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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it really weird to imagine your DH dead a lot?

31 replies

LeftOnAShelf · 21/12/2022 16:20

Or just gone.

I find it impossible to leave him. I'm in therapy. I've read the books, listen to divorce podcasts etc. But I just can't imagine a future where I leave him. can't imagine saying the words. losing our home. it would get so bitter. He would go so mad. The kids would be caught in the middle. It would be beyond awful.

anyway. I can't do it. I think I want to but I'm nowhere near doing it.

But in the last 6 months all I think about is him dying. Sorry. that makes me crazy no?

But I just imagine him not there anymore. Just gone. Like right now he just took the car off for a drive somewhere and I thought "he might die" and then felt free. And then guilty. And then felt confused.

I think about it all the time. A habit I can't break.

It's not normal is it?

OP posts:
Namechanger355 · 21/12/2022 16:21

No not normal. Please speak to someone else more experienced about these thoughts. I’m sorry you are going through this.

Meandyouandyouandme · 21/12/2022 16:25

I had the same thoughts, I’m now divorced, it’s not as bad as you may think to get divorced.

Iwritethissittinginthekitchensink · 21/12/2022 16:27

It sounds like an intrusive thought in relation to the anxiety you’re experiencing. Like the mind seeking an easy way out of a situation because you can’t see any logical way out of it.

It also sounds like you’re catastrophising about what would happen if you leave your DH. Would it help to think slowly/carefully through baby steps of potential solutions? I used to catastrophise about losing my job a lot (no particular reason) but once I actually faced a potential redundancy and had to think through what I’d do (prepare my CV, research and practice interview technique, looked at some job ads etc) it all began to feel a bit less scary.

If your mind feels a bit more prepared about realistic next steps and how you might need to prepare yourself and arming yourself with the tools/support you need, the intrusive thought might just drop away by itself.

Watermelonsugarcube · 21/12/2022 16:29

I kind of get where you’re coming from, I’ve never admitted this in real life but there were times I wished my ex husband would die.

Deep down I never actually wanted him to die, but was scared to leave and him dying would’ve taken the decision away from me. In my case it was embarrassment of admitting to people that my marriage had failed (I married too young and plenty of people were sceptical, turns out they were right), which I realise sounds ridiculous written down.

Anyway, I left him and it was the best thing I ever did and so, so much easier than I ever imagined. Life’s to short to stay in a miserable marriage x

Original poster
LeftOnAShelf · 21/12/2022 16:35

Yeah - it does feel invasive. Basically every time he leaves the house - I think he might die, then I think "Oh he won't now, because I've thought of it" and then as I say, feel guilty and confused. The thought process comes into my head every time i say goodbye to him. It's exhausting and so dark. I don't want him to die. I don't hate anyone enough to want them to die. I went to therapy in the hope to stop these thoughts happening but she wants to keep talking about my past and all other things and the thoughts are more regular and more intense than ever.

OP posts:
Bestcatmum · 21/12/2022 16:35

Yes I was exactly the same. I kept thinking if he died it would all be over. I could get the insurance money and it would be ok. But truth is I needed to act. It was taken out of my hands anyway. One day he upped and left and never came back. I then had to deal with it then and after a while it was OK. I've never been happier.
It's your subconscious telling you it's time to do something about it.

RedPencils · 21/12/2022 16:36

I get where you are coming from.

I’ve been thinking and planning a divorce for so long, too long really and it’s just so hard and I have thought how easier it would be if he just wasn’t here anymore.

In the cold light of day, of course, I know it wouldn’t really be easier, I’d have two heartbroken children for starters.

Im not there yet, but I’m determined to get there in 2023. Life is too short to live miserably.

Cas112 · 21/12/2022 16:39

Your having intrusive thoughts, we all get them. They relate to your anxiety and I would look into how you can deal with your anxiety going forward or even actually going through with the divorce. The thoughts should start to alleviate

SomethingOriginal2 · 21/12/2022 16:42

God I used to pray for it. Honestly leaving is easier than you think. In the run up it feels impossible but it very quickly feels so much easier.

Snoken · 21/12/2022 16:58

I had those thoughts too, and then I realised that I didn't want my kids to lose their dad, so I started to wish he would have an affair so I could leave and it wouldn't be my fault. We're divorced now (my initiative), and it was sooo much easier than I had built it up in my head to be. We were married 20+ years, and I don't miss him at all.

Craftycorvid · 21/12/2022 17:07

It’s your subconscious giving you permission to have aggressive thoughts, OP. There will understandably be a lot of anger and resentment in the frame at the moment, and sometimes we find ourselves having the kinds of daydreams and fantasies you describe. It’s completely normal. Definitely worth exploring in therapy.

BamBamBilla · 21/12/2022 17:10

You're already in that moving on phase as you're imagining a life without him and the scenario of him dying would be easier for you to deal with than confronting the issue of leaving him instead.

You need to face your fears and actually leave him.

