Is this normal?

HowToDisappear · 2022-12-23T03:02:16+00:00

I'm prepared to get flamed here but I just want people's views and advice on this situation. It's a long one... sorry! Backstory: I recently broke up with DP, who I was with for about 1 year but had known eachother for several. DP has a DD who is 17. I have had an alright relationship with his DD up until a few months into us being in an official relationship. She now makes her strong dislike of me very clear & at times even issued DP with several ultimatums to leave me. The following issues are one of the reasons why we broke up... Issues: •They interact with eachother about 20 times every day (this is not an exaggeration) numerous texts, calls and facetimes. Ex will immediately stop whatever he is doing and need to respond there and then, to a point where he would always stop me talking mid sentence to talk to her, then forget or ignore the fact we were in the middle of a conversation afterwards. If he doesn't answer, it will get excessive until he answers or turns his phone off. •He will drop everything to go and see her, even if I needed support or we had planned things, it would instantly pushed to the side. •They begin their excessive daily contact from 8-8..30am every day and can go on until the early hours of the morning. The first thing he does is ring her when he wakes up or she will ring him if we are still asleep at this point. Even on weekends, so a lie in is always out of the question. He says he needs to say good morning and good night. •He constantly makes it clear that I will always be second best to her and will never be a priority when it's compared to her. This has severely impacted our relationship and my self esteem. My views: Imo it's good that he prioritises her and they seem to have a great relationship but it is really excessive and I feel like I really don't matter to him and like I'm really not important. I understand that kids come first but She is an practically an adult now and mother. Question: Do they really need this level of excessive interaction? Is it normal that I am immediately pushed aside to accommodate this? Does it ever get to a point where you should put your relationship/partner before your (adult) child? Should their importance not be equal? If I stay with him feel like my life and my goals will never be achieved because of his commitment to her. I want to work and relocate, experience new things and enjoy life. He says he wants this too but I know he will never do those things because of his DD, so therefore I won't be able to.

harrassedmumto3 · 23/12/2022 03:43

She's still just a teenager and a fairly vulnerable one at that, if a mother at 17. Of course he wants to look out for her and his grandchild, and I wish more single dads were like him.
It is absolutely rubbish for you though, and I understand why you ended it. But you are still being unreasonable and, I'm guessing, not a parent yourself.

DinosaurDuvet · 23/12/2022 03:54

harrassedmumto3 · 23/12/2022 03:43

She's still just a teenager and a fairly vulnerable one at that, if a mother at 17. Of course he wants to look out for her and his grandchild, and I wish more single dads were like him.
It is absolutely rubbish for you though, and I understand why you ended it. But you are still being unreasonable and, I'm guessing, not a parent yourself.

I 100% agree with this. I agree it sucks for you, personally I don’t think I could date a single parent - which is hypocritical of me because I am a single parent

Suzi888 · 23/12/2022 03:54

Not being able to have a lie in because you have to say good morning to a child is, in my opinion, OTT.
Cancelling plans, if this happens regularly is OTT.

Children do come first but good God.🙄 His daughter sounds like a very selfish, spiteful individual.

I personally think you’ve done the right thing, as painful as it is. His DD is going to sabotage any relationship this man ever has, along with any future relationships she may have. Though she may not be quite so demanding if she met someone…

If you stay together, you’ll always be second fiddle. Given the things you want in life, you’d need to accept you’ll never have those things if you stay with him. At least he’s made that clear.

I’m surprised, given his DD hates you that it’s lasted this long.

Original poster

HowToDisappear · 23/12/2022 10:44

I am a parent myself yes, DS is 3 and I'm a complete sole parent. He obviously needs more interaction and stimulation than a 17 year old living her own life. I am also a nursery worker.

I would never teach my son or any child to act like this. Imo its pretty selfish behaviour and isnt teaching the child anything, especially boundaries. I wouldn't stop a conversation mid chat with a friend/partner to immediately interact with him, especially if its demanded, because its important for development to learn to take turns. I won't instantly drop my plans because he needs a pint of milk. I wouldn't make my partner or friends feel like they have no importance in my life or that they are less of a person because I'm constantly dismissing them to interact with my adult child. I treat everyone as equals and yes I would leave a partner if it was impacting my DS but I would not let him dictate that or how I interact with them simply because he wants my attention NOW. What example would that teach a child. All he was being taught in this relationship is mummy and me are not important because his DD needs milk or a rant about someone's post on SM.

Yes I get that she's still his child but she is technically an adult in my eyes and its clear she has absolutely no boundaries. She surely needs to learn to stand on her own 2 feet and not need excessive attention from her dad 20 times a day. His whole life needs to be planned and dictated around her and can always change at an instant. Dates have been cut short, activities and days out. He disrupts and forgets he's playing with my DC or in the middle of a conversation with me because he's had to immediately engage with his DD. If this was anyone else being the reason for this then surely they would be flamed for being controlling. Why is this any different?

OP posts:

MelchiorsMistress · 23/12/2022 10:51

The answers to the questions you ask are irrelevant. Whatever you think he should be doing with his dd, he’s not, and he doesn’t want to. They are happy with their relationship and contact the way it is, and regardless of whether or not it’s healthy for them they are free to carry on as they choose and you would be in the wrong to try and change it. It is never a new partners place to try and change a parent/child relationship.

