Hi, I’m wondering if any of you could help me wrap my head around this and how I should move forward please. I will try to give you as much relevant info as possible so as not to drip feed - I am so sorry if this is lengthy. Please bear with me and do please comment if you feel you can help me with your perspective.
Earlier today I took a call from my DM in regards to Xmas dinner.
She’s a difficult woman who I am in low contact with and often try to keep the conversations short. She’s aware my DH and 3 DC’s are in a predicament at the moment regarding finances and housing due to the landlord putting the rent up an extra £300pm and my current work placement ended 3 weeks ago and so we are currently relying solely on DH’s wage which just does not even come close to covering necessary expenses never mind the extra cost of Xmas. She was ‘dangling the carrot’ of saying how much money she has (inheritance and hefty divorce settlement from her second husband) and how if she was well enough she would drive me to the supermarket and put it on her credit card for me to pay off in monthly installments. I remained quiet throughout her monologue of her illnesses and financial status until she said that her car may be due for the garage in a couple of months and that she wants to be certain that I would pay for this if she needed me to. I asked her to clarify what she meant by this and she stated that she’s too poorly to help me out (her gallbladder is playing up), but as she has offered she wants to know if I will help her out in a couple of months if she needed it as she’s certain I will definitely have a new job by then (of which I agree I will be working again soon - I don’t care what as long as my family are kept afloat).
I told her I wasn’t getting into hypothetical mind games of which she called me a ‘selfish git’ and I told her ‘not today, thank you’ and put the phone down. This conversation irked me, but did not put me in a bad mood. On a scale of horrid things she’s said and done this a 1 out of 10.
Here’s where my problem lies. 30 minutes after this conversation came to an end my DH nipped in on his lunch ( he often does as he works in and around our area ) My phone was a flurry with abusive text messages from my DM (I’m financially incompetent, I’m too sensitive, she’s only like she is with me because she loves me yadda yadda yadda). My husband asks if it’s my DM by any chance as she’s rang him up (she loves a good old bit of triangulation). He asks me to tell him my side of the story. My eldest DS (18) who heard the whole thing (I take all calls on loud speaker at home so I can continue with whatever chores I’m doing when the calls come through and she had caught me in the middle of changing bedding) decided to ‘stand up for me’ and explain exactly what he had heard and that his nan was the one shouting and calling names by the end and that I didn’t engage with her and ended the call. My DH told him to shut up and that I can defend myself. I confirmed what DS had said and told him the contents of the text messages that were coming through and asked him why he asked me what my side was as it felt he was being oppositional to me and DS. He told me what she’d said to him (I’m cruel, selfish, she’s only trying to help us) and I said everything DS has told you is true, he was witness. I have nothing to justify to anybody. He let the conversation go and went to get himself a drink. I finished off what I was doing and came down to ask him if he could drop me off at the shops on his way back into work so I could pick up some milk and bread and some pasta for tea. He agreed. When we were belted up in the car (I was sat beside him) he grabbed my knee and forcefully shook it side to side. I have no idea why. He does do rough physical things like this sometimes. I asked him to ‘please not do that’. I did not shout. I was not off. I simply asked him not to do it. So he grabbed my leg again but this time shook it violently hard hurting my groin when I tried to pull my leg back. He stopped when I raised my voice and said ‘why are doing it harder when I’ve asked you not to?!’ I was upset and scared at the confrontation ( I’m only just truly starting to speak up for myself and keep boundaries and it’s hard but I will not bounce out on myself anymore) so I didn’t look at him but kept my eyes on the dashboard. With such contempt in his voice he told me he was only playing and put his hand close to the side of my face without touching me and told me to fuck myself. I asked him if he’d just put his middle finger up at my face to which he
replied ‘yeah, I fucking did’ and did it again to prove his point and reiterated that I can fuck myself. I rode in silence for a couple of minutes until he decided he was going to chirpily chat about other things as if nothing had happened. Sensing I was upset (obviously!) he said ‘oh you gonna be like that for the rest of the day?’ And I said ‘yes,you need to say you’re sorry’. He was infuriated and demanded to know why. I said for being unkind and being disrespectful to me. He told me he wasn’t fucking sorry, he’s got nothing to say sorry for and I can fuck off. I got out of the car at the shop and he went back to work.
He’s tried to be chirpy on and off again since coming in from work this evening. He has constantly kept trying to boop my nose and give me kisses. I haven’t engaged in his behaviour but neither have I ignored him as I hate stonewalling. For the past 3 hours he’s took himself off and sulked in our bedroom.
Am I too sensitive? Or what? What’s going on here?
Please can anyone advise me how I should move forward? My head and heart are struggling with everything I’ve described above that’s going off in my life right now. Thank you to any of you that give your time to help.