To not give main Xmas presents?

[EmojiSadFace]

Hello Everyone,

So essentially just before we broke up for the school holidays, DS9 was permanently excluded from school. So next term he is basically going to be school-less, bearing in mind he was attending a specialist school for those with behaviour problems and learning difficulties.

He was diagnosed with ADHD and OCD a few years ago, but he shows that he can behave, it almost seems as if he misbehaves because he knows he can, and there are no consequences.

Now, I don’t know if anyone here can relate… because I find it very hard to deal with him and manage his behaviour.

Last incident was yesterday….

We went food shopping, he wanted a game for his current console, I said no and tried to explained to him that he only has to wait a few more days until Xmas.

He was not happy with this, which led to him refusing to get into the car.

Faced over an hour of verbal abuse from him, before he decided he was tired and went to sleep.

As always at the end of the day, he cried apologised and said that he doesn’t like being horrible to me because he loves me, and he doesn’t know why he does it.

I’m trying my utmost best, I always praise good behaviour, what makes it worst for me is that I do not have anyone that can relate to what I’m going through.

My circle of friends have very well behaved privately educated children, which was the plan for my son, but unfortunately it hasn’t worked out like that.

I have come to terms with it, and if I am honest I am very envious of my friends children. Am I wrong for feeling like this?

We were invited out to Winter Wonderland but skipped because his behaviour can be very unpredictable, and also for my own sanity.

My son can do whatever he wants to do, and I never punish him. But I want to start drawing the line now, he needs to learn that he can’t misbehave and still get rewarded.

For Christmas his three main presents which he asked for are an two expensive Lego sets & Steam Deck console. I have purchased all of them, AIBU for wanting to hold one of the gifts back?

Thank you for listening.

(I would appreciate if people couldn’t pass judgement, if there is anything I have missed and or anything you want to ask, please feel free; but please do it with a good heart)

I'm sorry OP this sounds really tough. Honestly I don't think witholding presents is the answer. It does sound like he has fairly deep rooted behavioural issues. Most 9 year olds, while they can play up, still want to please their parents/teachers etc. If you can afford private education I would plough as much money as possible into getting expert advice. When was he last assessed? Could there be other issues at play (ODD? PDA?) depending on what the exact issue is the parenting approach you take will need to be different. I don't think witholding presents after the event will make any difference and if anything will make things worse. If he has ADHD any consequence need to be stated clearly in advance and be immedate, otherwise you're just creating shame without implimenting behavioural change. He'll also need help regulating his emotions in the moment which it doesn't sound like he really can do at present.

I think avoiding outings is probably wise as that will put more pressure on all of you.

Withholding Christmas presents isn’t going to fix anything.

He’s spent the last 9 years getting away with anything and everything because you’ve set no consequences and now, this late in the game, you are trying to punish him (rather than discipline) for behaviour you’ve said is okay for 9 years.

@RegularNameChangerVersion21 RegularNameChangerVersion21

The last time he was assessed was around two years ago, I believe that being at the specialist school just made his behaviour worse.

It got to the stage where they were calling me at any least little thing to come and collect him, which I stopped doing in the end!

The reason for the permanent exclusion is that he kept fighting with the other pupils; which the school allowed to happen, the other child in question required medical treatment. My son is a very small and light 9 year old, they could have easily physically carried him away (sorry for the rant) but I am left with anger and blame towards the school.

They've literally left me with no other options for my child, so what are we suppose to do now?

I am going to seek expert advice after the Christmas holiday, but in the meanwhile my son is missing out on an education.

YellowTreeHouse
@YellowTreeHouse

Hello,

Thanks for taking out the time to reply, what do you suggest I do?

Does he really never get any consequences?

Why has he never been disciplined by you?

No, there’s never been any consequences or discipline. I’m a very weak parent, I find that I can only show my son love.

I am also a single parent so I don’t have anyone to step in and help me.

You are not showing him love by giving no boundaries and no discipline. That isn’t love.

You have allowed him to get to the stage where he has been excluded from school. You have allowed him to behave so poorly that people don’t want to be around him, and that’s going to last for the rest of his ice.

That is not love. It is not healthy. It is doing him such a disservice that he cannot cope in society.

I have come to terms with it, and if I am honest I am very envious of my friends children. Am I wrong for feeling like this?*

Absolutely not ! My dd is autistic and things can be very hard. I had a nice day for her planned yesterday and it just didn't happen because she went into full on meltdown and refused to get dressed. I'm so envious of friends who have NT children. I can't come to terms with it but I know I have to.

Loving a child must include showing them where the boundaries are and implementing consequences. You aren’t doing him any favours by letting him do/get what he wants. You need to start doing this now. It won’t be easy but you need to be consistent and don’t say anything that you’re not prepared to carry out.
If he’s a small and light 9 year old who you expect the teaching staff to be able to remove from a fighting situation, then you can get him out of a store and into the car if his behaviour is poor. You need to start first by explaining to him what you expect from him before you go out. Then you remind him when he misbehaves. If he carries on you remove him from the store, leaving the shopping behind if necessary - but I managed to get a protesting 6 year old out of Tesco once while pushing the trolley as well.
Im no expert on SEN, but I would read some good advice from support groups and work out a plan of behaviour management. You need to sort this out quickly before you have a 14 year old on your hands.

You need to put consequences in place (negative and positive), but they need to be immediate or at least the same day. What you are suggesting isn't that.

