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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let him stay over.

48 replies

MovingAPiano · 23/12/2022 19:50

I have name changed for this thread.

My sons father has asked if he can stay over for two nights, I wouldn’t mind but he can be very inappropriate.

He has also taken it upon himself to FaceTime our son and tell him that he will be staying.

OP posts:
Cw112 · 23/12/2022 19:51

You don't need to let anyone stay in your home who makes you feel uncomfortable and he was unreasonable to let your ds know he's staying without confirming with you first.

pastypirate · 23/12/2022 19:54

No way. It's your home. As an adult it's your decision

Outtasteamandluck · 23/12/2022 19:55

Do you still co-own the property hence the ask ?

You can still say no.

BCBird · 23/12/2022 19:56

Manipulative get. He must be the one to.tell ur son.he is not staying. Should not be blaming u either.

Dora26 · 23/12/2022 19:57

No! Simple as.

evemillbank · 23/12/2022 19:58

Don't reward his behaviour

Shinyandnew1 · 23/12/2022 19:59

No.

MintJulia · 23/12/2022 20:19

No, absolutely not. You say he is already inappropriate, and he's taking huge liberties. It's inevitable what will happen.

Sunnytwobridges · 23/12/2022 20:23

Don't do it.

FormAnOrderlyQueue · 23/12/2022 20:25

Absolutely no way.
Manipulative twat.

Original poster
MovingAPiano · 23/12/2022 20:36

Thanks for the replies, now I have to explain to my son who has ADHD that his dad won’t be coming!

Yes, he is very manipulative I’m a little worried that he will just turn up.

When I say inappropriate I am referring to him touching me and coming into my room in the middle of the night, he thinks the whole thing is funny.

OP posts:
WhoWants2Know · 23/12/2022 20:43

Then absolutely not, and you can explain to your son that his disrespectful behaviour is the reason why.

Jesusmaryjosephandtheweedon · 23/12/2022 20:44

He is a bully and an abuser. Tell him he is not welcome to stay at your home and he is never to touch you again.

Original poster
MovingAPiano · 23/12/2022 22:25

I have just called him and tried to explain that I will not feel comfortable with him being around me.

He has said he is coming anyway, and I just need to relax. And that we will go to his mums on Xmas day.

Christmas is now ruined GREAT!!

OP posts:
Freeasabird76 · 23/12/2022 22:29

If he rurns up when you've told him no,you phone the police,no one is allowed to enter your home without permission unless they have a warrant.Show your son how you stand up to bullies.

poefaced · 23/12/2022 22:30

Why are you being so passive, OP?

Why would you even let him in your home?

FictionalCharacter · 23/12/2022 22:31

MovingAPiano · 23/12/2022 20:36

Thanks for the replies, now I have to explain to my son who has ADHD that his dad won’t be coming!

Yes, he is very manipulative I’m a little worried that he will just turn up.

When I say inappropriate I am referring to him touching me and coming into my room in the middle of the night, he thinks the whole thing is funny.

Oh he knows it’s not funny. He’s deliberately intimidating you. He sounds very frightening.
Can you arrange to not be there when he’s due to arrive? He doesn’t have a key does he?

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 23/12/2022 22:36

MovingAPiano · 23/12/2022 22:25

I have just called him and tried to explain that I will not feel comfortable with him being around me.

He has said he is coming anyway, and I just need to relax. And that we will go to his mums on Xmas day.

Christmas is now ruined GREAT!!

No. Do not allow this. Text him and tell him he’s not coming in. If he arrives you will not answer and if he’s tries to enter you will call the police. Do not let this man control you like this.

if you son needs an explanation you simply need to tell him- “this is my house and so I decide who gets to stay here. I don’t let dad stay here because we aren’t together anymore. You can spend time with daddy at daddy’s house”. it will be a benefit for your son to model holding boundaries.

poefaced · 23/12/2022 22:37

It’s scary how many women think they owe men access to their homes and their bedrooms.

Nanny0gg · 23/12/2022 22:38

MovingAPiano · 23/12/2022 22:25

I have just called him and tried to explain that I will not feel comfortable with him being around me.

He has said he is coming anyway, and I just need to relax. And that we will go to his mums on Xmas day.

Christmas is now ruined GREAT!!

tried to explain that I will not feel comfortable with him being around me.

Why didn't you just say that No, he wasn't coming and that you are not letting him in. And no, you are not going to his mother's.

Does he have a key? Is it still his house too?
If you feel threatened or vulnerable, phone the police. Inappropriate touching is sexual assault and you are frightened.

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/12/2022 22:39

He has said he is coming anyway, and I just need to relax.

I find the nuclear option is best. Text back, "if you do, I will call 999. Take a hint".

He's a wannabe rapist FFS, don't let him in your house.

Shatterproof9 · 23/12/2022 22:40

MovingAPiano · 23/12/2022 22:25

I have just called him and tried to explain that I will not feel comfortable with him being around me.

He has said he is coming anyway, and I just need to relax. And that we will go to his mums on Xmas day.

Christmas is now ruined GREAT!!

Is he fuck!!

OP you’ll be doing Christmas exactly how you want to with your son, you won’t be allowing anyone to stay and abuse you in the night (this is no funny matter, this is truly abuse) and you sure as hell won’t be visiting people if you choose not to.

my god OP lock the doors

Murdoch1949 · 23/12/2022 22:40

You need to have a family member or close friend ready to assist you if he refuses to leave when you ask him to. Get them primed to phone you at an agreed time. Don't let him drink any alcohol in your house either.

OurChristmasMiracle · 23/12/2022 22:42

I would message very clearly “you are not welcome to stay in my home and will not be doing so”

if you are happy for him to be there for Xmas presents or whatever you could add “I am happy for you to spend time with ds from x time to y time but will need to leave after that”

followed by “if you do turn up/don’t leave when requested the police will be called and formal complaint will be raised”

JustAnotherManicMomday · 23/12/2022 22:45

Send him a firm message saying No you will not be staying here. Do not open your door to him and if he tries to gain access or you allow him in during the day but he refuses to leave call the police to remove him.