Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Is this normal?

46 replies

HowToDisappear · 23/12/2022 03:02

I'm prepared to get flamed here but I just want people's views and advice on this situation. It's a long one... sorry!

Backstory: I recently broke up with DP, who I was with for about 1 year but had known eachother for several. DP has a DD who is 17. I have had an alright relationship with his DD up until a few months into us being in an official relationship. She now makes her strong dislike of me very clear & at times even issued DP with several ultimatums to leave me. The following issues are one of the reasons why we broke up...

Issues: •They interact with eachother about 20 times every day (this is not an exaggeration) numerous texts, calls and facetimes. Ex will immediately stop whatever he is doing and need to respond there and then, to a point where he would always stop me talking mid sentence to talk to her, then forget or ignore the fact we were in the middle of a conversation afterwards. If he doesn't answer, it will get excessive until he answers or turns his phone off.
•He will drop everything to go and see her, even if I needed support or we had planned things, it would instantly pushed to the side.
•They begin their excessive daily contact from 8-8..30am every day and can go on until the early hours of the morning. The first thing he does is ring her when he wakes up or she will ring him if we are still asleep at this point. Even on weekends, so a lie in is always out of the question. He says he needs to say good morning and good night.
•He constantly makes it clear that I will always be second best to her and will never be a priority when it's compared to her. This has severely impacted our relationship and my self esteem.

My views: Imo it's good that he prioritises her and they seem to have a great relationship but it is really excessive and I feel like I really don't matter to him and like I'm really not important. I understand that kids come first but She is an practically an adult now and mother.

Question: Do they really need this level of excessive interaction? Is it normal that I am immediately pushed aside to accommodate this? Does it ever get to a point where you should put your relationship/partner before your (adult) child? Should their importance not be equal?

If I stay with him feel like my life and my goals will never be achieved because of his commitment to her. I want to work and relocate, experience new things and enjoy life. He says he wants this too but I know he will never do those things because of his DD, so therefore I won't be able to.

OP posts:

bloodyplanes · 23/12/2022 11:15

No this is absolutely not normal! He is encouraging his daughter be dependent on him when she should be spreading her wings and starting to live her life! Its very strange! You are well off out of it op, and good luck to him in finding any woman that's going to be happier putting up with that!

Seeline · 23/12/2022 11:15

How old is the baby?

Anotheanon · 23/12/2022 11:16

Why is he only allowed supervised contact with the grandchild?

Original poster

HowToDisappear · 23/12/2022 11:23

I didn't know he wasn't aloud to be around young children untill after his daughter had her baby. I questioned why he hadnt been or made any effort to go and see them but he dismissed this. It wasnt until I kept pressing further and in an argument that he said ss were involved and stopped him being involved with a young baby unless supervised. He refused to give me further details and I haven't gone digging.

This rang alarm bells for me and I left shortly after. The GD is now 5 months old, we split shortly after she was born and the ss involvement with him came to light.

I don't know any details why or what the situation is apart from the above. Like I said this post is more about me wondering if the issues stated is because I have stuff to work on or if me and him were simply incompatible.

OP posts:

harrassedmumto3 · 23/12/2022 11:26

OP, I'm a single mum of 3 (two of whom are teens) who works full-time in a demanding job. Nothing could prepare me for the mental challenge that is raising teenagers. It's the toughest thing I've faced anyway. And a pregnant teen? Good, I can't even imagine

harrassedmumto3 · 23/12/2022 11:28

Holy shit, I've just read about the supervised thing.
This is what would be worrying me now you've split, rather than the effect of his relationship with his daughter on you.

RegularNameChangerVersion21 · 23/12/2022 11:33

I'm sorry but after reading that update, alarm bells would be ringing as to why your ex can only have supervised contact with his grandchild yet he's around your 3 year old

This. Regardless of the relationship with his DD, which sounds complicated, if he's only allowed supervsied contact with his G-DC I wouldn't want him around my young DC and for that reason wouldn't consider him a potential partner.

It sounds like you've broken up anyway so I'd try to move on and not dwell on any of this anymore. It sounds a very complicated situation and you and your child are probably better off not involved with any of it.

Laurdo · 23/12/2022 11:38

I think it's excessive. It's great that he's supportive but she needs to learn to stand on her own too feet and that the entire world doesn't revolve around her.

My DSD is 4 and my DP is a very hands on dad and we have her just over 50%. She is a priority of course but not the only one.

