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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think that some alcoholics are beyond help

28 replies

PinkSkyBlueSand · 23/12/2022 09:53

Name changed for this, as a regular poster

My mother is an alcoholic, and has been for about ten years. She's in her 50s, does not work as she inherited property so lives off rental income. She is a serious alcoholic, some might say end stage. She can easily drink a litre plus of vodka a day. The first thing she does in the morning is go to the shops to buy alcohol, then she will drink throughout the day before passing out.

She has alienated all her friends and family. She has been to very expensive rehab for detox several times, but turns back to alcoholism. We have tried AA. Counselling. Therapy. New hobbies. Community stuff. Everything under the sun, but every time, she turns back to drinking. She is abusive to my father, who deserves so much more. She is insincere. She has serious memory issues.

I despair. I always had hoped that she would get better, but now I genuinely believe that some alcoholics are beyond help. It's a terminal illness.

OP posts:
piglet81 · 23/12/2022 09:55

I’m so sorry you’re in this position - it sounds bleak. Have you investigated al-anon or similar as a source of help/support for yourself? Flowers

SerenaTee · 23/12/2022 09:56

I’m afraid I agree with you, there is very little you can do until they decide they want to change and even then, it’s often futile and temporary. I’m so sorry.

RegularNameChangerVersion21 · 23/12/2022 09:58

OP it sounds like you've done all you can to help. It's a tragic situation. I hope you've sought help and support for yourself too.

pointythings · 23/12/2022 09:59

Many alcoholics don't recover. I'd say it's the majority that don't and it looks as if your mother is one of them. You and your dad both need to seek out support for yourselves - Al Anon or SMART Family&Friends will be helpful for you.

VisaGeezer · 23/12/2022 10:00

100%.

A good portion of alcoholics are like this.

My sister has been forced to cut way back due to being, unlike your Mum, forced to work but it's been going on for over 20 years (heavy social drinker before that) with only variations.

She drinks mostly wine so perhaps not as big an impact.

She (and her codependant alcoholic 2nd husband) are always cutting back, they've been cutting back for years.

StephanieSuperpowers · 23/12/2022 10:00

Yes, it's a shocking, destructive disease. Your poor family, your poor father, poor you and your poor mother. Awful situation.

Wolfiefan · 23/12/2022 10:01

Sorry OP. An alcoholic who genuinely wants to stop drinking can be supported. But one who cares more about continuing drinking than anything else can’t be helped. It’s awful.

SallyWD · 23/12/2022 10:01

It's incredibly sad, isn't it? To see someone you love reduced to this. I know from experience how hopeless and helpless you feel. There's nothing you can do except get support for yourself.

Microwaveexpert · 23/12/2022 10:01

Poor you, sounds awful.

But yes totally agree. My sister passed away last year leaving young children behind. Only in her late 30s.

It was a terrible time and I've experienced a lot of guilt feeling I could've done more but unfortunately you're right that you can't help some people.

Don't be afraid to take a step back for your own mental health.
Best wishes

VisaGeezer · 23/12/2022 10:02

Wolfiefan · 23/12/2022 10:01

Sorry OP. An alcoholic who genuinely wants to stop drinking can be supported. But one who cares more about continuing drinking than anything else can’t be helped. It’s awful.

This.

My sister has never ever followed through on going to counselling.

To her, all the disadvantages of her dependence are outweighed by how alcohol makes her feel.

JeezLouiseErrrr · 23/12/2022 10:07

Some just won't/can't stop but some do even if it takes many attempts. I'm sorry about your mother. It sounds like you are all in a lot of pain from alcohol. This bloody fucking thing alcohol.