Flowersintheattic57 · 21/12/2022 17:19

Therapists are like shoes, if they don’t fit you won’t walk far. Get a new dynamic therapist who actually helps you reframe your thoughts and experiences. You are not a cash cow, if your anxiety is getting worse, crippling your life, she is not the one for you and you are wasting your time and money with her.

Swansridinghorses · 21/12/2022 18:34

Also look into OCD or ask a mental health professional about it as it can be linked to intrusive thoughts.

Andsoforth · 21/12/2022 18:36

I think it’s a phase and you’re sub conscious is working towards a point where you can handle a real separation. It’s overwhelming now, but this is your minds way of finding your strength.

Magicmonster · 21/12/2022 18:43

I get this sometimes. Rational me knows it would not be a good thing, and the kids would suffer, but in other ways it seems so much easier than the alternative. Thinking of everyone else in the same situation

SusanPerbCallMeSue · 21/12/2022 18:51

Yes, I thought it a lot with my ex. He's an alcoholic so it was partly a fear as well. Still is, because it would affect my kids (not that he ever sees them)

Anyway, he's my ex and life is so much easier than when I was with him.

crimewatcher · 21/12/2022 19:05

My sister has told me numerous times that she wishes her husband would just die and soon. She wants to divorce him but is too scared and skint. He's not abusing her, but isn't a very good husband and father. She thinks him dying would be best as his culture wouldn't abandon her or their kids and she would get life insurance money too. It's probably not that uncommon if I'm honest.

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 21/12/2022 19:46

Snoken · 21/12/2022 16:58

I had those thoughts too, and then I realised that I didn't want my kids to lose their dad, so I started to wish he would have an affair so I could leave and it wouldn't be my fault. We're divorced now (my initiative), and it was sooo much easier than I had built it up in my head to be. We were married 20+ years, and I don't miss him at all.

I've wished he would have an affair too, or just up and leave, still do. I was wondering if anyone else would say that. Everytime H is acting a bit strange, acting different to normal I'd think I hope he's having an affair. Or if he's gaming/sulking a lot and ignoring DC I'd hope he'll walk away, leave us alone. If I saw a thread from a person whose partner just walked out I'd think I wish that was me. Why couldn't it be my H that left rather than the poster's, their OH could stay, mine could leave, we'd both be happy then.

For a long time I hoped he'd die, then I wouldn't have to worry about my children being with him without me there and how he'd behave, how he'd damage then mentally and emotionally. He's emotionally abusive, gets angry a lot, expects to be able to dictate and have us all jump to it straight away. I was so angry at the way he treated us and scared, I just wanted him to leave us alone and I couldn't imagine any other way out. I'm not angry like that anymore, I'm still scared but I'm not so lost and I'm taking steps forward now, slowly getting myself to where I need to be to leave.

Hopeyoursproutsarealreadyon · 21/12/2022 19:47

I am not religious whatsoever but used to mentally pray my now exh would be killed in his car on his way home from work..

Original poster
LeftOnAShelf · 21/12/2022 20:05

@LunaAndHerMoonDragons I could have written that myself word for word. When I see H get frustrated with the DC and mutter something under his breath I think "please get so fed up you just do a runner". I also see people on here about disappearing husbands and just imagine the freedom...

Problem is I know DH isn't the type to leave. He would rather be miserable than stand on his own two feet.

But then again I'm being a hypocrite because I'd rather be miserable than brave. I know I could do it all alone because I already do but I'm a wimp. I just wish I could click my fingers and be a single mum. I'd do it all. Just without him berating me

OP posts:
ForgottenWhyImHere · 21/12/2022 20:05

I was the same, on and off over the years and then almost constantly in the time leading up to our divorce.

I believe it's quite common. My counsellor said so and lots of other separated people have told me similar. It would be a way out of your situation without divorcing. Divorce is not fun, but I am so much happier now I'm no longer married to him.

I still sometimes fantasise about him dying because I hate what he did to our life, I hate having to continue interacting with him because we have DC together and because now I see what an unpleasant person he really is.

You are visualising life without him. You can have that life, but you're going to have to instigate divorce to get it. My divorce was a gruelling process, but so worth it. I have a new job, a new partner and am so much less stressed and anxious than when I was married to XH.

Original poster
LeftOnAShelf · 21/12/2022 20:06

Thank you for the advice. The thoughts feel really obsessive. I want them to stop. Because they're dark and horrible and also because I've got to hoping fate will somehow sort my life out for me.

OP posts:
Original poster
LeftOnAShelf · 21/12/2022 20:08

**Got to STOP hoping fate will sort out my life for me...

Oh for an edit button

OP posts:
Scrumbleton · 21/12/2022 20:27

My ExH was awful - I was afraid of him and he used to threaten all sorts of awful things if I left. I routinely fanaticised about him dying - leaving me free, solvent and with no threats to my reputation or that of my family. In the end I left. I left after several years of the threats and deep unhappiness. He executed his threats pretty quickly - sent revenge porn photos etc. he terrorised me and DD for a couple of yearly but eventually stopped. It was terrible but I rebuilt my life and am blissfully happy many years later with my second DH.