Is it really weird to imagine your DH dead a lot?

[LeftOnAShelf]

Or just gone.

I find it impossible to leave him. I'm in therapy. I've read the books, listen to divorce podcasts etc. But I just can't imagine a future where I leave him. can't imagine saying the words. losing our home. it would get so bitter. He would go so mad. The kids would be caught in the middle. It would be beyond awful.

anyway. I can't do it. I think I want to but I'm nowhere near doing it.

But in the last 6 months all I think about is him dying. Sorry. that makes me crazy no?

But I just imagine him not there anymore. Just gone. Like right now he just took the car off for a drive somewhere and I thought "he might die" and then felt free. And then guilty. And then felt confused.

I think about it all the time. A habit I can't break.

It's not normal is it?

So I'm not a professional in health care and I don't want to encourage your thoughts about this. But I do think that thinking about him dying maybe a way of "testing out" how you feel about not having him around in your mind. Leaving someone is a big leap, the logistics of the actual split can be harrowing, but I wonder if your mind is trying to think about a possible "future state" where you are on your own.

Totally normal OP. It's fine as a coping mechanism. However, it only makes you feel good for a few minutes. You need to start getting your ducks in a row. If you started thinking about leaving/separating and how that would work, it might make you feel more in control of real life.

Yes I had these thoughts, to the extent where I was disappointed when a medical emergency turned out to be trivial.It is, I think, a normal reaction to being trapped in an abusive relationship and unable to process how to escape without hurting others. But, finally, I did and it wasn't as bad as I expected and I have never regretted it, just regretted waiting so long. But you will know when you are ready, when you have finally had enough.

I just started to put a couple of presents under the tree and DH took them away again saying they would "invite in burglars who may be looking through the window". We live in a village. Not saying it could never happen but fuxk....I just want to say GO AWAY.

And then I thought about him dying again

It's such a horrible habit and I worried about my mind but I do feel reassured that I'm not totally unhinged!

I've got to find my backbone in 2023. It feels insurmountable to be honest but it can't be

What happened OP? I hope everyone’s OK

I initially thought it sounded weird, but actually reflecting on my own life, I had similar thoughts as a child and teen and early 20 something about my mum and a sibling. Which I think was because I couldn't see a way of their complex and abusive relationship ending, or the complicated relationship patterns in the family ending,.without death.

If you feel trapped, like there is no way out except death, then i think its natural to think about death.

In your case though, divorce is possible and these thoughts should tell you that you need to pluck up the courage to get that divorce. Seek support and try and use a therapist or other MH support to help you develop the skills to leave