MIL’s season depression draining me

[SassyPants87]

Sorry this is a long one and isn’t a MIL bashing session as normally I have a good relationship with my MIL.

MIL got diagnosed with seasonal depression last year (kind of) and was given anti depressants to take which she refused to take (it’s a cultural thing where that generation still thinks mental health is taboo). She would lose all her energy, not want to eat anything and believed there was something medically wrong with her and it wasn’t depression. The doctors conducted multiple tests and scans on her and there was nothing wrong with her and concluded it was depression. She still refused to take the tablets and come spring time she was better hence why we believe it’s seasonal.

Fast forward to this year and the same has happened again, she’s refusing to take the tablets, demanding tests from the doctors (which they have done) and still come to the conclusion it’s depression.

We bought her a lumie lamp which she refuses to use, still won’t take her tablets and won’t speak to a therapist at our suggestion.
Her husband and 2 DS (one being my DH) have just given up with her. I’ve really tried with her and make sure she’s still included in stuff but the negativity is just draining me.

I have a 2 year old and 4 week old and when my mum came to help me when my second child was born my MIL’s sister (who lives in the same city) called my husband and asked him if my mum would cook my MIL meals as she’s depressed and isn’t eating well and doesn’t have the energy to make food (for context my MIL has never worked she’s always been a SAHM but doesn’t do anything at all now as it’s just her and my FIL). I lost my rag! My mum had come to stay for the week to look after me, look after my toddler, cook and clean for us, there was no way I was asking her to look after my MIL too! So my husband said no.

I’ve then been told by my DH’s family that I should go to her house to visit her to cheer her up.

I’m lucky if I get to brush my teeth in the day never mind having to haul a toddler and new born to her house just to cheer her up when I’ve told her so many times she’s more than welcome to come over and spend time with the grandkids. She can drive or walk to my house.

My husband last week asked her is she wouldn’t mind cooking a meal for us once a week as we’ve just really been struggling and spending way too much money on endless takeouts to which she said no she doesn’t have the energy to cook anything.

We said fine and have never asked her since, however my father in law said she’s been cooking meals for the two of them at home anyway! My DH got so mad and just said right forget it we just won’t ask for help anymore.

AIBU to just feel fed up with her and not want to make the effort anymore? I’m trying to accommodate her mental health but honestly it’s exhausting and I just don’t even want to try anymore

My AIBU is about me feeling like I want to take a step back. It’s not about the cooking, once she said no we left it and have never asked her again.
There is a big cultural element that I didn’t think I needed to mention but maybe it would have been helpful to give some of that context beforehand.

I would seriously consider talking to your FIL about replacing some of their lightbulbs with very bright daylight temperature LEDs. Obviously it's not as "cosy" as yellow ones, but I get round that by having daylight temperature ones in the places I spend most time (so for me the study and the kitchen), and yellow ones where I usually am in the evenings. I then also have lamps I can use instead if I don't want daylight bulbs.

They make me feel much much better even thoug ofh they aren't a proper daylight lamp because I am at least getting a reasonable amount of light. She also doesn't have to commit to sitting near them - it might not be as good as proper daylight lamp therapy but if it's passive instead of active it may be easier to achieve?

I would also wonder about some things that aren't formal mental health things but can instead be dressed up as being for physical health - like getting out for a walk in the mornings maybe?

My AIBU is about me feeling like I want to take a step back

So if it’s not about the cooking, the other thing you mentioned doing was inviting her round. Are you proposing that you don’t invite her any more?

It's also a bit hypocritical that you were mad when your mum was asked to help MIL by cooking. She could have just chucked in a few extra ingredients, by your very own reasoning for why MIL could help you out.

It sounds you are really struggling with having a new born and toddler, and are seeing MILs unhelpfulness as one of the reasons why you're being left to struggle along (becuase your life would be easier if she just cooked you a meal a week).

Is there any help you can source that is not MIL related? Frozen meals, playgroups for toddler, DH taking some of the night wakings?

