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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU Santa and teenager with learning disabilities

57 replies

berryfull · 22/12/2022 13:13

Apologies, but there’s no traffic in the SN section. Hoping to find some parents of SN teenagers !

My son is 13 and has moderate learning disabilities. The closer it’s getting to Christmas the more anger and meltdowns we’re seeing about Santa. He apparently still believes but I’ve occasionally thought he showed signs of not (for example earlier in the month asking me directly for what presents he wanted).

He’s at high school (albeit in a specialist base) so I presume he’s encountering people who don’t believe in Santa. For years I’ve taken a very relaxed attitude to the Santa thing, I don’t talk about it unless he brings it up, I don’t lie and encourage him
to believe. I drop lots of hints that it’s actually your parents without actually saying. I encourage and help him to buy and make for others and say he’s being a” a Santa”.

He does get presents and stocking still but I don’t ever make a big thing of them or out and outright lie. I just let him lead and silently smile. I’ve been hoping the realisation would just happen naturally and gradually , albeit at a later age because of his LD.

Today he’s suddenly panicking and desperate for me to write a letter to Santa for him and post it for him, filled with the stuff he got from Santa in previous years. We used to do this when he was little. He can’t write himself so he wants me to write it. He wants to ask for toys he’s outgrown and has loads of already.

I’m just saying don’t worry darling, I’m sure your Santa loves you and knows what you want and your Christmas will be wonderful. And staying calm . But I don’t want to write and post a letter with a 13 year old and then have to buy the childish stuff in the letter that he doesn’t need/won’t play with.

But because I won’t write a letter for him he’s very angry, rampaging around the house. It feels like there’s some processing going on, I’m not sure how to handle it. There’s lots of aggression and anger and screaming at me . I don’t want to give in and say ok I’ll write your letter and let’s post it. Neither do I want to tell him it’s all not true. At the moment I’m doing neither and trying to distract him and comfort him.

Can anyone relate? Anyone have any advice/ experience?

OP posts:
JoyBeorge · 22/12/2022 13:21

No specific advice but I think in general this Santa stuff needs to stop. We can't tell children off for making things up if we are filling their heads with this rubbish to control them from toddlers because they won't get any presents if they aren't good. The reason it sounds your child if now confused is because there's a conflict for him. You've not actively lead him to believe in it but he is mixing with other children who do, and will be teased by the ones who know it's a load of old tosh. I really wish parents would think before they re live their own childhood fantasies out through their own kids.

Reaadropofgoldensun · 22/12/2022 13:27

Why won't you write the letter? Do you really want to tell him about Santa days before Christmas. I would let it go this year but maybe bring up about Santa in Sept, or if you think that's to long then in January. Maybe explain that you will write the letter but you can't guarantee what Santa will bring because it's so close to Christmas day. Then tell him but your sure that he will get wonderful presents.
Believe me I know it's tough seeing your big teenage son still maybe believing but with his learning disability, intellectually he is at a much younger level.

SnarkyBag · 22/12/2022 13:28

It’s a tough one and I understand why you’ve taken the approach you have but you have also led him into a sort of place of complete uncertainty which is likely creating this anxiety and anger.

of course he’s angry you won’t write the letter because he doesn’t know why and you’re not telling him. You either need to tell him and handle the fall out whilst he processes it or you need to write the letter and then next year around spring/summer tell him Santa isn’t real.

my youngest has ASD and we decided to tell him at a time of year that when Christmas wasn’t really on his radar and so was not so emotionally loaded.

Ponoka7 · 22/12/2022 13:30

Write the letter, see how he is in summer and decide if to tell him then.

Quitelikeit · 22/12/2022 13:30

I would write the letter. Doing so will comfort him and make him feel safe.

does it matter if other kids say Santa isn’t real? Some will say so and some will say they still believe

my kids are at an age where they know he doesn’t exist but I still deny it and say if you ‘believe’ you get more gifts

however if you really don’t want him to believe then I think you need to tell him outright and then if he wants to do the letter just do it

DarkKarmaIlama · 22/12/2022 13:33

I think it’s too late now to tell him about Santa. I work in a secondary special and this would be my advice. Write the letter, perhaps buy one or two presents on the list.

