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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH told me to butt out

30 replies

e11even · 23/12/2022 16:44

DH and his mother are having a disagreement and DH has decided to completely blank her. In my opinion, he is wrong and I’ve told him he should at least speak with her about it rather than switch off - which is classic him. It’s Christmas and she’s overseas so blanking her really isn’t fair in my opinion and I’ve expressed this to him for him to tell me to “butt out” as it has nothing to do with me. Is he right and AIBU? I guess I just feel like there’s ways to say things and this wasn’t it.

OP posts:
WunWun · 23/12/2022 16:45

yABU

CatherinedeBourgh · 23/12/2022 16:45

Yes, he's right. In the middle of someone's relationship with their mother is a really bad place to be. Keep out of it.

Original poster
e11even · 23/12/2022 16:48

CatherinedeBourgh · 23/12/2022 16:45

Yes, he's right. In the middle of someone's relationship with their mother is a really bad place to be. Keep out of it.

Good to hear a different perspective to mine so thanks for responding. I guess it's difficult listening to him go on and having to sit quietly.

OP posts:
AftersomeAdvice234 · 23/12/2022 16:49

I understand you mean well but yes I think YABU

best to keep out

BrookieButter · 23/12/2022 16:51

YABU

Butt out

JoyBeorge · 23/12/2022 16:52

What did she actually do wrong?

BCBird · 23/12/2022 16:53

I don't think u r being unreasonable to object to 'butt out' but.i do think it is best to stay neutral. Have u been expressing your opinion a lot? If ur husband is continually talking about the issue and it gettin to.u I would turn.it around to ask.him.how he thinks he could deal.with it or treat.it as white noise.

MissyB1 · 23/12/2022 16:54

Yanbu to give an opinion. He may not like or agree with your opinion but in my view spouses should be able to be honest with each other. An adult response would have been “well I hear you but I still think I’m right”
My 13 year old might say “butt out”

neverbeenskiing · 23/12/2022 16:56

What you consider "blanking" may just be him feeling hurt and needing some space. Denying him this, by pushing for them to have contact before he is calm and ready to talk, risks escalating the situation. How will you both feel if you pressure him to talk to her and he ends up saying something he then regrets?

Testina · 23/12/2022 16:58

In your opinion he’s wrong: but is he actually?

Original poster
e11even · 23/12/2022 16:59

BCBird · 23/12/2022 16:53

I don't think u r being unreasonable to object to 'butt out' but.i do think it is best to stay neutral. Have u been expressing your opinion a lot? If ur husband is continually talking about the issue and it gettin to.u I would turn.it around to ask.him.how he thinks he could deal.with it or treat.it as white noise.

Yh as I said I think there's ways to say things and his response was rude. I have no issue butting out but he complains about the issue with his mum often (long story to type on here) so I chose to give an opinion on it but yes, next time I'll ask!

OP posts:
Original poster
e11even · 23/12/2022 17:00

MissyB1 · 23/12/2022 16:54

Yanbu to give an opinion. He may not like or agree with your opinion but in my view spouses should be able to be honest with each other. An adult response would have been “well I hear you but I still think I’m right”
My 13 year old might say “butt out”

This is how I feel and my main annoyance with it

OP posts:
DuplicateUserName · 23/12/2022 17:01

I mean you probably should butt out but at the same time, he's involving you by sounding off about it.

SnarkyBag · 23/12/2022 17:02

Next time he sounds off tell him if you’re not allowed to voice an opinion then you don’t want to hear about it.

RudsyFarmer · 23/12/2022 17:03

He’s right. He’s circus. If he wants to go low contact it’s nothing to do with you.

Itsthewhitehat · 23/12/2022 17:07

Next time he mains about the situation and his mother ask hi. What he wants from the conversation. If it’s just to rant, explain he has done it several times and it doesn’t appear to be helping him.

Sometimes people just want to rant. And in a relationship sometimes we just have to listen, not tell someone they are wrong or offer advice. But if he is going on and on and you have sat and listened to him get it off his chest, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you not wanting to hear it over and over.

But you do need to have at least listened without the ‘you are wrong’ lecture.

Original poster
e11even · 23/12/2022 17:08

Itsthewhitehat · 23/12/2022 17:07

Next time he mains about the situation and his mother ask hi. What he wants from the conversation. If it’s just to rant, explain he has done it several times and it doesn’t appear to be helping him.

Sometimes people just want to rant. And in a relationship sometimes we just have to listen, not tell someone they are wrong or offer advice. But if he is going on and on and you have sat and listened to him get it off his chest, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you not wanting to hear it over and over.

But you do need to have at least listened without the ‘you are wrong’ lecture.

Yh I suppose this was my issue. I have been misunderstanding the rants and felt my opinion was needed when it clearly wasn't!

OP posts:
User787878787878 · 23/12/2022 17:29

But ranting has to stop at some point - in the early days, fine. When it's been going on for a while then it's not productive, and it's pretty unfair to the person having to listen to the rant. There comes a point where if you don't want an opinion, then you need to stop ranting and find other more productive ways to vent your spleen that don't involve using others as emotional punching bags.

Merryoldgoat · 23/12/2022 17:33

I think it depends on what their disagreement is about but broadly speaking I stay out of my husband’s familial relationships.

Nanny0gg · 23/12/2022 17:59

RudsyFarmer · 23/12/2022 17:03

He’s right. He’s circus. If he wants to go low contact it’s nothing to do with you.

Then he needs to shut up about it if he doesn't want opinions

Hbh17 · 23/12/2022 18:01

How would you feel if he commented about your relationship with your parent? His situation is really nothing to do with you.

Aquamarine1029 · 23/12/2022 18:03

Tell him you're no longer interested in hearing about his issues with his mother if you aren't even allowed to express your opinion. He can keep that shit to himself from now on.

Aquamarine1029 · 23/12/2022 18:05

Hbh17 · 23/12/2022 18:01

How would you feel if he commented about your relationship with your parent? His situation is really nothing to do with you.

Then he should keep his issues with his mother to himself. You can't offload onto someone and demand they don't express their opinion on the matter.

Proudofitbabe · 23/12/2022 18:09

I think it's almost always the right thing to encourage a reconciliation, and he's fortunate you're someone who'll talk his mum up, not down.

Ultimately though it's up to him and you'll have to go with that.

Original poster
e11even · 23/12/2022 18:16

Thanks for the advice everyone.

I really wish I had not commented to him now. My advice to him wasn't intended to invalidate his feelings towards his mother at the moment but only to encourage a conversation between him and his mother considering she's far away. My mother was over yesterday and he had even ranted with her about it so I was confused that what he needed from me was just to listen and keep out of it but understood now.

OP posts:
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