Also, having no consequences isn't showing love. It's setting him up for a really difficult and lonely life. Try to remember that when you are struggling to follow through. You may want to look for parenting classes that are specific to children with ADHD/ASD as it often requires a particular approach.

So your kid has zero consequences???? Wow! Seriously, sort this out now as you are contributing to his issues.

lollipoprainbow
@lollipoprainbow 🤗

Everydayimhuffling
@Everydayimhuffling

Yes, I intend to get help after the Christmas break, I do not want to live like this anymore.

Poppyblush
@Poppyblush

Correct, I don’t think you understand how difficult things are for me. For years, it’s been best for me to give and buy him what he wants, just for a quiet and easier life.

Your child has been failed by their specialist school that was unable to meet their needs and must feel confused and rejected. They need you to be their safe space in a world that is extremely difficult and confusing for neurodiverse children.

Please, please don't listen to the 'boundaries brigade'. Their advice comes from a place of being parents to compliant regular, neuro-typical children. The skills and instincts that you are developing to deal with your complex child are very different; love-bombing and being sensitive to their needs is a very good place to start.

Parenting is hard, harder with special needs kids, but I’m your life is hard anyway because of his behaviour. New year, new boundaries. It’s for his own good too.

OP that's so hard. ASD parent here.

But Xmas day isn't the day to start with boundaries, it really isn't.

And my advice would be to start small. That said I often give in to DS because life is easier. Where an NT child would stop asking after a while, a ND child KEEPS GOING and is relentless.

Hi OP, I’d ask for this to be moved to the SN Children section if I were you. You’ll get replies from parents who have more experience of your issues there.

You are blaming school for excluding him and not dealing with his behaviour yet you’ve never given him boundaries or consequences?

For years, it’s been best for me to give and buy him what he wants, just for a quiet and easier life.

But he’s your child. Don’t you care what’s best for him?

That sounds really tough, but I don't think the answer is to remove a Christmas present. You give Christmas presents because he's your son and you love him, not as a behaviour reward. Use Christmas day as a day for you both to enjoy (even though of course it won't be perfect - and that's fine!)

But I think if you say he doesn't face consequences ever that you do need to make sure that you apply discipline properly, albeit appropriately for his SEN. Work with him to help him understand why you expect certain behaviour, as well as what. Maybe try the SEN board here for strategies.

But make punishment small and immediate, rather than grand gestures. This will help him relate behaviour to consequences.

You also say he came to you and apologised. That is good! Can you have a talk where you gently question him about how he feels in these situations and why he then behaves how he does? To try and help him work out the things that push his buttons and how he can manage himself.

Say to him that this stuff is hard! We all have to learn to manage ourselves. Books that spoke to me about this struggle as a kid were Mallory Towers with Darrell and her temper and What Katy Did with Katy changing. These may not be the books that will speak to him, but are there any books/TV/films he's already consumed that might do this for him that you could talk about? It's important that he doesn't label himself as a bad person, but as a person who is working to grow like we all are.

Approach this as a problem you work together on, rather than bad child, punishing mum as much as possible. Although there does come a time as the adult when you need to put your foot down.

Happy Christmas!

TotteringByGenteely
@TotteringByGenteely

Thank you so much, this is only something that parents with a SN child will understand, hence why I can’t discuss this with my friends; those with well behaved children.

That's part of the issue. You can't go from zero to nuclear.

Consequences don't mean you do the love him or being ridiculously strict or ignoring his needs.

Keep them small,simple and preferably natural. He kicks off, you need to leave or you miss the train/show. He throws something and it's broken then it goes in the bin and that's that. He can use his own money or wait for bday/xmas to replace. Refuses to wear a coat, he can be cold. He hits you, you stay away from him until he calms down. He refuses to come off the ipad when you ask, he loses the ipad (or you install controls that turn it off after a set time). That sort of stuff. Of course these are very basic examples , if you give some specific ones I can advise further.

Thing you can do to preempt meltdowns. First of all, too many choices and freedom can be very unsettling and confusing for a child with SEN. So clear boundaries, clear plan for the day and structure. Now and next prompts so he always know what's coming. Now you are on your ipad, next you will brush your teeth kind if stuff. Repeated warnings and countdowns , we are leaving in 5 minutes, 3 minutes left, we are going in a minute. Choices limited to two options that you are happy with. Would you like toast or cereal? And just repeat those options.

Sounds silly, but sometimes ending a request with thank you rather than please helps, and it tricks the child into thinking that they already agreed to it, which is why you are thanking them.

Clear,broken down instructions. Rather than "clean your room" try "put your legos in this box". Lots of praise and then another clear specific instruction.

Highly praise the behaviour you want to see. Ignore unwanted behaviours unless dangerous or upsetting for others.

None of these are magic wands , but over time it should make your life and his easier. Sometimes, you'll just have to give him the space to feel what he feels and have his meltdown.

I suggest a parenting course to help you put into place rules, boundaries, and consequences. In my area, it is standard that you complete one during any diagnosis process.
There are ones specifically for children with additional needs.
Once the rules and consequences have been put in place, expect behaviour to get worse before it gets better. He will push against them to find out if you really mean what you are saying.

This is the problem, sadly.

Parenting isn’t supposed to be easy and quiet. Do the hard work of discipline. You’re only doing him a disservice if you don’t teach him how to be a pleasant member of society. You want people to like him and accept him, right?

Thank you too, I admit I don't give boundaries to my dd as it's often easier to give in to her demands. I'm a worn out single mum and life is bloody hard. People with NT kids just don't understand.