To want to stop buying my adult nieces and nephews expensive Xmas presents

[Thewifefury]

Having the standard what do you want for xmas chat with my sis, and she says don't buy me and or my partner anything expensive - just buy for the kids. Which I'd totally accept if her kids were children - but all three of her offspirng are young adults in their 20s. These adults dont buy my only child who is 9 a present for bday or christmas (although my sis does and puts all their names on). I've religously bought them all generous Christmas and bday presents but now the eldest is 21 I'm thinking I can drop the expensive gifts. I'll get them something small as a token, but I'm thinking its time to draw a line. Anyone else experienced similar?

I have this with my cousins... who due to a generation gap in our family are the age my nieces would be if we had a family. I used to buy for a family of four, now they have grown to a family of 2x4 and 1x2... 10 people! And two of us! I get into a bit of a frenzy buying for them every year. It's not even the money, it's thinking what to buy!

As a family we decided we would all donate to charity instead of buying for each other's adult children.

I suppose it depends on your own family dynamic, I only have one niece and one nephew so kind of want to keep buying for them (I remember how kind my aunt was to me) and I would love to keep the relationship going with no strings attached (but can completely understand if money is limited or you feel the relationship has slowed).

As a child, I had a long list of people I bought/made presents for, including aunts and uncles. Pocket money had to be allocated for this and I remember loving the planning and wrapping.
When my brother had his kids, they never bought for me (even though it was a family tradition). Whatever.
The thing that changed everything for me was when I got fed up with giving presents to the nieces and nephew and never getting thanked. Nor any gifts.
As such, they are now 18+ and will get nothing from me.

In our family, once you are an adult, you stop giving xmas gifts. It was understood with all my siblings. We don't buy each other anything either.

The last birthday present I do is 18. The last Christmas present I do is the Christmas after they are 18. I just decided and didn't discuss it with anyone. I actually wouldn't give anyone a heads up. If your sister gives you a suggestion for a present just say oh I am not buying this year (next) . I am going to do the same with my god children although I will continue to get them a Christmas decoration every year....I make them.

We stopped buying niece/nephew gifts at age 21 and don’t buy for our own siblings either but me and DH did host a family gathering every year and provide all food and drinks and give everyone a Christmas stocking with some little silly gifts in up until the pandemic. Some of them would bring a bottle of wine or box of biscuits but most didn’t bother even when all adults and all working. Never had even a Christmas card from Adult nieces/nephews.

You have left it too late this year.
Have the conversation around September next year. Then stop the gifts after that.

We went to this system years ago. It makes things much simpler. My siblings and I also agreed to stop giving presents to each other, except for milestone birthdays.

Yep, agree with this. It’s what I did last year, and also because out of mine had reached 18. I’ve got five older than my two (and ten younger 🙄). Last year I sent a message to alls saying now they’re all adults let’s stop buying for them and just buy for the littlelies. Everyone agreed immediately, I felt they might have been relieved tbh.

Just make a rule once they hit 21 you don’t buy them presents anymore…it’s 18 in our family but guess your past that now

Yes - one more year next Christmas for the twins, as otherwise it seems a bit unfair that they end up with one year fewer than the eldest; but then it stops.

That said, I don't think it's at all unusual that adult children in their early 20s don't buy separate presents for their cousins, as long as their parents have bought 'from the family'.

Bit late to be having the conversation for this year, once everyone has bought everything, but the general principle makes sense.
We buy up until each dn's 21st birthday. But, I suggested that when the eldest dn was about 19 or 20, and everyone has done the same for all their dn's.

If I am seeing any of them on the day, we might get them some chocs or biscuits or something token, but we don't get anything at all once they pass 21 for Christmas or birthdays (except cards).
I wouldn't expect cousins to get things for their cousins, even when they are adults.

Haha, good point! As one is referred to as the eldest, my guess is a singleton (21) followed by twins (20) 😁 OP I think it's absolutely fine to stop buying presents for them next year.

If you get one present from ‘all the Walshes’ then I’d give one back to ‘all the walshes’… maybe a hamper type thing with nice biscuits, sweets, Prosecco, beer etc… I definitely wouldn’t do individual anymore and they’d probably be glad of the nice bits that will be eaten/drank over Christmas rather than a present that they probably wouldn’t buy themselves anyways

I thought exactly this last year when I was buying my niece and nephews (all in their 20s) a Christmas present. Wondered if this would be the year to finally stop. Then my darling 26 year old nephew died in a tragic accident at Easter. I would give anything to be buying him a present this year (I’ve put a holly wreath on his grave instead). My mindset is completely changed now. He was always grateful for his present and always made a point of thanking me.

Why is it too late? The adult nieces/nephews don’t buy for OP’s dc anyway, and Op will still buy for her sister.

I still buy for my niece 19 but the difference is that she now buys a present for me too! My friend still buys for her 25 and 27 year old nieces and they don't even send her a card....Their mum just puts their names on her card!

Sorry for your loss, foxy
Not quite the same but my mum said she'd do me a stocking until I moved out. Then it became when I had kids. I'm 40+ with two DC and live >100 miles away and my stocking from her is here
I remember my nan doubling how much she gave me and my sister one year and was told it was because my cousins didn't say thank you so we got theirs too!
Agree with a PP on doing a joint, family present.

Ah typo on my part. Youngest are 21 and yes they are twins. Good sleuthing.

It was a couple of weeks ago and to be fair we don't live local so won't see them on Xmas itself so I have another week before we see them.

We have never bought for nephews and nieces in my family or DH’s, not even when they were small. Nor have mine or DH’s siblings bought for our children. We’re all very friendly and get on well.

YANBU. Small token gift like chocolates will suffice.

Thanks for all the feedback. Tbh its less the actual nieces and nephews who are lovely and grateful and sweet (and I will still get them a token). It's my sister I'm worried about as she clearly has expectations...

The trouble with stopping presents for teens is, if they don’t work, they will get nothing and have no money to buy anything. Especially if siblings are still getting a present it’s a bit upsetting.
Its such a shame.
Why not put £10 in a card, if it’s affordable for you, then they can spend it how they’d like,
I still remember being very much an impoverished teenager.

Do these 20 year old nephews and nieces buy you anything themselves, with their own money? Do you have a close relationship, would they pop in for a cuppa if they were visiting your town? Do they make contact independently on your birthday?
If you have no independent adult relationship with them, I think it's more than ok to stop Xmas presents. These things do work both ways.