MIL’s season depression draining me

[SassyPants87]

Sorry this is a long one and isn’t a MIL bashing session as normally I have a good relationship with my MIL.

MIL got diagnosed with seasonal depression last year (kind of) and was given anti depressants to take which she refused to take (it’s a cultural thing where that generation still thinks mental health is taboo). She would lose all her energy, not want to eat anything and believed there was something medically wrong with her and it wasn’t depression. The doctors conducted multiple tests and scans on her and there was nothing wrong with her and concluded it was depression. She still refused to take the tablets and come spring time she was better hence why we believe it’s seasonal.

Fast forward to this year and the same has happened again, she’s refusing to take the tablets, demanding tests from the doctors (which they have done) and still come to the conclusion it’s depression.

We bought her a lumie lamp which she refuses to use, still won’t take her tablets and won’t speak to a therapist at our suggestion.
Her husband and 2 DS (one being my DH) have just given up with her. I’ve really tried with her and make sure she’s still included in stuff but the negativity is just draining me.

I have a 2 year old and 4 week old and when my mum came to help me when my second child was born my MIL’s sister (who lives in the same city) called my husband and asked him if my mum would cook my MIL meals as she’s depressed and isn’t eating well and doesn’t have the energy to make food (for context my MIL has never worked she’s always been a SAHM but doesn’t do anything at all now as it’s just her and my FIL). I lost my rag! My mum had come to stay for the week to look after me, look after my toddler, cook and clean for us, there was no way I was asking her to look after my MIL too! So my husband said no.

I’ve then been told by my DH’s family that I should go to her house to visit her to cheer her up.

I’m lucky if I get to brush my teeth in the day never mind having to haul a toddler and new born to her house just to cheer her up when I’ve told her so many times she’s more than welcome to come over and spend time with the grandkids. She can drive or walk to my house.

My husband last week asked her is she wouldn’t mind cooking a meal for us once a week as we’ve just really been struggling and spending way too much money on endless takeouts to which she said no she doesn’t have the energy to cook anything.

We said fine and have never asked her since, however my father in law said she’s been cooking meals for the two of them at home anyway! My DH got so mad and just said right forget it we just won’t ask for help anymore.

AIBU to just feel fed up with her and not want to make the effort anymore? I’m trying to accommodate her mental health but honestly it’s exhausting and I just don’t even want to try anymore

Her depression is draining you because it means she can’t cook meals for you once a week and that’s exhausting for you?

@TheUndoing how is that the only thing you’ve taken from the post. We asked her if she shouldn’t mind and she said no she can’t even cook for herself which we said okay that’s absolutely fine. But my FIL said she has been cooking and actually cooking Indian food is the same whether you make it for one person or 10. So felt a bit taken aback by it especially as I’ve been trying to make an effort with her, invite her out for meals when me and DH go out, even cooked for her once or twice myself

Wouldn’t mind*

It's hard supporting someone with depression, but it's really hard if they won't engage with treatment. If your MIL isn't taking the medication she's been prescribed, isn't prepared to talk to a therapist, isn't prepared to try the lamp you bought her, then I think it's reasonable that you take a step back. That doesn't mean you don't care about her, but you can't take responsibility for her health.

I would be saying that even if you didn't have a newborn and a toddler, but my goodness, you've got plenty on your plate as it is! Hopefully you and DH are on the same page?

Hmmm… on one hand I know how exhausting it is to have a relative with depression, but you sound a bit drama queen about it. I’m sure it’s worse for her than it is for you.
Untreated SAD led to my brother developing psychotic behaviour earlier this year. He literally needed crisis mental health intervention, and 7 months later is still recovering and receiving treatment. It all started with SAD over the winter.

