Parent relying on homeopathy for traumatised child

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Name change for this post. I went to a work Christmas event yesterday and was seated next to a woman I had never met. Perhaps it was the Prosecco on arrival and the free bar, but she spent half the evening talking to me very intensely about her dreadful marriage to an abusive man who is now in prison for sexually assaulting their daughter. She talked about how damaged the daughter is, how she hasn't been to school for years and is getting no education, won't leave the house, suffers from dreadful anxiety all the time and is a suicide risk. It might have been the booze, but there was a disorderliness to the account that made it very hard work. She cut backwards and forwards in time, seemed to assume I knew things that I couldn't possibly know etc. My heart went out to her, I can't begin to imagine how nightmarish that would be. I don't know her, but my impression was that she wasn't well.

I asked her what help they were getting. She said they were using homeopathy. I thought she was joking and laughed and said I'd meant was the daughter receiving specialist support from trauma experts. The mother said that when this all came to light the girl was interviewed by the police and saw a couple of CAMHS specialists who wanted her to talk about what had happened to her and she hated it, so now they're relying on homeopathy. The girl texts the homeopath each week to say how she's feeling and the homeopath posts pills to be taken through the week. I then asked the mother what help she'd had and it was homeopathy and prayer. Not long after this she left in a hurry because the daughter had sent a message asking her to go home.

On the way out of the event later another woman came up to me and said she'd noticed I'd been talking to X all evening and said she hoped I was okay. She introduced herself as X's colleague and just said 'It's not easy, is it?' That was all. It's been on my mind ever since. Went to bed thinking about the daughter, woke up thinking about her. If anyone has any constructive thoughts I'd be pleased to hear them. Although the company we work for doesn't offer everyone health insurance, I know it has offered high-quality medical and psychological support when staff have needed it in the past. But obviously you have to want that support.

Not your business. Sad and awful for the DD, obviously, but not your place to get involved.
Chalk it up as a one-off encounter with a rather strange, drunk woman, with a strange, disturbing story, then don't think of it again.

She said she and her daughter don't want to talk about it to someone who might be able to help them. But she talked to me about it for nearly two hours.

You have to put this out of your mind. She's homed in on you because she's told her story to everyone else. It's more than likely she's known to the different agencies.

I suspect it was partially the alcohol talking. But if she doesn't want help there's nothing you can do. Perhaps just being there that once was the best kindness she can cope with right now. Talking and dealing are two different things, and she isn't ready for the latter yet

I just keep thinking of the daughter. Abusive father and a mother who... well, who knows. Poor love.

I am really concerned. A child who has suffered SA needs pysch intervention. It sounds like the mum needs it as well. Presumably she is in some kind of denial/in shock. The thing is, leaving this trauma untreated, which she definitely is, means that this stays with the daughter. She won't have the tools to deal with it later if/when she feels able to confront what has happened. People often fall apart when this happens. There are links to drugs of dependence and alcohol, early promiscuity and so on, for children with a history of trauma.

People usually find it hard to talk about child SA and are often unable to admit to themselves it even happened. This is why there are so many different kinds of therapy. For example, there is play therapy for children, which means that they don't have to directly speak about their trauma.

I don't know if there is anything you can do, OP. It smacks of neglect, even if unintentional, and I would personally consider reporting her to social services if the child is under 18. They will, at least, be able to refer both of them to further help.

Sorry to say this but the story may not be true. Your colleague sounds quite troubled. You could report what you heard to social services and let them figure out what to do. If the child isn't in school she ought to be on their radar ready.

So the daughter was abused by the father and is now being neglected by the mother. Do you have enough details to be able to call social services?

Sounds like the mother and daughter has been through a fucking terrible time and are doing what they can to get through each day/week.

The daughter doesn't want to talk about the abuse anymore, that is very common and as she gets older, it will probably change. Right now she needs to feel safe and in control. I hope they both find healing.

I have children with various needs.

I have been in the position of going through every medical thing I possibly could and it not helping so I resort to other ideas I find on the internet out of sheer frustration and wanting to help my children.

Some have worked, others not. Not everyone responds well to mainstream counselling etc.

I couldn't judge a parent for trying just about anything to help their child.

The Mother spoke to you, not the daughter. You can't force someone into counselling. My DD needed counseling after the death of her Dad, my DH, but after three years of her starting then refusing to go again and her hitting 16, there was nothing that I could do. For some of what's going on, a check in with someone and a placebo might be helping. You need to stop judging. Exactly what would you do? An LEA officer would have tried to get her back into education. Safeguarding procedures haven't been used (they often aren't, you'd be shocked at how little help their is for sexually abused children), she should have been under CP then vulnerable adult system. But the services just aren't there.