This summer tell him santa is not real so he will have plenty of time to process. Good luck and I hope he settles soon.

DucklingDaisy · 22/12/2022 13:34

Quitelikeit · 22/12/2022 13:30

I would write the letter. Doing so will comfort him and make him feel safe.

does it matter if other kids say Santa isn’t real? Some will say so and some will say they still believe

my kids are at an age where they know he doesn’t exist but I still deny it and say if you ‘believe’ you get more gifts

however if you really don’t want him to believe then I think you need to tell him outright and then if he wants to do the letter just do it

Why do you deny it and say you get more gifts if you believe?

OP, in his eyes you're refusing to help him do something important that he has no way of doing himself and depends on you for, and you've offered no explanation for why. Of course he's angry and frustrated, poor kid. You've got to either bite the bullet and explain or write the letter.

onionringcheeseypuff · 22/12/2022 13:41

When he's ready to talk, offer to write a letter thanking Santa for all the nice toys he was given when younger and say he hopes he will give these to other children this year?

But ds would like this year...and write NEW things because Santa doesn't bring things he's brought before?

MrsToothyBitch · 22/12/2022 13:43

I'd write the letter now with the caveat that it's very near Christmas for "his Santa" to organise and see if there may be one or two things on the list I could get easily. It's v near Christmas to blow it wide open. Actually; is he possibly testing Santa?

Then I'd tell him in the spring.

Prinnny · 22/12/2022 13:43

Aw just do the letter with him! But I would say ‘people will have already bought all their gifts so you might not get what’s on your list as it’s only two days until Xmas‘ I would also downplay any inappropriate gifts and encourage what I’ve actually bought.

ErickBroch · 22/12/2022 13:55

Write the letter and help suggest to him some more age appropriate gifts? Or maybe to move away from specifics and say he is looking fw to any gifts he gets.

Quitelikeit · 22/12/2022 14:04

I say that because they’re my children and they know it’s tongue in cheek

i hope that explains it for you as we try not to take things tooooo seriously in this house………..

Original poster
berryfull · 22/12/2022 14:13

DucklingDaisy · 22/12/2022 13:34

Why do you deny it and say you get more gifts if you believe?

OP, in his eyes you're refusing to help him do something important that he has no way of doing himself and depends on you for, and you've offered no explanation for why. Of course he's angry and frustrated, poor kid. You've got to either bite the bullet and explain or write the letter.

Show quote history

See duckling daisy this is what I’m worried about, that I’m not writing the letter for him I’m being mean.

but then it also feels that if I do write the letter with him I’m actually lying and telling him Santa exists, which I haven’t actually ever done since he was really little. I’ve tried very hard to never actually lie and encourage the lie, I just let it come from him. He hasn’t sent a letter in years!

we did all the Santa stuff when he was little obviously. As we all do… but the last 5 years or so I’ve not been encouraging it. oh what a tangled web we weave etc..,

It feels now like I’ve maybe been too subtle/nuanced for him and his cognitive ability. Maybe I will need to actually outright tell him. I’m so surprised that he’s crying over wanting to write to Santa for rescuebots. Earlier in the month he was all “mum can I have a laptop” . Good advice to do it in the spring.

OP posts:
Excited101 · 22/12/2022 14:14

I would very much wonder if he’s ‘testing’ you (and Father Christmas) with this. It sounds that there’s plenty of doubt.

id perhaps use this opportunity to gently solidify some of his doubts. Timing isn’t ideal, but neither is his angst. That doesn’t mean don’t write the letter though, perhaps there’s a way of writing a thank you letter for all those toys? Or a reminder letter for what he’s already asked for? He shouldn’t be penalised for not being able to write himself, many children write all sorts of nonsense privately, he should be allowed that same outlet. Can he draw or type? That might help.

Excited101 · 22/12/2022 14:14

I’m assuming he knows you don’t get everything from your list anyway?

Original poster
berryfull · 22/12/2022 14:20

Excited101 · 22/12/2022 14:14

I would very much wonder if he’s ‘testing’ you (and Father Christmas) with this. It sounds that there’s plenty of doubt.

id perhaps use this opportunity to gently solidify some of his doubts. Timing isn’t ideal, but neither is his angst. That doesn’t mean don’t write the letter though, perhaps there’s a way of writing a thank you letter for all those toys? Or a reminder letter for what he’s already asked for? He shouldn’t be penalised for not being able to write himself, many children write all sorts of nonsense privately, he should be allowed that same outlet. Can he draw or type? That might help.

at school he often uses his iPad to record his voice instead of writing. I did suggest he did that for his letter, but he wasn’t keen.

maybe I’ll pursue it a little bit more, help him make a speaking book about it. Might do him good to get some of the thoughts out. Thanks for the ideas.

I do think there’s doubt and processing going on. He’s a confusing child as sometimes he’s like a toddler and sometimes he’s relatively mature.

OP posts:
Excited101 · 22/12/2022 14:26

Parenting/caring for teenagers with learning difficulties can be a really really tricky path to navigate.

I wonder if a social story would help him? Would an approach such as

‘when children are very little we tell them a magical story about Father Christmas who brings them presents, it’s lovely as they get older and find out that they can join in with their parents and give presents to younger siblings and friends so they can enjoy the story of Father Christmas too. The character of Father Christmas is based on a man who was actually real called Saint Nicolas, who lived hundreds of years ago.’

You could even add in a bit about ‘teenagers and adults might wish to write their own lists for fun, and give them to someone who often buys them presents’.

I don’t know- it might be too direct for him, or it might be just what’s needed. Only you know your son- it’s very difficult for anyone on here to advise without knowing him.

Samcro · 22/12/2022 14:31

my dd is an adult now and has CP and lds. they don't belive in FC, but still enjoy the "he's watching you" type stuff.
I would write the letter, tbh just for an easier life, but see if I could do it without a list, more of a FC don't forget me.

babysharksb1tch · 22/12/2022 14:33

Autism mama here. Do you think he's processing something? The change in routine now that it's Christmas? Wanting to write to Santa for gifts as that's what he's done in the past, seeking comfort in repetition? To me this sounds based in anxiety and control, but you'll know your boy best.

babysharksb1tch · 22/12/2022 14:35

Sorry OP; just to add. I'd also write the bloody letter and seethe about it for the rest of the day. But I'm soft and would do anything for a stress free life.

Reaadropofgoldensun · 22/12/2022 14:40

Actually babyshark brought up a good point, has he asked for a letter in the past? If this is his first time, maybe you can reassure him by saying that he never did it before ( or not in a long time) and he always got lovely presents. Something may have spooked him about Christmas and Santa not coming, so reassure him that Christmas day will be as special as always and he will get lovely presents

Toomanysquishmallows · 22/12/2022 14:42

Slightly different, but I’ve got a 13 year old with autism and she has asked for things like polly pocket for Christmas. She has completely outgrown polly pocket , but she asks for the same things each year out of habit . I feel for you .

Pixiedust1234 · 22/12/2022 14:49

Write the letter but warn him that the letter probably won't reach Santa in time as Santa is very very busy right now but you are willing to try. Then its up to you if you buy just one gift off the list to continue the pretence or go with the theme of having to rely on humans (postal service) to get the letter to Santa in time, and it was obviously too late.

Deal with the does santa exist next September. He will be another year older.

StripyHorse · 22/12/2022 14:49

berryfull · 22/12/2022 14:20

at school he often uses his iPad to record his voice instead of writing. I did suggest he did that for his letter, but he wasn’t keen.

maybe I’ll pursue it a little bit more, help him make a speaking book about it. Might do him good to get some of the thoughts out. Thanks for the ideas.

I do think there’s doubt and processing going on. He’s a confusing child as sometimes he’s like a toddler and sometimes he’s relatively mature.

Show quote history

I saw 'Christmas Chronicles' for the first time the other day and the children were doing 'video letters'. Even if you don't want to watch the whole film, perhaps show him that clip to help reinforce your suggestion?

Apart from that I agree with PPs that spring / summer might be the time to broach it gently.

Pixiedust1234 · 22/12/2022 14:49

..and come to his own conclusions (posted too soon)