All you can do is decide if you want to put up with it or not, but it sounds like it’s making you unhappy so continuing probably isn’t the best idea.

Lkydfju · 23/12/2022 10:55

It does sound a lot but I’d accept that it’s their relationship where they talk a lot but what I don’t think is normal/ok is that he will stop what he is doing with you or others to respond and cut things short. There should be boundaries; with small children you ask them to wait until you’re finished talking to someone when they want something so why wouldn’t you with a 17 year old

Lkydfju · 23/12/2022 10:56

Although I’d leave well alone to be honest; he’s created this problem and doesn’t want to do anything about it.

Yesthatismychildsigh · 23/12/2022 10:59

What does it matter - you’ve split up. It’s not your problem any more.

Yesthatismychildsigh · 23/12/2022 11:01

Meant to add- let it go, don’t give it headspace.

Original poster

HowToDisappear · 23/12/2022 11:01

I agree about the relationship not being right for me. It is over and I'm happy with that. I feel like me and my DC can actually exist now without having to factor in other people potentially spoiling that... and the lie in on a weekend has been good 😅

I don't plan to ever rekindle this but was just curious if this was normal and acceptable or just normal for them. I didn't know if I was expecting too much (like ex said) by wanting to not be cut short and minimised as a person for his DDs demands or if Its actually important for me to want to feel as important sometimes too.

OP posts:

AbreathofFrenchair · 23/12/2022 11:01

HowToDisappear · 23/12/2022 10:44

I am a parent myself yes, DS is 3 and I'm a complete sole parent. He obviously needs more interaction and stimulation than a 17 year old living her own life. I am also a nursery worker.

I would never teach my son or any child to act like this. Imo its pretty selfish behaviour and isnt teaching the child anything, especially boundaries. I wouldn't stop a conversation mid chat with a friend/partner to immediately interact with him, especially if its demanded, because its important for development to learn to take turns. I won't instantly drop my plans because he needs a pint of milk. I wouldn't make my partner or friends feel like they have no importance in my life or that they are less of a person because I'm constantly dismissing them to interact with my adult child. I treat everyone as equals and yes I would leave a partner if it was impacting my DS but I would not let him dictate that or how I interact with them simply because he wants my attention NOW. What example would that teach a child. All he was being taught in this relationship is mummy and me are not important because his DD needs milk or a rant about someone's post on SM.

Yes I get that she's still his child but she is technically an adult in my eyes and its clear she has absolutely no boundaries. She surely needs to learn to stand on her own 2 feet and not need excessive attention from her dad 20 times a day. His whole life needs to be planned and dictated around her and can always change at an instant. Dates have been cut short, activities and days out. He disrupts and forgets he's playing with my DC or in the middle of a conversation with me because he's had to immediately engage with his DD. If this was anyone else being the reason for this then surely they would be flamed for being controlling. Why is this any different?

Nothing wrong with being a young parent at 17. This isn't about parenting ability though l, it's the fact she got pregnant at a young age. I know how it happened but what was the situation, given that hardly any 16 year olds get pregnant on purpose? Where's the Dad?

Where is her Mom in all of this?

She is a Mom and vulnerable unfortunately so maybe she needs this amount of support off her Dad? You seek to have convinced yourself she hates you and that their relationship is inappropriate but being a parent of a 3 year old is worlds apart from being the parent of a teen mom.

No one should ever prioritise a new relationship over their child. Ever.

Your ex has chosen to parent this way and sounds like he is stepping into the shoes of Mom, Dad and partner and why not? Or would you prefer if he cut contact right down with her and only focused on you and your child together?

I'm assuming at 16, you will be ready to cut your child off so they aren't a burden at 17?

whattodo1975 · 23/12/2022 11:02

Sounds like she needs a boyfriend.

Peacelily38 · 23/12/2022 11:04

HowToDisappear · 23/12/2022 11:01

I agree about the relationship not being right for me. It is over and I'm happy with that. I feel like me and my DC can actually exist now without having to factor in other people potentially spoiling that... and the lie in on a weekend has been good 😅

I don't plan to ever rekindle this but was just curious if this was normal and acceptable or just normal for them. I didn't know if I was expecting too much (like ex said) by wanting to not be cut short and minimised as a person for his DDs demands or if Its actually important for me to want to feel as important sometimes too.

I think it's normal for them.
You aren't compatible.
He can't fulfill you.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 23/12/2022 11:05

She's a child who has a child herself. If anyone needs the unqualified support of a parent, it's somebody in her position, not a grown ass woman with a three year old.

You'd be better off looking for a man who doesn't have a vulnerable 17 year old girl to care for and support.

ThanksAntsThants · 23/12/2022 11:06

It sounds weird and creepily OTT in my opinion. I have a very close relationship with my team DS but there’s a difference between close and codependence, and what you’re describing sounds like the latter. Sounds like you’ve done the right thing. Also sounds like she’d be an insufferablly spoiled brat.