I’d contact social services. thus is a safeguarding issue.

So can anyone contact Social Services and report a concern? I'm fortunate enough never to have had contact with them. I'd assumed they only listened to professionals. Perhaps that's something to consider.

Apparently the school the girl used to attend is very academic and after initial concern about trying to find some way of accommodating her they have stopped contacting her or her mother. She's still on the roll and they're still getting money for her but the mother said that last year they were only in touch twice. She told me the name of the school. Could I contact them and say I have concerns about the wellbeing of the daughter. Do schools have safeguarding roles any more?

This is extremely concerning. The mother isn’t coping, and her long disclosure sounds like a cry for help. SS need to be involved to offer the right support before her daughter is lost to emotional damage.

Why am I concerned? If I was a badly traumatised child being cared for by a traumatised mother who may have MH or other issues, I would like to think that someone, somewhere was concerned. From what the mother said, it sounds as if the school and CAMHS has closed the file after being told they weren't needed.

I would have assumed the daughter is already on a radar somewhere? I have a teen girl who does not like to talk to therapists. You can’t get a teen to talk if they don’t want to (unfortunately). I think you are looking at this that she is having homeopathy instead of therapy - I suspect she is having homeopathy instead of nothing at all. People have different views of homeopathy but if this child is thinking it’s helping her than it’s helping her regardless of what others think.

I see your point. Wouldn't it be great if she could find something that she could accept and that really might work, apart from relying completely on the placebo effect?

Our local school has a dedicated safeguarding email which is regularly monitored. I won't go into too much detail but I had cause to be very concerned about a child I found in our village. The child told me which school they went to- so the next morning, I looked on their website under safeguarding and it was clearly detailed.

They called me within an hour of me emailing. They did ask, if I was able, to go into the school so they could formally note down what had happened, which I was happy to do. Of course, I will never know how they followed it up but she did say it would be part of a formal process.

I would report your concerns to the school, so you know that you have done what you can. And that's all you can do.

Trauma - especially on this scale - is something that is incredibly complex and everyone's path through it will be different.

Thank you, ForestofD. I'll do that. She mentioned the school — one of the local ones. I'll do that. At least I'll feel I've done something.

Do something about what though?

She has taken her daughter to the appropriate people for help. The daughter didn't engage and didn't want that help. It takes months or even years to get very limited help on the NHS anyway.

She has found something that does help her daughter, even if you don't agree with it.

What are you hoping to achieve exactly? She has tried her best and you're going to put additional trauma on a family already going through so much.

I have a daughter with PTSD. The services for children with trauma are slim to none, and she has struggled to engage with anything offered because they weren’t appropriate, suitable or helpful. Even if she’s been assessed by trauma specialists then that doesn’t mean the therapy required is either accessible or available. Maybe the mother is grasping at desperate measures, because that’s all she has left.

In my organisation I’d be expected to
flag that as a Safeguarding risk. Unlikely anything will come of it as they are swamped but I’m obliged to flag it to social services.

I work with students who frequently disclose issues at home and where they have U18 siblings we are obliged to act. Little is done but I’ve done what little I can.

The placebo effect is remarkably effective, apparently this is true even when you know you are benefitting from a placebo effect. This might be the stepping stone which makes another therapy available to her later.

"It might have been the booze, but there was a disorderliness to the account that made it very hard work. She cut backwards and forwards in time, seemed to assume I knew things that I couldn't possibly know etc"

These are actually pretty classic signs of ptsd. I'd imagine that both mother and daughter are desperately traumatised by what happened to them and mum may not be in the best place to help her daughter but it sounds like she is doing as much as she can in the midst of her own trauma. Children are similar to adults in that some find talking therapies difficult to engage with while others will find it really helps. The mum has obviously explored those options for her daughter but it's difficult to engage a young person who doesn't feel ready to engage in that type of support so she's tried any other avenue.

There's nothing you can do here, if the child isn't attending school, has engaged with police and camhs then social services will have made an assessment and will likely still be involved as well an education welfare officer. What exactly would you be reporting? I work in safeguarding and the mum has already linked the daughter in with all appropriate statutory bodies and has explored holistic therapies as another option which many traumatised survivors do as can be less intense and confronting than talking based therapy if they don't feel able to engage with that. Unless you're worried about mums drinking (which I don't think you could be having met once at a Christmas party) I don't see what you'd be raising as a concern that would meet social service threshold? What you're describing is the sad reality for many, many families affected by domestic abuse. My recommendation if it's sitting uneasy with you is to make a donation or do some fundraising for a domestic violence charity in your area so they can use it to help people in ways you can't.