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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be uncomfortable

30 replies

refuge123 · 22/12/2022 23:14

I am in a womens shelter. I'm respectful and do my share of housekeeping however I cant say the same for my other housemates.
I am disgusted that I have to clean up after them. they leave hair and residue in the bath and bath plug, there was actually mold in it. They dont wash up properly, the sink is disgusting and visibly hasnt been cleaned in a long time, empty toilet rolls all over the window sill. Theyve been leaving bits in pans and on utensils. When I knocked on their door they ignored me when I spoke to them when they were in the kitchen mentioning I had to clean up after them they stared at me.
I recieve the same amount of money as them to pay for food and drink yet they buy crap with theirs and have slowly started asking to use what I have in. They have been trying to get me to feel sorry for them. They also didnt pay me for the milk they asked me to buy. They leave the bathroom door ajar and unlocked when using the toilet and walk around with their belt and pants undone and stomach hanging out. I feel them slowly pushing invisible boundaries. Ive been here less than a day. The workers are off until a week into january and I'm unsure if this counts as an emergency which is the only thing theyre contacable for until then but I dont feel comfortable or safe.

OP posts:
Mydogatemypurse · 22/12/2022 23:21

Why dont you feel safe?

Original poster
refuge123 · 22/12/2022 23:23

Mydogatemypurse · 22/12/2022 23:21

Why dont you feel safe?

Sorry but would you in these circumstances

OP posts:
ladydimitrescu · 22/12/2022 23:24

Less than a day?? Your post makes it sound like months this has gone on.
Why don't you feel safe?
I don't think this is classed as emergency, no.

purpleme12 · 22/12/2022 23:25

Have you really been there less than a day?

Mydogatemypurse · 22/12/2022 23:26

refuge123 · 22/12/2022 23:23

Sorry but would you in these circumstances

Show quote history

No. It sounds less than ideal, but its only been a day and im guessing you are anxious and frightened anyway. But are you actually unsafe there? If so its an emergency. If you are safe but its not nice, is it at least safer than what you fled from?

NRCOA · 22/12/2022 23:26

This post makes no sense.

TheMightyOak · 22/12/2022 23:27

Ive been here less than a day.

That makes no sense then Confused

CheeseyOnionPie · 22/12/2022 23:27

Sorry to hear this OP - living with inconsiderate people who are old enough to know better is awful. What’s the situation with plates and pots etc? Are you in a position to have your own things, use them and wash them up then store in your room?

LockdownLisa · 22/12/2022 23:28

'I recieve the same amount of money as them to pay for food and drink yet they buy crap with theirs and have slowly started asking to use what I have in.'

Slowly started? Over the course of a day?

supersonicginandtonic · 22/12/2022 23:28

If you're in a womens shelter I'm presuming you and all the other women are there because you've all suffered some sort of trauma.
All people deal with this trauma differently. They will most likely have associated mental health issues, such as depression and anxiety. They're probably doing the best they can.

Mydogatemypurse · 22/12/2022 23:29

The other women there are prob not in a good way either and as gross as it is the toilet rolls etc may not be thier priority. I do think it needs to be dealt with. But i think right now safety is a priority for all residents.

TheMightyOak · 22/12/2022 23:29

I'm respectful and do my share of housekeeping however I cant say the same for my other housemates

In less than a day?

NRCOA · 22/12/2022 23:30

Maybe they meant less than a week?

TheMightyOak · 22/12/2022 23:30

Anyway I think you'll have to give it longer than a day. Give it time it may get better.

Testina · 22/12/2022 23:32

Firstly, I’m sorry that you have reason to be in a refuge.

I think you need to retreat into your own space for a bit. I think there’s a mistake about you being there for a day, as it doesn’t fit with other things you’ve said. But, if you’re still a recent arrival, don’t clean up after people and don’t start knocking on doors or stopping people in the kitchen to say you’ve cleaned their mess. Be a bit more private, keep your distance.

Stompythedinosaur · 22/12/2022 23:32

You've only just got there, you need to give it time. Moving to a refuge is uncomfortable and the facilities are not perfect. Living with others has its difficulties.