Eatingjumper · 23/12/2022 10:20

Unless she decides to do it for herself there is nothing you can do, I'm afraid. I've learned the hard way that they won't stop for the sake of their family. If anything, the shame of letting down their family often makes them turn to drink more. That seems to be the universal experience with alcoholic parents. It can be sickening to watch. I am sorry this has been your experience. I know logically that its an illness and I can see how hard it must be to be so dependent on alcohol, but as a child of an alcoholic myself I also know how awful it is to watch, the impact it has on the family in their wake, and how awful, selfish, and pitiful their behaviour can be. You don't say how involved you are in your mums life, but if you can, I'd take many steps back to minimise the impact on you and your own life - especially if you have kids. It looks as though your mum was not like this when you yourself were a child, which is lucky, but you don't want it to impact any kids.

tulips27 · 23/12/2022 10:34

Lots of us have different forms of negative behaviours that may be damaging, unfortunately whereas people usually come out of affairs, poor spending or gambling etc. with their good health, alcoholics sometimes don't.

tulips27 · 23/12/2022 10:35

What I mean is I think the difference lies in the addiction/behaviour (alcoholism) rather than the person (the alcoholic).

Greyskyblue · 23/12/2022 10:37

I agree OP. I have read of an alcoholic choosing euthanasia after failed attempts at rehab.

My father died of alcoholism aged 48, as did his father before him.

It’s an addiction and their primary relationship is with alcohol.

As others have said you have to support yourself and your father as best you can. So sorry you are going through this. My father died when I was 17 and it was a relief. Just wish he had done so sooner. Still feeling the effects of the abuse 40 years later.

Beetlebum1981 · 23/12/2022 10:38

Unfortunately some are beyond help. I know someone who passed away recently as she was unable to stop drinking, even for the sake of her dc who's in their early teens.

JoyBeorge · 23/12/2022 10:40

Alcoholism is a dreadful disease but I think you are right. Some people are beyond help until they accept themselves that they want to change at least.

OopsAnotherOne · 23/12/2022 10:40

OP I'm so sorry to hear about your mother, alcoholism is a vicious, relentless condition.

Just to share my experience as a recovering alcoholic myself, I can honestly say that no matter how hard you try, how desperately you beg or how clear the damage your mother is doing to herself and others is for all around to see, your mother will only be able to get help if she wants to help herself.

I am in my mid-20s so was not in active alcoholism for as long as your mother but almost all alcoholics have the same brain mechanisms which enable them to continue to destroy themselves in the way they are. I started drinking when I was 14/15, it became destructive when I was 18 (daily drinking, secret drinking, passing out every night, drinking huge amounts etc), and I was in AA by the age of 22.

Alcoholism is so hard to wrap my head around, as the drinking starts off as enjoyable, "normal", justifiable to yourself. "Everyone does it", "it's normal to have a drink in the evenings" etc are just some of the things which alcoholics tell themselves which allows the alcoholism to creep further into their lives, until suddenly they're drinking more and more and they're so far into the grips of drinking it becomes almost impossible to escape. In the last couple of years before I got sober and when my drinking was at it's heaviest/most destructive, I despised drinking. Every morning I would wake up in a hazy, sweaty, headachey fog and be desperate to just have a day off drinking today. My job and relationship were at risk, as was my health, and I was absolutely desperate to stop drinking but every day, without fail, I drank myself into oblivion.

I only stopped drinking, went to AA and got sober because I was already desperate to stop drinking but the catalyst was my parents finding me. They'd heard a crash upstairs, ran up to my bedroom and found me collapsed, unconscious and bleeding on my bedroom floor. I still cannot remember what happened, I must have tripped and fell, or passed out and fell, but either way it brought to their attention just how awful my drinking in secret was. Before then, they had no idea I was drinking in my room all evening, but this made them stage a forceful intervention and I was so relieved to essentially have no choice over the matter.

However, if they'd tried to do this intervention before I was ready to stop drinking, I can say with certainty I would not have stopped, no matter how much they begged, cried, pleaded etc for me to get help. The desire for alcohol was so much stronger than any of that, I can't even explain the grip it has over someone.

Essentially what I am trying to say is that an alcoholic can only ever get better if they really, really want to get better and it is very hard for them to want to get better when the alcoholism is telling ever fiber in their being that all they really want/need is alcohol. As hard as it is, you need to try not to take it personally. It isn't a reflection on you or anything you've done, at AA I met some unbelievably intelligent, kind, honest people who became secretive liars who would betray and deceive anyone and anything in order to ensure they could keep drinking.