@MissyB1 is there anything that I should been doing that I haven’t? I’ve tried to be really supportive and even thought she’s refusing all treatment I’ve still tried to make sure I’ve checked in asked if she’s okay invited her out to things/ to our house. I am struggling with a newborn and toddler with DH often working away so I do feel like I am trying my best. But if there is anything you can suggest then please do let me know. I just feel like the way it’s going I want to take a step back as I can’t juggle everything

How much is your husband pulling his weight at home? I wouldn’t be asking MIL to cook a meal, I’d be expecting him to get his finger out.

you are exhausted, which is understandable. Looking after you should be his priority.

I wouldn’t be asking a woman with depression to be cooking meals for my family every week, no.

Otherwise, I’d be continuing to persuade her to take the anti-depressants.

What exactly is it about accommodating her mental health that is exhausting you and makes you want to stop doing?

*For yourself to help;could you and your husband do some batch cooking and freeze portions to defrost on the day you want them for dinner for yourselves and your older child?

As for your MIL;you mention your FIL;why can't he look after her and cook meals?

And she's been given antidepressants and a daylight lamp to help as well as the opportunity to speak to a professional about it;you cannot help someone who won't help themselves;there are times when some people thrive off the attention this gives them or they have health anxiety and have convinced themselves their physically Ill.

Well it is worth remembering she’s your DH’s mum so why is all the responsibility on you? He may work away a lot but that doesn’t stop him checking in on her. Be careful this isn’t being designated as “wife work”.
If I was you I would give her the occasional ring, send the odd text, and send pics of her grandkids. Just letting her know you are thinking about her really.

We asked for help with food out of a place of sheer exhaustion. Newborn has colic and will scream for hours on end daily. I can appreciate that maybe asking for a meal once a week might have been too much for her but as she was cooking them for herself and FIL anyway then chucking a few more of the same ingredients into the pan so we could have some too might be too much for someone I’m not sure?

I think the exhaustion is coming from the constant negativity from MIL, I know she has depression and I’m trying to be positive for her but it is difficult when someone is continually negative. And also the hounding from her family in particular sisters and nieces to go and see her and let her see the grandkids, I’ve said so many times she can come over, we live a 5 minute drive/25 minute walk away, even suggested the walk will do her good. It’s just more difficult for me to leave the house with the kids but she refuses to leave her house

There's a lot of gender cultural expectations at play, which makes things more difficult. Your FIL should be looking after his wife. If cooking etc is needed there's her husband. But it's very difficult to shake off cultural norms. I second that your DH and you should come up with a plan to manage your household. The baby months aren't long, use free nursery hours next year if you are entitled to them. It soon passes. In terms of your MIL, unfortunately she Ill at the busiest time of year and one plagued with sickness bugs, so there will be limits on what you can do. Just keep inviting her and if you can, visit her. I don't have a lot of patience with people who won't engage with treatment. I certainly wouldn't put myself out for them.

@howshouldibehave

How unreasonable to ask a woman who is so depressed she’s not caring for herself to cook meals for you???? I can’t believe your husband asked his mum to cook for the two of you!!! That’s the most unreasonable thing I can see in this thread!

Is your DH definitely doing all he could? Could he take the toddler of an evening and have his tea there, then bring back food? Are you breastfeeding? Could what you are eating be causing colic? I'd try to do a plan that would help you and her. Your DH needs to be heavily involved. You need to remind her sister etc that you are parenting alone, you aren't surrounded by extended family who would, cook, clean, shop and take your toddler.

@Ponoka7 exactly this!

You asked an ill person to start cooking for you? That isn’t on.

Get a slow cooker, cook twice as much and eat the same meal two days in a row.

In Indian, African and other cultures that would be the norm. Here in the NW, we'd go with a big pan of Scouse, Bolognese, chicken curry etc, regularly. In parts of the US neighbours take food daily.

I thought your post was going to be about it being draining because of all the worry about her well-being.

I'm confused though, you say that you were asked to cook for her because she doesn't have the energy to make food but then go on to say how mad your husband is because she won't just and cook for your family every week.