Regardless, it sounds like the problem isn't yours to worry about any more and you've definitely made the right decision to split. I'd be annoyed if my DP was on the phone all day every day to anyone regardless of who it is. Leave them to it, not your circus, not your monkeys.

Peacelily38 · 23/12/2022 11:38

I don't understand why you haven't gone digging.
He's been around your 3 year old.
I think your priorities are mixed up here thinking about why your relationship didn't work,
Instead of finding out why he isn't allowed around babies.

Original poster

HowToDisappear · 23/12/2022 11:41

@Peacelily38 Where exactly could I go digging to find out more information? His DD wouldn't offer this information up nor would his ex. I did recently submit a Claires Law Request though which I'm awaiting to hear back from but other than that I'm unsure what more I could do to dig.

He's never, and I mean never, been around my DS alone nor has he had any opportunities to harm him. I have checked several times since finding this out.

OP posts:

Peacelily38 · 23/12/2022 11:48

HowToDisappear · 23/12/2022 11:41

He's never, and I mean never, been around my DS alone nor has he had any opportunities to harm him. I have checked several times since finding this out.

You didn't mention an application to Claire's Law.
Could you do a Sarah's Law request?

Stressedmum2017 · 23/12/2022 11:49

Well he is obviously a weirdo so yeah wouldn't be surprised if his creepy OTT relationship with his daughter was untoward. At the very least some sort of codependency issue.

DogsDryWineAndCheese · 23/12/2022 11:50

So you’ve been with a man for a year - just 1 year - and it’s ended. Despite it being over you’ve written a post online, which is now completely irrelevant.
You then drip feed that he’s not allowed around young children and you’ve had to do a Clare’s Law search? And yet you’re bothered so invested in wanting agreement that it’s over because of his daughter?
I just don’t get it. Clearly he isn’t safe around children - isn’t that enough?

WhatNoRaisins · 23/12/2022 11:55

Many people who have babies as teenagers end up effectively co-parenting with their own parents when they find they aren't actually ready to be a parent. If that's the case then it's not going to be like a normal grandparent relationship, it's going to take up more time.

The supervised contact though? Wtf OP? What were you thinking letting your own child be around him at all? That's not normal and you should have higher standards for your partner.

Original poster

HowToDisappear · 23/12/2022 11:59

@DogsDryWineAndCheese I didn't want agreement that his daughter was to blame. I also never once said she was the sole reason we broke up.

Like I said I didn't really want any agreements or disagreements. I just wanted to know if this was a me issue that I needed to work on or not.

I apologise for the drip feed but I didn't want to influence anyone's decisions or opinions about further information I simply wanted advice on that issue alone and if there was room for work on my end or this was just simple incompatibility.

The ins and outs of the relationship is irrelevant, we broke up. It's completely dead in the water. My son is safe. The self reflection is what I'm asking about now and if my feelings/stance were valid or needed looked at abit more.

OP posts:

Ponoka7 · 23/12/2022 12:33

It would be normal if she has care needs of some sort. I have to answer the phone to my adult DD because of her LD's, Autism etc. Likewise one of my other DD's went through MH issues and we had intense contact. However the SS thing makes me think that they've got a dysfunctional, if not abusive relationship and it's driven by him. It goes to show that although you say you've known him for years, you didn't know him at all. His DD has a strange attachment to him and he seems happy with that.

Upsidedownagain · 23/12/2022 12:42

I don't know about normal but it doesn't sound reasonable to me (though clearly there are other issues if he is not allowed contact with his grand child - the history could explain a lot).

My DH will drop everything for our late teen / adult daughters and that annoys me sometimes in that it isn't always strictly necessary and makes me feel "lesser".

IDontWantToBeAPie · 23/12/2022 17:48

Sounds like he's committed a crime against children. Being so entwined with his DD may be a symptom of him abusing her in the past... that can happen

happiertimes123 · 23/12/2022 17:52

She sounds like a vulnerable teenage mum in need of a lot of support to me. Can't have been nice to you but given how turbulent her life sounds it's right to prioritise her.

MelchiorsMistress · 23/12/2022 19:52

You’re self reflecting about the wrong thing. You were 100% right to feel like something was wrong enough and you don’t need to doubt that and question yourself. The only thing you should work on your end is trusting your instincts quicker!

Zombiemum1946 · 23/12/2022 20:13

Given the subsequent updates, I'd say you've had a lucky escape. In answer to your original question, no it's not normal. I suspect the results via Claire and Sarah's law are going to be worrying.

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread