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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU Santa and teenager with learning disabilities

57 replies

berryfull · 22/12/2022 13:13

Apologies, but there’s no traffic in the SN section. Hoping to find some parents of SN teenagers !

My son is 13 and has moderate learning disabilities. The closer it’s getting to Christmas the more anger and meltdowns we’re seeing about Santa. He apparently still believes but I’ve occasionally thought he showed signs of not (for example earlier in the month asking me directly for what presents he wanted).

He’s at high school (albeit in a specialist base) so I presume he’s encountering people who don’t believe in Santa. For years I’ve taken a very relaxed attitude to the Santa thing, I don’t talk about it unless he brings it up, I don’t lie and encourage him
to believe. I drop lots of hints that it’s actually your parents without actually saying. I encourage and help him to buy and make for others and say he’s being a” a Santa”.

He does get presents and stocking still but I don’t ever make a big thing of them or out and outright lie. I just let him lead and silently smile. I’ve been hoping the realisation would just happen naturally and gradually , albeit at a later age because of his LD.

Today he’s suddenly panicking and desperate for me to write a letter to Santa for him and post it for him, filled with the stuff he got from Santa in previous years. We used to do this when he was little. He can’t write himself so he wants me to write it. He wants to ask for toys he’s outgrown and has loads of already.

I’m just saying don’t worry darling, I’m sure your Santa loves you and knows what you want and your Christmas will be wonderful. And staying calm . But I don’t want to write and post a letter with a 13 year old and then have to buy the childish stuff in the letter that he doesn’t need/won’t play with.

But because I won’t write a letter for him he’s very angry, rampaging around the house. It feels like there’s some processing going on, I’m not sure how to handle it. There’s lots of aggression and anger and screaming at me . I don’t want to give in and say ok I’ll write your letter and let’s post it. Neither do I want to tell him it’s all not true. At the moment I’m doing neither and trying to distract him and comfort him.

Can anyone relate? Anyone have any advice/ experience?

OP posts:
StripyHorse · 22/12/2022 14:50

*obviously if you are subscribed to Netflix or Prime (or whichever platform it is currently on).

MissMaple82 · 22/12/2022 14:50

JoyBeorge · 22/12/2022 13:21

No specific advice but I think in general this Santa stuff needs to stop. We can't tell children off for making things up if we are filling their heads with this rubbish to control them from toddlers because they won't get any presents if they aren't good. The reason it sounds your child if now confused is because there's a conflict for him. You've not actively lead him to believe in it but he is mixing with other children who do, and will be teased by the ones who know it's a load of old tosh. I really wish parents would think before they re live their own childhood fantasies out through their own kids.

Oh for fuck sake... what a joy you are. You sound utterly ridiculous and probably childless, hopefully!

JustKeepBuilding · 22/12/2022 14:53

berryfull · 22/12/2022 14:20

at school he often uses his iPad to record his voice instead of writing. I did suggest he did that for his letter, but he wasn’t keen.

maybe I’ll pursue it a little bit more, help him make a speaking book about it. Might do him good to get some of the thoughts out. Thanks for the ideas.

I do think there’s doubt and processing going on. He’s a confusing child as sometimes he’s like a toddler and sometimes he’s relatively mature.

Show quote history

Does DS have speech to text software?

eatdrinkandbemerry · 22/12/2022 14:56

My sons 18 and not quite as verbal but he thinks santas real . In your shoes I'd do a letter and post it without postage so nothing's costing 🤷‍♀️.
Christmas is already stressful for our kids so a little bit of picking my battles is what I recommend

Shatterproofisnotachallenge · 22/12/2022 15:24

Write the letter, tell him he can thank Santa for all the presents he’s had previously but only ask for one or two little things as it’s very close to Christmas and Santa is busy. Try to lead him towards things he already has wrapped up or easy things to buy/cheap items. If they are too young for him, does it matter? Maybe he’s stressed about Christmas and regressing a bit will make him feel good, maybe he will play with them, maybe he won’t. If you can afford it and can get them in time then definitely do it. If you can’t say things like “that’s a bit expensive for Santa” or “he might’ve already wrapped those up for all the younger children, how about a puzzle?” (Or whatever you know he’s already got to open). Maybe get him to ask for vague things like “Star Wars gifts” so you can find something in the pound shop or supermarket cheaply, even if it’s a stocking filler. Gently tell him at another time of your if you want to or let him realise for himself. I don’t know how much his LD affect him but I know young adults who still go to see Santa and believe, because their age isn’t really their age… it doesn’t matter. Maybe next year get him to help you “be Santa” for his cousins/siblings/whoever but now isn’t the time to have him stressed over the letter or the conversation! Good luck x

fenellavonspurtz · 22/12/2022 15:39

I would tell him Santa only visits children who are polite to their parents.

SnarkyBag · 22/12/2022 15:45

fenellavonspurtz · 22/12/2022 15:39

I would tell him Santa only visits children who are polite to their parents.

Helpful 🙄

gogohmm · 22/12/2022 15:49

Why don't you help him write a letter suggesting things you actually have bought eg how about xxxx instead of yyyy because you already have yyyy.

Original poster
berryfull · 22/12/2022 15:51

a social story is a good idea, I’m going to do one on his iPad around Christmas, emotions and growing up and leave a space for him to record his own message to Santa. Good idea. Thank you, this is all really helpful.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 22/12/2022 15:55

If he has previously wrote to Santa then filming something may confuse him even more as to how he would get it etc.

for this year I would go with writing a simple letter with him and then tackle things next year.

I wouldn’t worry too much about what he believes or doesn’t as long as he is happy. I know of a Man in his 50s who has Down syndrome and some associated LD, seeing how happy he was to see a local Santa sleigh come past a few years back was fantastic.

witchesbubblebath · 22/12/2022 15:55

No suggestions, but thought I'd say what a lovely mum you are.
I wish I'd had that when I was a child.

Original poster
berryfull · 22/12/2022 16:00

we’ve been doing the encouraging him to be santa thing for years now. I never talk about santa as though it’s real, haven’t done in 5 years or so. Because I feared making it too real for him and having to climb down from the lie. So I don’t want to say “it’s a bit late for santa” or things like that because then I’m saying santa exists. I genuinely have just been saying nothing really about santa for years now, I just don’t correct him . I just sort of go “oh really? That’s nice” and that kinda thing. So I don’t really want to start again now!

yes I’m unsure about how much his LD effects his understanding of this. More than I thought on todays showing

OP posts:
Original poster
berryfull · 22/12/2022 16:05

Toomanysquishmallows · 22/12/2022 14:42

Slightly different, but I’ve got a 13 year old with autism and she has asked for things like polly pocket for Christmas. She has completely outgrown polly pocket , but she asks for the same things each year out of habit . I feel for you .

That’s interesting. Yes all the presents he’s asked for today he’s had before.

OP posts:
Original poster
berryfull · 22/12/2022 16:06

Baby shark, I agree I think it’s anxiety. I’m going to do a social story about Christmas and emotions

OP posts:
Original poster
berryfull · 22/12/2022 16:07

witchesbubblebath · 22/12/2022 15:55

No suggestions, but thought I'd say what a lovely mum you are.
I wish I'd had that when I was a child.

Thank you that’s really nice of you to say x

OP posts:
Toomanysquishmallows · 22/12/2022 16:19

Berryful, I’ve bought a couple of cheap polly pockets , it’s tricky because she has outgrown a lot of things .But she has no interest in typical teenage gifts like clothes.

RedHelenB · 22/12/2022 16:23

Write they letter but steer the list to what you've got him.

givethistokevin · 22/12/2022 16:27

I would do the letter with him. He is upset and angry because it's important to him. It doesn't matter that he is 13 or what we think he should do, it matters that he wants to write a letter, so let him. Just steer towards not asking for specific things or maybe suggesting a couple of things you have for him to ask for.

Please don't send it but say it won't get there on time either, that's likely to cause more distress to him.

Social story etc I would work on for next Christmas, we are far to close to the day for it to be effective in calming him now.

boobybum · 22/12/2022 16:32

I can totally understand you being torn over this but I think that I would definitely write the letter with it being so close to Christmas. If he’s anything like my child I would assume that routines are a big deal and if he has always asked Santa in previous years then that’s what NEEDS to happen again. Perhaps you can talk about it some time next year and explain that now he is older he doesn’t need to write to Santa anymore but can just write a list for you instead. I understand that you don’t want to lie and say that Santa is real but maybe a white lie such as saying that there are so many children that once they get to a certain age parents take over dealing with any requests might help?

Loopyloooooo · 22/12/2022 16:41

fenellavonspurtz · 22/12/2022 15:39

I would tell him Santa only visits children who are polite to their parents.

Hahaha...there's always got to be one d!ckhead hasn't there 🤣.

OP you sounds like a lovely Mum and your DS sounds lovely too. Christmas is overwhelming at the best of times to a lot of neurotypical people so I do feels for people with learning disabilities navigating it all.

My LO with severe LDs is only 6 so I don't speak from experience...but my gut would say to go with the advice from others here...write the letter for now with lots of reminders we don't get everything on our list. Then at a non Christmassy time have a talk about the whole santa thing. Good luck, hope he is able to calm a bit bless him

FirstnameSuesecondnamePerb · 22/12/2022 16:42

He has probably realised that Santa doesn't exist and is struggling to express it.

Original poster
berryfull · 22/12/2022 17:20

FirstnameSuesecondnamePerb · 22/12/2022 16:42

He has probably realised that Santa doesn't exist and is struggling to express it.

Yes I wonder

well I wrote the letter but just in a scribing what he said way. I didn’t talk about Santa.

he put it in an envelope himself and when we went out he put it in his hat. Walked past two post boxes and then put it in one on the way home.

I’ve made him a social
story on his iPad .

OP posts:
pippinsleftleg · 22/12/2022 17:26

You sound like a wonderful mum OP

FirstnameSuesecondnamePerb · 22/12/2022 17:42

I'm sure you've done the right thing. There must be an added layer of frustration for him if he can't write the letter himself.
I hope you have a lovely holiday with your lad anyway it shakes out.

NandoReindeer · 22/12/2022 17:54

My 9 year old DD is autistic. She has relatively low support needs and isn’t especially ‘young’ for her age.

However, this year she asked for presents that are more appropriate for a 4 year old, role-play fake cleaning items (a brush and dustpan set as one) and a dolls tea-set. She didn’t role play when she was a young child so no idea why she wants these things now. But she was absolutely adamant about it and picked them out and she did not want anything else, just those.

I can’t figure out why but I wondered if it was something to do with what children ‘should’ have at Christmas or based on the sorts of things relatives would have given when young ( she did have a tea set at one point!) Maybe a kind of regression as Christmas is a stressful time in a way.

I think I know my DD well but she never fails to surprise me with unexpected and seemingly illogical or very dramatic reactions to things. She certainly keeps me on my toes 😂

Sometimes I figure it out afterwards as she has a therapist who understands a lot about autism and she can interpret the world through DD’s eyes a little more.

You’ll just have to go with it OP and hope it all blows over - and you can put off talking about Santa for a few months 🙈

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