Don't buy things for people again. There's nothing you describe that makes me thing you're unsafe.

Original poster
refuge123 · 22/12/2022 23:34

CheeseyOnionPie · 22/12/2022 23:27

Sorry to hear this OP - living with inconsiderate people who are old enough to know better is awful. What’s the situation with plates and pots etc? Are you in a position to have your own things, use them and wash them up then store in your room?

The things were bought by the refuge and available for the people staying in the flat to use. I would need to apply for a grant to pay for things like that. Cant yet as UC appointment is in a weeks time.

OP posts:
FlissyPaps · 22/12/2022 23:35

Sorry you’re in that position OP❤

I would feel uncomfortable too.

Is there a lock on your door? If so, keep it locked. Keep all your belongings in there too.

Regarding the cleanliness, your under no obligation to be the housekeeper/cleaner. It must be awful cooking, eating and showering in dirt. But just think, this won’t be forever. Just put up with it for the time being.

Don’t tread on anyones toes. Remember you’re sharing space with some very vulnerable women. If they’ve fled abuse and trauma then normal living and personal hygiene will be at the bottom of their priorities right now. You may have a lot in common with these women. Have you tried speaking to them about your experiences?

Can you contact Womensaid for advice if you genuinely feel your safety is at risk? Or any family/friends you can contact at all?

Cornelious · 22/12/2022 23:37

The things you sound are annoying but tbh it's their home, albeit a shared one. I often leave dirty plates in the sink and forget to change the loo roll. You've only been there a day , how do you know so much about other peoples lives/ finances?
Nothing of what you've said sounds an unsafe environment.

Original poster
refuge123 · 22/12/2022 23:38

I was abused and fled from it but still dont disrespect other people and neglect hygiene and if theyre going to be disrespectful to house mates they shouldnt be living in a shared flat.

OP posts:
NewBootsAndRanty · 22/12/2022 23:39

Christ.

Coffeellama · 22/12/2022 23:45

refuge123 · 22/12/2022 23:38

I was abused and fled from it but still dont disrespect other people and neglect hygiene and if theyre going to be disrespectful to house mates they shouldnt be living in a shared flat.

They have every bit as much right to be there as you do, regardless of personal hygiene. You have no right to be so judgemental over this women.

Sorry you are having a hard time but if this is real you are absolutely BU. Especially after less than a day.

Original poster
refuge123 · 22/12/2022 23:48

Coffeellama · 22/12/2022 23:45

They have every bit as much right to be there as you do, regardless of personal hygiene. You have no right to be so judgemental over this women.

Sorry you are having a hard time but if this is real you are absolutely BU. Especially after less than a day.

Show quote history

Even though it is uncomfortable I dont wish upon you or anyone what I'm going through.
I can appreciate they are going through a difficult time but that doesnt give them the right to behave towards other people in certain ways.

OP posts:
AnnieSnap · 22/12/2022 23:48

There is a big difference between feeling uncomfortable and being unsafe. You haven’t said anything that suggests you are unsafe. As a previous poster said, there is a good chance that some other residents are suffering from mental health problems, including depression, anxiety, even PTSD. Where that is the case there is often little motivation for tidiness, self care, even cleanliness. This is a stop gap in your life, not your long-term future. You need to keep to your own space as much as possible if these issues bother you so much and perhaps try to have some empathy for the other residents, some of whom may have been through even worse trauma that you have.

FlissyPaps · 22/12/2022 23:50

refuge123 · 22/12/2022 23:38

I was abused and fled from it but still dont disrespect other people and neglect hygiene and if theyre going to be disrespectful to house mates they shouldnt be living in a shared flat.

Unfortunately it’s not up to you to dictate who can and can’t live there. Stop this now.

All that matters is that you are safe from the abuse you have suffered. I am truly sorry for what you must have endured, I can’t imagine what it’s like. BUT, you have to accept your living situation for the time being.

It’s unfair to assume these women are disrespectful. You have no idea what they have been through. Like they don’t know what you have been through. No two tales are the same.

Have some empathy for the vulnerable women you’re sharing a space with, and maybe they will show some respect and kindness back.