I wouldn't like a relationship like that but it's not about me! You do you and ignore other people's judgement.

C1N1C · 24/12/2022 11:10

We've cycled through gift options because of this. Year 1 was nuts eith dozens for her. Then she tried to beat me for the next few years. Then we decided events only. Got fed up with the chappy buyagift and virgin experiences so went to single pressies... now back to 5 smallish ones.

As has been echoed above, most people our age have everything they want or need so better to show it through the year and focus on affection and log fire snuggles at Christmas :)

MRex · 24/12/2022 11:17

It's entirely up to you what you do in your own relationship. It does sound very sad that you are thinking of 3 date nights / activities in a whole year and that would be worrying if you were my friend. Doing things together should be a bare minimum, it sounds like perhaps you've lost the spark somewhere? Gifts can be a nice extra because it's nice to get someone something they didn't think of. Doesn't matter in our house if the gift costs £5 or £500, it's the principle of getting a nice surprise, maybe focus on that aspect rather than money.

Northtosouth · 24/12/2022 11:18

We do the exact same thing, for pretty much the same reasons.

We do sometimes buy the odd thing anyway, e.g this year I saw a book I knew DH would like so I’ve wrapped it up. But on a whole we don’t do presents and we’re both happy with that.

It got to the point we were spending fortunes for the sake of having things to open, we both buy what we want throughout the year when we see/need things, it works better for us.

lynthesearesexpeople · 24/12/2022 11:18

We don’t get each other presents (for christmas or birthdays), haven’t for years as we can’t afford to.

It’s not a problem for us, bit we’ve had our fair share of other people thinking it’s terrible over the years.

MogTheForgetableCat · 24/12/2022 11:22

We've never really done it beyond the first couple of years. I'd much rather spend our money on a joint experience. Before children our Christmas present to each other was a lovely holiday in January which is the best present I could imagine!

NameChagaiiiin · 24/12/2022 11:27

Yanbu at all. Mostly because no one else's opinion of your relationship matters.

If you're both happy, go for it.
Myself and DH do similar, although we do maybe one small novelty gift, but our money goes towards DC and loadsa good 🤣

A couple of years ago we did jokey voucher books for each other which was quite fun.

BodenCardiganNot · 24/12/2022 11:29

I suppose I’m just worried about other peoples’ opinions more than what we want to do!

If it worries you then don't tell people.

PatchworkElmer · 24/12/2022 11:29

We’ve done small gifts this year (£20 budget) as want DC to see others apart from them getting gifts and for us to role model being thoughtful etc etc. Have also done a £10 gift budget for DC to get something for each of us.

I think if we didn’t have DC we’d probably not bother and put all the money towards house renovation instead. The money we’ve ‘saved’ this year is going towards a new front door so I’ve told people who asked that DH has got me half a door for Christmas

You could just tell friends that DP has paid for x wedding item as your gift if you like.

cariadlet · 24/12/2022 11:30

My partner and I have been together for about 25 years.

We buy each other a small present for birthdays but haven't exchanged Christmas presents for years.
We've got too much stuff and would rather use our money for holidays and savings.

I enjoy Christmas because of being with family, having the tree, eating loads of chocolate and making my daughter come downstairs and play boardgames instead of spending all her time in her bedroom on her phone.

I really don't need or want presents.

thecatsthecats · 24/12/2022 11:33

We do still buy gifts, but they tend to be experiences or holidays anyway. Birthday tends to be a trip away (whatever is cheap and new on Skyscanner), and Christmas a day trip.

thelobsterquadrille · 24/12/2022 11:38

DH and I have been together seven years and we don't bother with presents anymore either. We use the money we would have spent on gifts on a day out, a couple of nice meals, or something we need/want for the house.

We both work, own our home and don't have children - so if we want anything through the year, we just buy it ourselves. Seems a bit pointless to wait for him to buy me something in December when I'm perfectly capable of going to get it myself in August, lol.

I am autistic and DH has ADHD though, so I'm not sure if that has any bearing on things, but we're both happy doing it this way even though lots of people find it bizarre and uncaring. I don't need gifts on set days of the year to have a good marriage :)

2bazookas · 24/12/2022 11:48

I think that's a great idea , OP.

We both have more than everything we need ( and no more space to keep it).

Christ only knows what he's bought me; it looks like a rolled up yoga mat. We already have yoga mats so I said "I hope that's not a yoga mat". He said it isn't but I'm dreading opening it. DH has form.

At least he solved my dilemma by buying his own present online and all I had to do was wrap it. It came in a clear plastic bag but I still couldnt tell what it is. He says it's a small rucksack for his water bottle. Like we only have 4 or 5 of those...