Thepeopleversuswork · 23/12/2022 11:07

whattodo1975 · 23/12/2022 11:02

Sounds like she needs a boyfriend.

A boyfriend sounds like the last thing she needs.

10HailMarys · 23/12/2022 11:08

Yes I get that she's still his child but she is technically an adult in my eyes and its clear she has absolutely no boundaries. She surely needs to learn to stand on her own 2 feet and not need excessive attention from her dad 20 times a day.

Well, you say you've now split up with your boyfriend, so this is no longer any of your business. You don't need to validate anything. You simply have different ideas of what's OK as a parent. Nobody's right or wrong here. You're simply incompatible.

I personally cannot stand constant calls and messaging all day and I'd find the whole thing suffocating and annoying, but my solution to that is not to have relationships with people for whom that's important. I wouldn't have dated my partner if he was from a family where it's the norm to be constantly in touch all day. But someone who likes that kind of relationship with their family probably wouldn't want to date me either. No right or wrong, just different.

LolaMoon · 23/12/2022 11:09

AbreathofFrenchair · 23/12/2022 11:01

Nothing wrong with being a young parent at 17. This isn't about parenting ability though l, it's the fact she got pregnant at a young age. I know how it happened but what was the situation, given that hardly any 16 year olds get pregnant on purpose? Where's the Dad?

Where is her Mom in all of this?

She is a Mom and vulnerable unfortunately so maybe she needs this amount of support off her Dad? You seek to have convinced yourself she hates you and that their relationship is inappropriate but being a parent of a 3 year old is worlds apart from being the parent of a teen mom.

No one should ever prioritise a new relationship over their child. Ever.

Your ex has chosen to parent this way and sounds like he is stepping into the shoes of Mom, Dad and partner and why not? Or would you prefer if he cut contact right down with her and only focused on you and your child together?

I'm assuming at 16, you will be ready to cut your child off so they aren't a burden at 17?

Show quote history

I agree with this and I wonder how you would feel if he complained about your son getting up early preventing him a lie in (which is pretty common for young children).

I dont agree that what he is doing is "wrong", he is parenting her in the way he feels she needs. You may well change your mind once your child is that age. You clearly parent differently and thats ok too, it doesnt mean either of you are wrong.

I'm also a bit confused why you are posting this now if you have broken up- it comes across as a tad bitter as if you are desperate to prove him wrong- but why? You are clearly just not compatible. I think its absolutely right that a step parent comes second to the child and I am sure your son is your priority over any potential future partner. I'm sorry but I think YABU.

RudolphTheGreat · 23/12/2022 11:11

Did you post already about this? There was another post about an extremely similar situation.

Seeline · 23/12/2022 11:11

She's 17 and just had a baby.

She needs all the support and help she can get. Good on her Dad for being there for her.

Yes, he should be putting her first

It's all very well teaching your kids to be independent people, but sometimes they just need help, support and someone just to be there for them. It doesn't matter if they are 3, 17 or 40. Being a parent never stops.

TiddlesTheTiger · 23/12/2022 11:12

Now you've clarified what you were asking - of course you deserve more than he was giving and you were right to break up with him as he intends to continue the same.

He is overdoing the attention to his DD but that's their problem.

Original poster

HowToDisappear · 23/12/2022 11:12

@AbreathofFrenchair her mum is involved yes, as is her new partner. I dont know the ins and outs or any details but Ex isn't actually aloud to see his GD unless supervised anyways. There isn't actually any hands on support to the DD which is why the excessive contact is understandable but slightly weird.

I understand their set up is what they've chosen and what they are happy with but I don't see him ever being able to have a life outside of their relationship. I know that it's no longer my problem but didn't know if these issues were because of me and was something that I needed to work on.

Also to clarify I would not dismiss my child as soon as he turns 16 or turf him out but he would be able to understand that I would also have a life outside of him and be able to stand on his own 2 feet to get a pint of milk from the shop by himself.

OP posts:

ThanksAntsThants · 23/12/2022 11:14

Sorry, I somehow missed that she’s got a baby of her own. I still don’t think it’s healthy, although maybe more understandable. Either way you are better off out of it.

Toddlerteaplease · 23/12/2022 11:15

Where does it say in the op that the daughter has a child of her own?

AbreathofFrenchair · 23/12/2022 11:15

HowToDisappear · 23/12/2022 11:12

@AbreathofFrenchair her mum is involved yes, as is her new partner. I dont know the ins and outs or any details but Ex isn't actually aloud to see his GD unless supervised anyways. There isn't actually any hands on support to the DD which is why the excessive contact is understandable but slightly weird.

I understand their set up is what they've chosen and what they are happy with but I don't see him ever being able to have a life outside of their relationship. I know that it's no longer my problem but didn't know if these issues were because of me and was something that I needed to work on.

Also to clarify I would not dismiss my child as soon as he turns 16 or turf him out but he would be able to understand that I would also have a life outside of him and be able to stand on his own 2 feet to get a pint of milk from the shop by himself.

Is your 3 year old his too?

I'm sorry but after reading that update, alarm bells would be ringing as to why your ex can only have supervised contact with his grandchild yet he's around your 3 year old