Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think our friendship is over?

30 replies

Scarebe · 24/12/2022 00:33

my best friend and I have been friends for over 12 years. We’ve always been pretty close, h have kids and she doesn’t but we still made time to see each other etc.

For the past year she’s gotten closer to this group of friends, who are nice and I get along with. She’s out almost every weekend with them, doing fun new things, when I ask if she wants to do things she never wants to. I’ve let her know when I have a child free weekend, it’s only if I suggest to do something she will.

I actually told her how I felt about this, because I invited her to my house one time for her favourite dinner. She didn’t turn up so I messaged her and she was like I’m so sorry I forgot I’m at a concert. Anyway she apologised for making me feel that way, and said I could make effort too.
Again I’ve seen cool things , told her we could do it together. Said she should come round but left it open ended. I think the final straw was she arranged a meal tomorrow with a huge group of girls her friends included, I have had a huge allergic reaction on my face so I messaged saying I don’t think I can come tomorrow, don’t want to put make up on and I’m in pain.She just said ah right get better soon.

I’ll admit I snapped and said it’s the first thing you have invited me to all year I’m sure you will be okay without me there. I know it’s passive aggressive but I just feel so disappointed

OP posts:
Disabrie22 · 24/12/2022 00:42

Your lives are in different places, let it drift for a while and focus on friends who are in a similar position.

cstaff · 24/12/2022 00:47

I don't understand why you snapped at her when it was you that had cancelled. What reaction did you want from her.

Anewhoo · 24/12/2022 00:53

Yeah I think I’d call it quits too if I was her. She’s invited you to a big thing that you’d have enjoyed with all women and you don’t want to come because you can’t put make up on, then shout at her about it when she was being nice about you cancelling?!!! You sound very unreasonable.

NameChagaiiiin · 24/12/2022 00:56

cstaff · 24/12/2022 00:47

I don't understand why you snapped at her when it was you that had cancelled. What reaction did you want from her.

This. What did you want from her? To cancel the entire group as you couldn't make it?

Kids/vs no kids makes for weird things in a lot of friendships. I'd let it go for now and make some new friends in a similar place lifewise.

Thinking back to my pre child times, everything was very spontaneous. Being dictated to about what days/times/weekends suited someone would have been a drag tbh. But I wouldn't mean it to be malicious.

Original poster
Scarebe · 24/12/2022 01:01

It’s not because I can’t wear make up. My skin is red, dry, tight and painful. I’d love to go out and enjoy, it’s literally the first thing she’s invited me to in we’ll over a year. But just her reaction I could tell she was being funny.
And I do understand we live different lives, but I have a kid free weekend every other weekend. It’s not like I’m asking her to come to the zoo, it just would be nice to be considered too

OP posts:
converseandjeans · 24/12/2022 01:02

I don't think you can expect her to hang about waiting for you to have a child free moment. Have you instigated anything?

SleepingStandingUp · 24/12/2022 01:03

What did you want her to reply op?

HitMeWithAHotNoteAndWatchMeBounce · 24/12/2022 01:05

You cancelled on her.

Maybe you can tell us what you expected her reaction to be, and we can decide if you’re being unreasonable or not, because at the moment, you’re coming across as incredibly unreasonable, but I suspect we’re missing something key.

Original poster
Scarebe · 24/12/2022 01:08

I have asked her multiple times to do things together. I’ve sent links to cool things we could do, she replied back to the latest one oh I’ve done that already. It was brunch and karaoke; something she could repeat?? When she doesn’t feel like going out I’ve invited her round for her favourite dinner, she just says yeah sounds good. Never bothers.

I didn’t really expect her to say much and To anyone else it’s a normal reply, this is not like her and I feel she’s being funny.

OP posts:
honeylulu · 24/12/2022 01:14

What do mean by "being funny"? I think that's the bit we are trying to understand.

Do you mean you expected her to be more obviously disappointed that you'd cancelled?

Original poster
Scarebe · 24/12/2022 01:17

No I don’t want her to be more disappointed I didn’t want to let her down. Her message seemed to me like she was being short. That’s not how she usually talks just oh right. Hope you feel better soon. I didn’t cancel for just no reason. I’m up at 1 am because my face feels like it’s on fire

OP posts:
ShellDove · 24/12/2022 01:29

cstaff · 24/12/2022 00:47

I don't understand why you snapped at her when it was you that had cancelled. What reaction did you want from her.

Agreed - the rest isn't great of your friend but not sure why this made you snap?

SomeBeings · 24/12/2022 01:41

She isn't going to be in a rush to see you again.

You could apologise for being rude to her if you want to try and make amends.
It sounds like she enjoys doing more lively socialising rather than just seeing one person for a meal. That's an ok thing to prefer.

