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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let him stay over.

48 replies

MovingAPiano · 23/12/2022 19:50

I have name changed for this thread.

My sons father has asked if he can stay over for two nights, I wouldn’t mind but he can be very inappropriate.

He has also taken it upon himself to FaceTime our son and tell him that he will be staying.

OP posts:
SnackyOnassis · 23/12/2022 22:48

Do you have a lock on your bedroom door OP? If you absolutely can't stop him from coming and staying, please take your son into your room (you can make it a fun sleepover event!) and lock it from the inside.
A bolt is cheap and quickly fitted if the door doesn't have a lock. If he tries to enter when you've bolted the door and gets aggressive, then call the police. Sorry for such a crap situation, OP.

Return2thebasic · 23/12/2022 22:55

I know what you mean. You need to think about what your DS might perceive regardless what the reality is for you. Children don't necessarily understand...

Can you possibly invite a friend to come over to yours those two days?

About the Christmas day, you really have to say no. He can't force you.

Lysianthus · 23/12/2022 23:08

SnackyOnassis · 23/12/2022 22:48

Do you have a lock on your bedroom door OP? If you absolutely can't stop him from coming and staying, please take your son into your room (you can make it a fun sleepover event!) and lock it from the inside.
A bolt is cheap and quickly fitted if the door doesn't have a lock. If he tries to enter when you've bolted the door and gets aggressive, then call the police. Sorry for such a crap situation, OP.

I know you mean well but where do you get a lock on a Friday night?
Anyway. OP you must not allow him into your house and as PP have said, call the police if he tries to gain what is essentially unauthorised entry! Stay strong.

Original poster
MovingAPiano · 24/12/2022 06:08

Sorry for the late reply.

I am not afraid of him, he just irritates my spirit. I can’t function when he is around me, even when he comes to collect our son, I don’t let him him.

We broke up because he was a serial cheater, I just can’t have him around me. It shouldn’t even get to the stage where I have to lock my bedroom door.

OP posts:
LightDrizzle · 24/12/2022 06:32

Do NOT let him in. Warn him you will call the police if he attempts to come inside your house. He won’t believe you because he doesn’t think you’d “- do that to your son” as he’s been a manipulative bastard involving him, so be clear you know that’s what he’s assuming but thanks to his bullying you are now going to have to have a conversation with your son. Tell him you will explain that when mummy and daddy are separated they can’t go into each other’s houses without permission and when daddy is in mummy’s house he isn’t nice to her so it’s better he sees his dad at his dad at his house or somewhere else. Unfortunately daddy won’t listen, so if he comes you will get the police to explain to the rules to him so he does listen.

Hopefully you won’t have to follow through but you must be prepared to if he thinks you are bluffing and tells you he is coming anyway. Explain to your son why you are locking the doors and not letting his dad in. Reassure him that you are still happy for his dad to see him just as before but not in your house. You know he loves his dad and his dad loves him but what his dad is doing just now is bullying you so you have to stop it. Once daddy understands things will be okay again but you have to be strong just now.

If you have call the police be clear that your ex uses access to your house as means to sexually harass and coerce you.

What a nightmare for you. He’s an utter shit.

💐

girlmom21 · 24/12/2022 06:38

Don't let him in the house OP.

Original poster
MovingAPiano · 24/12/2022 06:43

I will tell him he can come and get our son for a few hours today, and tomorrow evening he can take him to his families house.

I would never call the police on him, I just couldn’t do it.

I have told him I wouldn’t mind him staying over but he just doesn’t know how to keep his hands to himself; as I said previously he thinks it’s a joke. He has zero respect for me or my feelings!

OP posts:
LightDrizzle · 24/12/2022 06:47

He’s abusive. Laughing it off as a joke doesn’t wash.

RedHelenB · 24/12/2022 06:53

MovingAPiano · 24/12/2022 06:43

I will tell him he can come and get our son for a few hours today, and tomorrow evening he can take him to his families house.

I would never call the police on him, I just couldn’t do it.

I have told him I wouldn’t mind him staying over but he just doesn’t know how to keep his hands to himself; as I said previously he thinks it’s a joke. He has zero respect for me or my feelings!

So then you will have to put up with him calling the shots if you tell him he's not coming into the house, if he proceeds to do you're just going to let him?