When I read this thread, at first I had utmost sympathy for you. Its utterly exhausting pandering to someone who is depressed and yet wont do anything to help themselves. I agree with you that you arent obliged to help her if she wont help herself, it sounds like she's had multiple doctors trying to help her and she has completely rebuffed all their suggestions to alleviate her depression. Thats on her, not you and in that regard I'd let her get on with it.

But then you said she wont cook for you and you're pissed about it. Why would you expect a woman with untreated depression to be cooking for you? this makes no sense. You're perfectly justified in not going over there all the time or asking your mum to cook for her but why on earth would you expect her to cook for you if she is severely depressed? I just dont get this at all.

If taking a step back is you saying to people that you aren't able to go round to MILs house, then that's fine. If anyone pressures you, perhaps they can look after your toddler and take her/him to see MIL at her house (assuming you are OK with that).

Other than that, given that she's ill and assuming you don't want to burn the relationship with her, send her pics of the DC and be friendly if she calls you. Be nice to her at family events and keep offering for her to visit you.

OP I think your AIBU is about the fact that MIL's family are getting on at you to go and visit MIL - and you've said it's not easy for you to leave the house at the moment (and we've all been there) and you've said a number of times you're happy for MIL to come and visit you, and it might do her good to get out of the house? Have I got that right?

In which case, neither you nor MIL really feel you can leave your respective houses at the moment, and that's fair enough. MIL has FIL with her, so she's not alone - she's got someone looking after her.

So maybe you could arrange a visit for when DH is around, and it's a bit easier? Or maybe in a few weeks you'll feel like getting out the house a bit more yourself, and you could manage a visit?

But if she doesn't feel like getting out (and that is a thing that happens with depression, fair enough), then I don't think you should feel under extra pressure to go and visit her. As PP said, send her texts, let her know you're thinking of her, and send photos of the grandkids every now and then. That's good enough.

Asking a blunt question - do you get a sense that MIL is really wanting you to come and visit with the grandkids? Or is it just that her family, with the best of intentions, is desperately trying to find ways to cheer her up, regardless of what she actually wants?

(Sorry - not implying that MIL doesn't want to see you! Just gauging how important a visit from you is to MIL - compared to how important others think it is.)

@LolaMoon honestly the cooking ask came out of a place of sheer exhaustion and DH works away a lot so a lot of the time it’s just me. DH got angry once he knew she was cooking anyway not when she said no. And he never got angry at her just at the situation . I have cooked meals for her before when I can but she is very fussy with food and doesn’t like 90% of things! When I’ve tried to make Indian food she doesn’t like it either whereas I will just eat what ever I’m given because I’m just grateful that someone’s made me a meal and I get to eat. I can understand why the cooking comment has made us seem ungrateful or not understanding of her situation.

A step back from what?

What are you doing for her that you want to stop doing?

It’s not really clear from your posts which is possibly why you’re not getting much sympathy

YANBU to step back. You’ve made it clear that she’s welcome to visit you any time, so leave it at that.

You have enough on your plate.
All the people hounding you to support her more should do it themselves.

@AllotmentTime honestly it’s not about getting sympathy I welcome the different perspectives so I can make sure I’m am doing the right thing. I think I’m just fed up with it constantly being me that checks in on her and being asked by her family to do things for her when they are very capable of doing it themselves but don’t want to. My DH works away a lot and my FIL has never cooked a meal in his life nor ever looked after anyone! (It’s a traditional Indian family where the man goes out to work and the woman does all the cooking, cleaning looking after kids). Any spare time he has he goes and plays golf with my friends so I feel like it’s just me that keeps in contact with her and makes sure she’s okay, that she’s seen the doctors, that she’s got her prescriptions etc. and I’m also feeling frustrated that she’s refusing all medical help when everyone including her knows she will get better if she does take the medical help. I feel like stepping back because frustratingly she just doesn’t want to help herself get any better and there’s only so much I can do. Her own family need to step up more to the plate and I think I just need to have a conversation with them now about it

Step back and let the men in her life actually step up instead of asking the women to do it

YANBU. She isn’t doing anything to help herself so she shouldn’t expect help or sympathy from others.