Summerfun54321 · 24/12/2022 01:55

For all you know you could have been one of a few who've cancelled short notice and she's justifiably annoyed. I would call a good friend to cancel rather than message.

threeowlsonashelf · 24/12/2022 04:31

When my friends had kids it made me really sad how I was relegated to whenever they could fit me in. I appreciate it's inevitable mainly. If any of them had made as much effort as you seem to make it would have thrilled me. Forget about the snapping - it was a bad reaction and if you are truly good friends she will get over it. If you can, I would try to talk it through with her to see what's what

bert3400 · 24/12/2022 04:46

I'm really confused, you cancelled on her due to a genuine health reason but didn't like her response when you cancelled ? Maybe she was really busy when you sent the message and didn't have time to write an essay back to you. Or maybe a few people have cancelled and now she has to rearrange the event .

Blueberry40 · 24/12/2022 06:49

I can see where you’re coming from op. It sounds like the balance in the friendship has shifted because you’re dependent on her and she has made other friends. This has happened to me with a close friend of over 20 years after I had children, it’s heartbreaking but life goes on. I would let this friendship go if you can and look for other friends who are at a similar life stage to you.

RegularNameChangerVersion21 · 24/12/2022 07:05

I'm confused about the last incident. If she'd arranged a big dinner with lots of other friends and you couldn't attent last minute I'm not sure what else she could say but 'get better soon'. Since this was a big group event it's normal that one person not coming doesn't make a massive difference.

It does sound like the friendship has drifted. It's also normal that she's focusing more on friends in the same life stage. She does sound like she's neglected to keep it going though so it's definiely fair if you decide to stop putting all the effort in. Personally though I've sometimes regretted letting friendships slide. If the person is nice I'd usually rather have them as a more casual friend than not at all.

AnyMucca · 24/12/2022 07:18

Bin her off. She must have had the concert organised well before your meal. She sounds like an arsehole.

RandomSunday · 24/12/2022 07:27

Your friendship has run its course OP. Let it go. How old are your children? Could you join some groups to meet other mums?

user1477391263 · 24/12/2022 07:27

Personally though I've sometimes regretted letting friendships slide. If the person is nice I'd usually rather have them as a more casual friend than not at all.

I agree. I always think of this article when I see people in online fora encouraging people to basically dump friends who are imperfect people or simply not super-close buddies:
www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2021/01/pandemic-goodbye-casual-friends/617839/

It's nice to have close friends, but it's also nice to have more casual friends who you just hang out with on a more infrequent basisnot least because knowing more people expands your social network and might be the way you meet another person who does become a really close friend. When people rush to cancel friendships without good reason, the other inevitable result is that they start to "depend" more on the friends that they do have, meaning that those friendships risk becoming overly intense and needy, which then increases the risk of these friendships going sour. I've seen a lot of this since the pandemicpeople ditching a lot of their friends and acquaintances, and becoming overly needy with their remaining friends and developing slightly OTT expectations of emotional support and "togetherness." Not trying to be unkind to the OP here--I've seen this with a lot of people (including myself at times).

OP, I think this is a close friend who is less close than she was, in part because sometimes when one person has kids and the other does not, it reduces the amount of time you spend together and sometimes the two people do start to spend more time with slightly different social circles. The friend hasn't done anything "bad" (well, forgetting the other meal that time does sound a bit careless, but these things happen); I also don't think she could have said much more than "get well soon" and it's quite likely she was rushing to get ready and out the door at the time. I think that the issue here is more of a mismatch between when she wants from the friendship and what you are still expecting from it.

I would just apologize to her and say you were a bit tense because you were in discomfort, and make effort to widen your friendship circle a bit more, without cutting this friend off. As your kids start to get older, you will probably find that you have a lot more freedom to meet up at different times, rather than only having the odd day or hour here and there.

Mrsphilmiller · 24/12/2022 07:31

if she really said “ah right” then yes, i agree she was being funny… sounds like she’s moved on op, you should too.

pictoosh · 24/12/2022 07:32

Think you've picked the wrong hill to die on here. Obviously there has been a build up of resentful, hurt feelings owing to the friendship dynamic changing...but really, there is no response to your cancellation reason other than the one she gave.

OrigamiOwls · 24/12/2022 07:42

You both live your lives in different ways and neither of you are wrong for that.
You've cancelled on her (with good reason) but then snapped at her when she hasn't come across as sufficiently gutted about you cancelling. How did your want her to react? You've cancelled on her and she's responded, but apparently not well enough to meet your standards.

Gently do you have many other friends OP? I'm wondering if she's got quite a few so has lots of people to see, where as if she is your main friend then you are more likely to be sensitive about her not being available when you are.

Overall I'd say the friendship had cooled. She didn't need to plan her life around your childfree time, however she does sound a bit flakey which I can see is irritating (although about this dinner she didn't come to - did she confirm she would? Or was the invitation a "I'm free in 3 weekends time you must come over to dinner" and then never mentioned again?)
The friendship had cooled, but after your passive-agressive message I would imagine the friendship is now over.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 24/12/2022 07:56

Sounds like your friend was disappointed you were cancelling on her at such short notice so didn't fluff out her message.

Re the karaoke brunch thing, maybe it was crap and she didn't want to do it again. Yeah she could have but it would have cost her however much to do something she didn't like.

It is rubbish when you have to make more effort than the other person, but friendships do tend to fluctuate and different people have to take the lead.

Swipe left for the next trending thread