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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Dad's gone away for Xmas

36 replies

MrsSte · 23/12/2022 10:46

I understand why but can't help feeling a bit upset by it.

We devastatingly lost my DM nearly 3 years ago (will be 3 years in Feb). Since then DF has spoken about going away for Xmas but I thought was all talk but alas no! Hopped on a plane yesterday and is now somewhere hot and sunny without so much as a thought about me, my DD or my brother. Further my brother lives elsewhere in the UK so is now not coming home to see us either (see's no point as DF isn't here) Other members of the family have all made plans. It's just bothering me that apart from OH and DD I'm not going to see a single member of my own family over Xmas, Aibu? Christmas was such a big thing when my DM was here and she always said it wasn't about the gifting it was the family time she loved so I feel maybe disrespectful ( I don't know if that's the right word) to her memory.

Anyway done me good to just have a moan I think. I will be going to OH family to have Chinese food on Xmas day (Chinese?!) but that's another story!

OP posts:

TheLittlestLightOnTheXmasTree · 23/12/2022 10:48

Don't blame him!

Why do you think he's not given a thought for you or anyone else? Just because he's done what HE wants and not what YOU want?

MolesOnPoles · 23/12/2022 10:50

Sorry you’re in the dumps - but honestly, good for him! No point him being at home moping (presumably) when he could be in the sun. You are with your family, just not all of them.

Notimeforaname · 23/12/2022 10:50

and is now somewhere hot and sunny without so much as a thought about me, my DD or my brother.

I think yabu here. The man lost his wife and needed to get away he has to think about himself. You have your partner.

I am very sorry you lost your mum and will miss out on some xmas traditions but do as everyone else is doing, make your own plans.

Maybe you could start up some of your own traditions?
I hope you have a great xmas with your own family and your in laws. (You can bring other food if you dont fancy Chinese)

vodkaredbullgirl · 23/12/2022 10:52

I hope he has a good time away.

thelobsterquadrille · 23/12/2022 10:53

Good for him!

I'm sorry this is bothering you but it's not his responsibility to make sure you have a good Christmas.

whattodo1975 · 23/12/2022 10:55

Is it possible you dad has met someone new and gone away with them?

CPL593H · 23/12/2022 10:56

Gently, you are not alone, you have a DH, a child and in laws. Your Dad may struggle with all the Christmas stuff too and this is his way of dealing with it, pretty sensible and in no way disrespectful of the memory of his late wife.

Life changes. I'd concentrate on your own Christmas and having the best one you can.

Allsnotwell · 23/12/2022 10:56

Well maybe Christmas upsets him or he always wanted to go away for Christmas and do it differently. Either way it’s not fair to say he’s given no thought to your Christmas - he did that for years when you were growing up, same as you do for your daughter!! Adults have lives too especially when their children are grown.

Battlecat98 · 23/12/2022 10:56

That sounds really tough but, I can see both sides. Maybe now you create your own Christmas traditions incorporating some of your mum's. Think about how your dd will talk of your Christmas traditions in the future.

We have to bend over backwards to incorporate my widowed dfil and I do get really fed up but, I think to myself how would I want to be treated if the roles were reversed. Did your dad involve you in his plans? His life has changed forever maybe he feels the need to completely change his plans.

Can you just have your own little Christmas day?

Onnabugeisha · 23/12/2022 10:56

I think you are being a tiny bit unreasonable. It sounds like the big extended family gathering was something your DM created a tradition around. Now that she passed a few years ago, and Covid is over, your DF has decided to celebrate Christmas differently. It might be too hard for him emotionally to have a big family gathering for Christmas with your DM being an obvious missing person from that- it would be rubbing his face constantly with grief. It would no doubt bring back memories of past Christmasses and that can be quite traumatic for a widower or widow to have to contend with while trying to put on a brave & jolly face for the sake of the children and grandchildren.

So he’s probably thought it’s best to have a clean break and make new memories, do something completely different. I know it’s hard for you as you grew up with your DMs family tradition and can feel like an added loss on top of losing your DM, but please don’t think your DF cares for you and the grandchildren any less because he’s doing Christmas abroad in the Sun.

