AIBU to stop presents between DP and I

[TwoCoffeesPlease]

DP and I have been “officially” a couple for 7 years and were friends for 4 years prior. We have lived together over 4 years and we are getting married in 2024.

We had a conversation last week where we agreed that we wouldn’t buy each other birthday or Christmas presents after this year (initiated by me but I knew DP would be up for it as he is not from a family that likes to make a big fuss) and instead put the money towards a special date night.

The reasons being:

• we have known each other so long we no longer feel like we need the talisman of a good gift.
• we have almost totally joint finances so the money just comes out of the family pot.
• DP is hard to buy for as he never wants anything anyway.
• Our new years resolution is to spend more purposeful time together I.e. date nights and activities so this plan would ensure we did at least 3 good ones a year.
• Both our birthdays and Christmas are squashed into about 8 weeks so it always feels like a lot of financial outlay and thinking of ideas in a short period.

I feel quite happy with our decision, or at least trialling it and seeing how I feel when there isn’t a present for me from DP on my next birthday but I mentioned it to a friend the other day (context: is in a very new relationship) and she thought it was sad and a bit strange.

AIBU? Is a big pile of gifts from your other half on birthdays and Christmas important?

We don't spend a fortune on each other, but always have a couple of small gifts to open - DH is always in need of new underwear and socks, I like a new pair of PJs or a top for work. And maybe a book each.

Sometimes the simple things are the most welcomed - we rarely do surprises, it really doesn't matter to us - I asked for a small seed propagator and that's what I'm getting, which I'm delighted about so I can start my tomato and annual seeds indoors and make a head start. I chose the one I wanted, I'm chuffed - only £22 on Amazon.

You do you, OP and for goodness sake stop caring about the opinions of others. We live our lives the way we choose and couldn't care less what others think, it's our relationship that matters.

AIBU? Is a big pile of gifts from your other half on birthdays and Christmas important?

It's important if you're a person that likes giving (or receiving gifts). So for some couples (see many posts on MN from people disappointed by their DP's gift) this would be essential. As you and DP are not bothered then it's not remotely important.

My DH and I agreed the same thing - pointless buying each other presents we don't really want or appreciate when neither of us enjoys gift giving either, and the money is better spent on other things.

I think it’s fine , we’ve been married for over 30 yrs and have never done presents from each other although when the kids were small we bought for each other from them , they are now doing that themselves . We have completely shared finances and buy what we want when we want . We don’t need presents to show how much we love each other - we already know .

I mean special ones! We do lots of things together

We've done no gifts to each other this Christmas, first time in 8 years. Instead we booked a lovely lodge for us and 1 year old at the beginning of December. Will probably do the same next year as we had a great time and often end up buying things just for the sake of it.

We do only small token Christmas gifts for each other and spend our money on the children. Birthdays are different and we do proper presents then.

We agree a small limit (maybe £20-£50 depending on year), even more so now. We have 2 kids to buy for, and also the toddler loves giving out presents, so we help her choose something (from a closely monitored range of options!!), she helps wrap it and decorate the wrapping paper, and gives it to the other parent.
But one thing which worked well for us years ago was a date box. We'd take it in turns each year (or could do half each of course) to fill 12 envelopes, each with a date idea, and tickets if relevant, inside a box. Each month we'd look through them together and choose one to do that month. It could be as simple as stargazing with thermos hot chocolate somewhere with less light pollution, or a hike and pub lunch near a favourite place, visit to a birds of prey sanctuary, or dinner at a specific restaurant. One time we went punting in a nearby city. So it involves some thought but encourages things you wouldn't have thought of, and is easily paid for between the 2 of you. Could be easy, low cost ideas, with a more action packed higher cost (the sort of racing car experience type things) one thrown in if that's what you like.

We did roll some over to the following year because lockdowns and also it didn't snow - one was based on the assumption there would be some at some point!

We have been married over forty years so when you have been together that long, coming up with ideas for presents is a nightmare. Plus our wedding anniversary is the day before Christmas Eve double nightmare!!
We decided instead of buying presents for each other, we put the money towards upgrading to business class when we fly on holiday.

We are in a similar position - been together ages and whatever the other person wants they would make a better job of choosing!

We have bought our own presents this year. The kids thought that was awful, until I explained that we'd both still be getting surprises - Dad will be surprised when I open a present, and I will be surprised when he does

Thank you for all the responses. I suppose it is a bit practical but I feel better for knowing this isn’t sooo bizarre. Will see how it goes in 2023 and review I guess!

Pre DC we just used to book a weekend away for birthdays, anniversary etc. much preferred it tbh.

We've done the same this yr. We're saving for a holiday abroad next Xmas.
Although he came home earlier with large bunch of flowers.