Should I make contact with my estranged mother?

[Tiggal]

About 10 years ago I decided to stop contact with my mother. She was very emotionally abusive during my childhood. Despite this I tried to maintain some sort of relationship with her. However, when she started to do to my children what she had done to me I felt I had no choice but to remove them from this situation.

Over the years she has alienated everyone, including my sister, and I found out this afternoon that my stepfather left her earlier this year. She is now all alone. My sister lives abroad and my mum has limited contact with her own siblings.

I really don’t know what to do. On one hand the pain she caused me over the years is imo unforgivable and I had years of therapy to put it behind me. But she has no one and will be along at Christmas. Do I be the bigger person and make contact with her?

No.

I don't think so. Sounds like she's reaping what she's sowed.

Don't drag yourself and your children back into it. It's not worth the pain she'll cause.

NooOOOOooOOOOooooope.

Why? What benefit would it bring to your life? She is now reaping the consequences of her actions.

She is not your responsibility.

You aren't responsible for her current situation. Don't put yourself in the line of fire again.

No.

I am nc with my mother and if she thought I could be blackmailed into feeling bad for her and getting back in contact she would just use that to manipulate me further.

From what you've said your mither would do the same.

She won't be better this time around, she will be worse because she knows you have some level of concern for her

Why would you? She has every opportunity to contact you but hasn't-
Protect yourself and your children

I think there’s always this little thought in the back of my head that one day things would be better between us, but you’re all right. She won’t bring anything positive to my life, only more hurt.

when she started to do to my children what she had done to me I felt I had no choice but to remove them from this situation.

Why reintroduce them. Sounds like your mother has gotten what she deserves.

Nope

I guess she has gotten what she deserves. It’s just a really sad situation and for some reason I feel this sense of responsibility.

Not a chance. She had the chance to change her behaviour and never did. Don’t put you and your kids through it.

Why are you thinking this? Real life isn't a Christmas movie. No way should you let her back in and expose your kids to that again. Please don't!

That's because you're a good person.

She hasn't taken responsibility for what she has done because she isn't a good person.

No.

Estranged from my mother to, although perhaps very low contact would describe it better.

I always fantasised that over time she would understand that I never deserved to be labelled, called nasty for calling her out on the boundary, usual DARVO + silent treatments and smear campaigns.

3 years on, she has had no insight, no epiphanies, no decrease in her defensiveness and still angry with me for destroying the family. That's what makes it impossible in my view. I can forgive her but I'm not being blamed for the damage she's done to me/the family.

I used to think that insight would be inevitable over time,but now I do not think that :-/

If you think it will make YOU feel better then do

As you say she has alienated and pushed away the people in her life. That is her burden and if she wants to make amends (or at least try) then she needs to be the one reaching out. This isn’t your responsibility, you acted in the interest of your children and yourself. If you treat people badly then eventually they give up you and you end up alone.

You need to protect your children from her. Don't contact her and offer your children up as victims.
Sit down and remember what she did and said. There's a good reason why you are NC and she's in this position. Christmas is just a day and offering your family up for the day is leading to a long term obligation that isn't good for anyone.
I am NC with my abusive mum. I am proud that she's never met my kids and tainted them with her poison. I have ended the cycle and that's good for my kids as well as me.

Whether or not she has got what she deserves, that is not really the point. The point is how you protect yourself and your children from ongoing abuse. That is what you are currently doing. Even if she had come to you on bended knee apologising for her past actions and seeking forgiveness I would be advising you to be very careful before letting her back into your life in any way whatsoever. As far as I can tell from your post she has done no such thing. That does not suggest to me that her behaviour is likely to be any different now than it was back then.

This. Just no. She could have reached out and if she is the only one she will just double down on the abuse.

No, no, no! She has alienated everyone from her life whilst you weren't in it. She should live with the consequences of her own behaviour. I doubt she'll change, but if you go sailing in to rescue her, she definitely won't.
You care about her far more than she did about you, well done for having such empathy. But please steer clear, if she had changed she would not have been left alone. Protect yourself and your family.

If you do, then do it with the expectation that she wont change, if anything she will ramp things up to make up for lost time

She shouldnt have been abusive.

I think you would be unreasonable to do anything that would potentially subject your children to her.
You have a choice, they don't.

Thank you everyone, you’re all right and I needed the reality check. she doesn’t deserve my support. She has never been there for me, even during the times where I was very ill.

I will leave it be, try and push it out of my mind and enjoy Christmas with my children.