Depression is horrible for the family to manage, I have bouts of it on top of three long term chronic conditions and I'm so thankful that my husband and close family can see his hard it is and instead of increasing demands on me, help me with the ones I'm struggling with, my husband cooks for us, he will do the washing and he try to help me feel less shit.

I'm confused though, you said your mum was asked to help your mil because she's not got the energy to cook for herself but then go in to say how mad your husband is because she doesn't want to host and cook for you once a week but manages for herself and her husband.

Also you describe how hard it would be to "haul" your children round to cheer her up but you'd manage if she was cooking for you.

I can't believe your husband even thought asking to cook for his household every week to stop you spending money on takeaways when he knows she's unwell was even ok thing to do, never mind get bad at her when she said she doesn't have the energy. If her husband and other adult kid get pissed off with her too when she can't provide the help she wants then I feel really really sorry for her.

You sound like you're struggling to cope yourself and that's normal when you've just had a baby, does your husband do his share of the cooking or does he expect all the women in his life to do it for him, does he make sure you get rest?

I get if she needs extra things from you that can she do herself that is up to her to sort, but no she does not have to cook for you once a week, it is up to you and your husband to manage your own family and the children you chose to have

But far out your mum does not have to cook for her either

In Indian, African and other cultures that would be the norm. Here in the NW, we'd go with a big pan of Scouse, Bolognese, chicken curry etc, regularly. In parts of the US neighbours take food daily.

Family making food for each other may be normal in many places. I’m not sure that actually expecting unwell family members to cook for you and then being mad when they refuse is though.

I would carry on inviting her round-she can choose to come or not come. Can FIL bring her?

If any family members tell you that you should take the kids round there, say that you have just had a newborn and DH works away which makes things really difficult, but that she’s always welcome to visit. Your DH can take the kids round when he’s at home.

How many meals do your DH or FIL cook?

Sounds like your MILs life has revolved around serving others. Now she's ill, your FIL won't cook and her DS gets annoyed that she can't commit to cooking once a week.

Your comment about her chucking in a few extra ingredients to make you meals could equally be used for you and your DH - why not chuck in a few extra ingredients when you make a meal so you can have the same again the next day or freeze for a later date?

I can see how it's annoying that she's not taking the help. But i cant see how its draining you, other than you wanted her yo help you and she can't.

If she wants to see DC, your FIL can bring her over. Your DH could take the toddler to see her while you rest with the newborn.

Are you from the same cultural background? Seems you are expecting more of MIL than the men ofthe family. Were you brought up this way or has it seeped in from the way the men treat her and women generally?

Another one sitting here baffled that you’re asking her to cook meals for you. Also baffled that you had your mum down slaving away for a week for you both as well.

It’s a bit strange. I understand the exhaustion but there’s two of you- it really shouldn’t be that bad. Buy some frozen pizzas and fire them in the oven for 10 mins if it’s that bad?

If she doesn’t take her medication then it’s ultimately on her but it sounds like you’re more annoyed she isn’t doing stuff to “help” you rather than anything else.

Very strange thread.

I have seasonal affective disorder and general anxiety disorder myself but I can completely relate to being frustrated when people in your life have mental health and don’t help themselves by taking their treatment. It can be very draining. Mental health can take its toll on not just the person suffering but those around them.

I will be honest it sounds like you, DH, MIL and FIL could all try and make a bit more effort for each other. It sounds a bit like you and MIL are both digging your heels in about who should visit who. I sympathise with both of you but I think a compromise needs to be made. The same with the cooking, you didn’t want your DM to make MIL food but then ask MIL to cook you a meal a week then are upset when she says no to you. I hope you get what I’m saying, you just all sound like you don’t want to help each other.

Could you not bring kids over to MIL and FIL for a few hours for lunch? They’ll be fussing with the kids and you have a bit of a relax. Maybe the kids will cheer her up and you get a bit of time to yourself - win win?