SquishyGloopyBum · 24/12/2022 06:55

MovingAPiano · 24/12/2022 06:43

I will tell him he can come and get our son for a few hours today, and tomorrow evening he can take him to his families house.

I would never call the police on him, I just couldn’t do it.

I have told him I wouldn’t mind him staying over but he just doesn’t know how to keep his hands to himself; as I said previously he thinks it’s a joke. He has zero respect for me or my feelings!

He sexually assaults you.

Why have you said you don't mind him staying? You sound very worn fine by him.

Keep the doors locked and keys in the locks.

You should consider the police. Why don't you feel you can?

picklemewalnuts · 24/12/2022 06:59

It's sexual assault. He's deliberately touching you, knowing you don't want it. He's pretending it's a joke. He's not a safe person.

rainbowstardrops · 24/12/2022 07:07

Not a chance I'd let him stay over! He wouldn't even get in the door.

Redebs · 24/12/2022 07:08

It would be better if you don't let him in the house at all. Set a boundary and stick to it.

You describe his presence as unsettling and annoying because of your inner conflicts about having him around. Part of you is saying NO, even if you interpret the situation openly as 'harmless'. Your self-protective instincts are active, even if you aren't feeling physically threatened. Your individual dignity is challenged everytime he oversteps what is appropriate. Would you let a stranger grope you in a supermarket? Obviously not.

He is damaging your peace of mind in your own home. His wandering hands and lack of respect for your privacy, are control tactics he is using to assert himself over you. It's like a little tomcat peeing on things.

Moving forward OP, your aim should be to coparent with him in a way that reinforces your own separateness from him and remains strong and dignified. He will always be part of your child's life, but your relationship with him is in the Past now.

Outtasteamandluck · 24/12/2022 07:09

If he touches you without consent, it's assault.

Don't let him ruin Christmas.

Surely he can't stay at one of the many lovely girls he cheated with ? 🤷‍♀️

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 24/12/2022 08:29

Op you sound terribly controlled by him. If you won’t address it for your own sake please do if for your child who has a right to learn that people can hold boundaries and their father doesn’t get to do whatever he wants.

can you reread what you’ve written. This man disrespects your boundaries and touches you (I assume you mean sexually) in a way you don’t want. That’s not ok. That type of person won’t respect any boundary so you have to enforce the
boundaries and be prepared to back them up. If you don’t he will continue to do why he want me regardless of how that impacts you or your child.

I think you need to seek support from a domestic abuse charity/ service. Speak through your relationship with them and get some proper support in how to move forward.

Original poster
MovingAPiano · 24/12/2022 12:24

He has just come to collect our son, I didn’t let him in the house, he tried to give me a hold-all bag with his clothes in for tomorrow. I told him to take it back because he can’t stay here.

OP posts:
Redebs · 24/12/2022 12:39

MovingAPiano · 24/12/2022 12:24

He has just come to collect our son, I didn’t let him in the house, he tried to give me a hold-all bag with his clothes in for tomorrow. I told him to take it back because he can’t stay here.

Woo hoo! Well done you!
Have a great Christmas x

HermioneWeasley · 24/12/2022 12:43

MovingAPiano · 24/12/2022 12:24

He has just come to collect our son, I didn’t let him in the house, he tried to give me a hold-all bag with his clothes in for tomorrow. I told him to take it back because he can’t stay here.

Well done OP. Enjoy a lovely Christmas feeling comfortable in your own home.

MrsTerryPratchett · 24/12/2022 14:03

he just doesn’t know how to keep his hands to himself

It's important how you talk to yourself. He can, he chooses not to. Because he wants to touch you even though he knows you don't want him to.

Return2thebasic · 24/12/2022 19:21

Well done, OP, for standing firm on your ground! Hope after a couple of times, he gets the message and never tried tmit with you again!

Pineappleskies · 24/12/2022 19:30

Yes well done OP. In your first posts you seemed to resent having to enforce a boundary. But now you have done it!! Otherwise he'd have tried this every year and on other occasions. Now you can say, as we established in 2022 you're not invited to stay over.

picklemewalnuts · 24/12/2022 21:17

Oh well done!!

704703hey · 24/12/2022 21:22

You're not a convenience stop. Hold your ground. Sorry he's attempting to force himself upon your space, he can sod off.

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