You have done all of the right things in order to help your mother but it does sound like she simply doesn't want to help herself (yet) and a large amount of people suffering from addiction are the same. All you can do now is support yourself. Al Anon is a group for relatives/loved ones of alcoholics where you can go to receive the support you need and speak to people in similar situations to your own.

Please don't blame yourself or hold any guilt at all, please believe me when I say there is only so much you can do but if an alcoholic wants to keep drinking, they will. All of the things they held dearly in life before the alcoholism crept in now sit in 2nd place behind the priority of drinking. Your mother may know how much harm she is doing, but again speaking from experience, this won't allow her to change. Focus on yourself, while allowing yourself to be there for your mother if/when she can accept help.

Obki · 23/12/2022 10:41

I’m teetotal so I can’t relate at all but I saw a steaming drunk man fall down some pub steps last week. I tried to help by picking up his wallet and phone from the floor and help put his coat on as it was freezing but he was so belligerent. I tried getting the pub to help. I admire people who have to put up with this daily, I felt so helpless.

Thepeopleversuswork · 23/12/2022 10:46

Agree OP. It exerts such a powerful pull over people.

My dad was a high functioning alcoholic and while he never got to the point of shopping for spirits in the morning, alcohol did ruin a lot of his relationships.

For some people it has a way of locking onto their personality and changing it. It’s not so much the volume of alcohol it’s the way it changes people and the way they relate to others etc which is so devastating.

I have noticed a lot of people in my life who have a problem with alcohol have come to rely on it as a lubricant for their social relationships and they don’t feel “normal” without it. It’s very hard to reframe your life if all the significant things that have happened and the people you have met have been mediated through booze.

I have huge respect for people who are dependent and manage to quit. It takes real courage and dedication.

forlornlorna1 · 23/12/2022 10:54

I lost my mom to alcohol when she was in her forties. Right up until she fell into a coma she denied having a drink problem. We did everything we could to get her to even at least cut down. Drink always won. I have not one memory of my mom sober or clean. I had to step back towards the end for my children's sake. I honestly think she never wanted to get sober. My brother said to her once that she didn't have long left to live if she carried on like this, and she said she was ok with that. Her doctor told her she had months if she was lucky but could still turn it around by going into rehab, detox and getting some therapy. She wasn't going to give up the bottle for anything or anyone. So we accepted it and watched her die.

Some people don't want to be helped

Blueskies3 · 23/12/2022 10:55

You are right. It is an illness. I am sorry your mother hasn't given it up.

I find it is the same with all addictions. My Dad has an addiction to gambling and my Mum has an addiction to smoking. I hate addictions and I am sorry that you have to witness it.

FOJN · 23/12/2022 10:57

I'm sorry that your family is dealing with this but I am glad you understand that not every alcoholic wants to stop or can be helped by well intentioned friends and family.

It is often a terminal disease but your mum may get sober yet, however nothing you do will change the outcome for her.

Your father must make his own decisions but it must be difficult to watch him being abused. I think you can reassure him that he has choices and if he chose to leave you would support him.

Have you thought about Al Anon for yourself? I think it's helpful because so many people are riddled with guilt if they chose to detach from alcoholic family members but I think it's really important for those people to talk to others who understand and to know that they cannot fix someone else's alcoholism and they are not obliged to sacrifice their own wellbeing trying.

Nottodaysausage · 23/12/2022 11:08

Yanbu OP, I lost a parent last year age 58, due to alcoholism (liver/kidney failure)
Be kind to yourself, and reach out if you ever need a good rant to someone that understands

maddiemookins16mum · 23/12/2022 11:08

She doesn’t want to stop. That’s it really.
I’m a recovering alcoholic, took my last drink on October 4th 2017.
I knew I was an alcoholic, I could happily crack through 3 bottles of wine (at a push) on certain nights.
I wanted to stop. It affected every part of my life, body, mind and purse.
It’s still hard, if I’m honest I’d say I do miss that buzz you get when it kicks in plus I’m not as ‘entertaining’ as I could be after a bottle of wine.
However after the 2nd I was not entertaining.