WaltzingWaters · 23/12/2022 10:57

He’s done what he feels he needs/wants to and that’s fine, try to start up some new traditions with your DH and DD. I lost my mum around 3 years ago also and my dad finds putting the tree up and celebrating Christmas very difficult (extra hard as my mum went into hospital at Christmas time and never made it home again).
I hope you have a lovely Christmas even though I know how hard it is without mum around, and try to be happy your dad is doing what he wanted to do.
PS. Chinese food for Christmas dinner is the problem here! I’d be extremely upset by that 😂

Ginqueen1 · 23/12/2022 10:59

I understand that it’s upsetting for you and you feel like it’s breaking your family traditions but it might be too hard for him to do the same Christmas but without your Mum. My fil has done the same this year except he is gone for 4 months every time we talk to him he is in great form and it’s so nice to see him like that because he normally gets very down this time of year without his wife

Hbh17 · 23/12/2022 10:59

Good for him! He needs to create a new life for himself, and a few days in the sun will be lovely.
No adult needs to still be hanging around their own parents every Christmas - it's up to each of us to make our own happiness, whether that be alone, with partner & kids, or with friends.

NerrSnerr · 23/12/2022 10:59

Good on him for putting himself first.

Sounds like you'll still have loved ones around you at Christmas- it'd be different if he went away leaving you alone.

Scriabin · 23/12/2022 11:00

In the gentlest way OP, yes, YABU.

It sounds like Christmas has been very painful for your father since your mother died - this is wonderful that he is doing something he will enjoy, and it probably had to be very, very different for it to be enjoyed. Maybe this is just what he needs to be able to start enjoying a more traditional Christmas next year - maybe not. Maybe he's never really enjoyed that but did it for your mother and you/your brother?

I would imagine him enjoying himself in the sun, surround that image with love and smile - then focus on doing what you can do make Christmas enjoyable for your and your DD.

warmeduppizza · 23/12/2022 11:03

Christmas is probably a very painful time for dad, what with all the happy memories. It’s understandable he needs a break from trying to recreate something that will never be the same again.

Original poster

MrsSte · 23/12/2022 11:07

I think I've had some food for thought here he hasn't met anyone else (It wouldn't bother me if he did, I'd rather him not be lonely).
I think my issue is I hate change, I suppose I'm a grown woman and should just suck it up! Get a grip! What do they say, it's as good as a rest?

OP posts:

Original poster

MrsSte · 23/12/2022 11:20

WaltzingWaters · 23/12/2022 10:57

Chinese I know right?! No Chinese heritage or anything, just their thing! Not even any pigs in blankets

OP posts:

Fluffycloudland77 · 23/12/2022 11:24

Until you’ve lost your partner you just don’t know how it feels. I deal with it by being alone too. It’s just easier than pretending I’m ok.

NewToWoo · 23/12/2022 11:28

Spend time with your inlaws.

Jump in the car and go and visit your brother - why should it be him coming to you? If you are the one who is keener fpor a meet up ask if you can visit between Christmas and New Year and stay over for a night.

Invite the in-laws over for boxing day and have a party. I dopn;t distinguish between my side of the family and DH's. this year we have no family visits and I agree, it does feel very weird. But most years even if it's just DH's eccentric unmarried uncles and his lovely ninety-three year old dad, it feels like a family gathering and I love it.

upfucked · 23/12/2022 11:28

If you want to see your brother you could always go and visit him. If you DF had made plans with you and then has sprung this on you then I would see why you would be upset if not then he isn’t leaving you by yourself you have your husbadyand child.

Original poster

MrsSte · 23/12/2022 11:30

Fluffycloudland77 · 23/12/2022 11:24

Until you’ve lost your partner you just don’t know how it feels. I deal with it by being alone too. It’s just easier than pretending I’m ok.

I'm really sorry you have lost your partner. I do not mean to seem insensitive.

OP posts:

NancyVicious · 23/12/2022 11:32

Can you have a late Christmas gathering with a 'proper Christmas dinner' when he is back?

Sprig1 · 23/12/2022 11:33

It is natural to feel disappointed but embrace the change. I love Christmas with just the 3 of us.

WhatNoRaisins · 23/12/2022 11:41

The thing with Christmas traditions is while they can really add a lot of meaning and nostalgia to the season it can also be a wrench when they have to end for whatever reason.

I think a lot can be said for taking each Christmas season as it comes and being prepared to consider doing different things. Not that I can imagine Christmas without a traditional dinner to be fair 😳. Maybe you could move it to another day, see if you can get it all cheaply on the 28th even.

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