To not give main Xmas presents?

[EmojiSadFace]

Hello Everyone,

So essentially just before we broke up for the school holidays, DS9 was permanently excluded from school. So next term he is basically going to be school-less, bearing in mind he was attending a specialist school for those with behaviour problems and learning difficulties.

He was diagnosed with ADHD and OCD a few years ago, but he shows that he can behave, it almost seems as if he misbehaves because he knows he can, and there are no consequences.

Now, I don’t know if anyone here can relate… because I find it very hard to deal with him and manage his behaviour.

Last incident was yesterday….

We went food shopping, he wanted a game for his current console, I said no and tried to explained to him that he only has to wait a few more days until Xmas.

He was not happy with this, which led to him refusing to get into the car.

Faced over an hour of verbal abuse from him, before he decided he was tired and went to sleep.

As always at the end of the day, he cried apologised and said that he doesn’t like being horrible to me because he loves me, and he doesn’t know why he does it.

I’m trying my utmost best, I always praise good behaviour, what makes it worst for me is that I do not have anyone that can relate to what I’m going through.

My circle of friends have very well behaved privately educated children, which was the plan for my son, but unfortunately it hasn’t worked out like that.

I have come to terms with it, and if I am honest I am very envious of my friends children. Am I wrong for feeling like this?

We were invited out to Winter Wonderland but skipped because his behaviour can be very unpredictable, and also for my own sanity.

My son can do whatever he wants to do, and I never punish him. But I want to start drawing the line now, he needs to learn that he can’t misbehave and still get rewarded.

For Christmas his three main presents which he asked for are an two expensive Lego sets & Steam Deck console. I have purchased all of them, AIBU for wanting to hold one of the gifts back?

Thank you for listening.

(I would appreciate if people couldn’t pass judgement, if there is anything I have missed and or anything you want to ask, please feel free; but please do it with a good heart)

"My son can do whatever he wants to do, and I never punish him."

That was what ruined him. All children need disciplining and set boundaries. You need to start now. If he's badly behaved, take away him gaming device and phobe for the day and night. He will soon learn.

I don't agree with this. My ds has autism and attends an sen school that teaches children with really complex needs but also has high expectations of behaviour. They have simple rules and boundaries that are tailored to the children to ensure they are able to follow them, to help keep them safe.
It can be much more difficult and really hard work to put into place boundaries, especially when you are starting with a 9 Yr old who has never had any, but I think you would be doing him a disservice not to try.

Showing him love is giving him firm consistent boundaries that make him feel secure. You don't need anyone to step in you need to step up.

Big knee jerk consequences like withholding Christmas presents don't work. Little ones consistently are more effective.

Everyone parents differently and every child is different, this would have worked with ds; you will need to think carefully about your ds and how his adhd affects him, but the key is always consistency.

We went food shopping, he wanted a game for his current console, I said no and tried to explained to him that he only has to wait a few more days until Xmas. - You don't need to explain - he thinks it is then open to negotiation. A simple no/not today is enough. If you are in the habit of just buying him things in a shop when he asks I would suggest stop doing that as it leaves them confused why they sometimes get things and other times they don't.

He was not happy with this, which led to him refusing to get into the car. - Calmly in low voice - "Get into the car now or no computer tonight/event tomorrow/takeaway tonight". Don't overdue the punishment, make it something he values, and always make sure you follow through every time.
Faced over an hour of verbal abuse from him, before he decided he was tired and went to sleep. - Calmly, in a quiet voice say "Do not speak to me like that or it will be no computer for 2 nights, go to your room and calm down and we will talk about it when you are calm - I will not repeat myself" Then ignore, and if he continues then tell him he just lost the computer for 2 nights.

As always at the end of the day, he cried apologised and said that he doesn’t like being horrible to me because he loves me, and he doesn’t know why he does it. - If he is calm accept his apology, discuss and ask for ideas how you can both avoid it escalating in the future - acknowledge it is normal to feel disappointed when you can't get something your want, but that is no excuse for bad behaviour. Can he maybe go to his room until he feels calm/can he accept "not today" as an answer in the shop and wait until you are home to discuss when/how he can get the new game (Xmas, birthday, save his pocket money). Whatever the outcome of your discussion the consequence for the behaviour is still followed through with.

I think you should, but it should not be an action in isolation, but the start of his actions having consequences.

It's even more important to have clear rules and boundaries for a ND child than an NT one.
It won't be easy to start now but I suggest you research and look for a parenting course before he gets too much bigger

@Survey99

Great advice thank you, he has been well behaved at home today, except for at breakfast time. Didn’t want to eat his bagel because he believed that I used the same knife for the butter and crème-cheese (part of his OCD and also everything has to be spotless)

He has asked if we can go for a walk today, I said we can. Going for walks can be a big problem, if he had his own way we would stay out all day.

I try the advice given in this thread today.

@EmojiSadFace I’m sorry you are in this predicament. I don’t have a SN child but may I gently make one suggestion?

Most parents learn to set boundaries when their children are very young but you seem to have not done that. Perhaps a book on parenting toddlers might be a start followed by a parenting course? Something like 1-2-3 Magic is one that I know of. I don’t think you can start setting boundaries successfully until you have taken the baby steps in your own mind.

As above, asking Mumsnet to transfer this thread to www.mumsnet.com/talk/special_needs will result in better targeted replies.

I used to work in a residential setting for children with SEN, so I have just a small taste of the situation. It must be so hard.

Seeking advice on parenting children with ADHD is vital. The usual parenting strategies don't work.

Absolute consistency and the right kind of discipline are absolutely necessary. And that's going to make life harder work for you in the short term, particularly when you're on your own. But it'll be 100% worth it in the longer term.

@TheSandgroper

Thank you! very kind of you 🙂