Most people manage to feed themselves even with a new born and a toddler OP so I'm not sure why you wouldn't be able to eat without your MIL's assistance.
If you feel she isn't helping her own mental health you would not be unreasonable to step back until she does.

I'm also slightly bemused at your husband asking his depressed mother to cook for you. It also seems that you feel responsible for his mother's care. Why isn't DH the one checking in on her and encouraging her to engage in treatment etc?

@GeneticallyModifiedGrump i can eat without MILs assistance but in my previous posts I mentioned newborn has colic screams for hours on end, DH works away a lot, I moved after getting married away from my family and in the same city as his family so I don’t have my family around. It was just in the first few weeks having just one meal a week would have been so greatly appreciated but we didn’t push her once she said no.

@RegularNameChangerVersion21 DH does need to do more as does FIL and my brother in law. I need to sit them down and speak with them

It sounds like she needs support , obviously with your young family you may be limited so other family members need to step up. It's not really fair to ask her for support either.

Of course it’s exhausting caring for a toddler and a newborn. The thing is, that depression just isn’t logical or rational. If it was, you could give yourself a stern talking to and ‘snap out of it’. You’re looking at it from your logical and rational viewpoint and can’t understand why someone wouldn’t want to help you when you’re so busy and tired. When she’s feeling well again, I hope your MiL is able to give you the support you need. For now, her illness is making her unable to do that.

Believe me, no one wants to feel like you do when you have a depressive illness. If she could pull herself together, she would. It’s not logical or rational either, to refuse medication, but that’s part of the illness too.

I wouldn't be asking a person with depression to cook me a weekly meal because "I'm struggling". Particularly as when they asked for a similar set-up, they were told VERY firmly NO.

Don't get arsey when someone turns down doing the exact thing YOU weren't prepared to do. You say you accepted her "no" with good grace, but even the fact you mention it so prominently in your post... suggests you weren't as graceful as perhaps you think you were. It's very clearly annoyed you.

I really do get how hard it is to care for someone with mental health problems. It sucks. But you are of a sufficient distance to just mentally say "fuck it" and leave her to it. You are "just" the DIL.

Leave her to her own son and her own husband to sort out. You are not her keeper. Don't let yourself feel like you need to be. Back away.

People with mental illness aren't always the easiest people to deal with, especially when they won't help themselves. But you are low enough down the pecking order to dump her.

You sound a bit off.
Depression is a deliberating illness. Yes you may be struggling - but you CHOOSE to have another child.
Your MIL didn't choose to have depression, yes she may refuse to take her tablets but maybe they make her feel worse? YABU.

@zingally the saying no to helping her wasn’t us saying no to her. Had she asked for help herself I would never say no. It was more DH saying no to his aunty who suggested it even though she lives close by and is very capable of cooking meals for her sister and dropping them off. But I can see how unjust that seems if we’re asking if it’s okay for a meal a week if we’ve then said no even though the ask for help didn’t come directly from her

I feel like it’s just me that keeps in contact with her and makes sure she’s okay, that she’s seen the doctors, that she’s got her prescriptions etc. and I’m also feeling frustrated that she’s refusing all medical help

This sounds like you’re trying to get her to accept medical treatment that she doesn’t want.

So yes I would stop making that effort. Stop trying to take responsibility for her health and just focus on you.

Other than that, it’s your DH’s family who have asked you to visit her? And you’ve said no. Again not really seeing what the issue is.

Are you just feeling overwhelmed in general? you have a 4 week old so it’s bound to be both a busy and hormonal time!! 💐

@MyBooksAndMyCats i didn’t CHOOSE to have a baby with colic who screams for hours on end if you’ve read my posts previously. Had this been a happy content baby I would most likely be fine! I asked for a little help in a sleep deprived baby blues state but I can see that it could have been in ill taste asking for help from someone who doesn’t feel able to, but we weren’t to know that until we had asked and she said no.
and she’s never even taken a single tablet before so how would she know if they make her feel worse?