Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Would this be too harsh a request?

77 replies

harrassedmumto3 · 21/12/2022 15:35

I have my 21 year old's boyfriend visiting us from France. He has been here for a month already and will return to France a couple of weeks after Christmas. It has all been going really well; I've gone out of my way to make him feel welcome and he's a great guest. He and my daughter are so happy to be together over Christmas for the first time.
I also have two younger daughters who have a thing about opening presents in front of others (I mean outside of our immediate family). It's just a teenage thing, I guess, as it makes them feel uncomfortable and awkward.
I have bought a small pile of gifts for daughter's boyfriend and will be making everyone a lovely meal on Christmas Day. It would never be my intention to make anyone feel left out.
But is there a tactful way in which he could be omitted from the present opening? Blush I know, I know ... I can hear for myself how this sounds when I write it down. But you get the gist.
I'm just trying to keep everyone happy. But this idea won't work, will it? Or can someone think outside of the box and come up with a solution?
Thanks Smile

OP posts:
Moveoverdarlin · 21/12/2022 17:08

Unless you’re opening a rampant rabbit in front of your Dad, I can’t understand why it’s awkward opening presents in front of people?!?

Maybe teenage girls would be embarrassed if it was knickers, or something, but can’t you give them stuff like that later in the evening? ‘Ooh girls, I also got you some underwear for Christmas but didn’t think you’d want to open them in front of Xxxx.’

CPL593H · 21/12/2022 17:09

He is a guest in your home. They need not to be indulged with this nonsense.

Clambering · 21/12/2022 17:10

Christmasinbed · 21/12/2022 17:02

Can they open their main presents with you in your bedroom first thing?

Sorry, my comment was meant to be following on from @Christmasinbed - very sensible!

Whatthediddlyfeck · 21/12/2022 17:17

monicagellerbing · 21/12/2022 15:39

Your two younger daughters needs to grow up. How ridiculous, it's mean to ask him to stay upstairs just because of that! Stop mollycoddling them

This! Although I’m now waiting for the incoming drip feed about the teens not being NT.

Honestly I get that you’re trying to make it perfect for everyone but your teens need to grow up and not be so bloody selfish. Why do you tolerate this nonsense ?

KimmySchmitt · 21/12/2022 17:18

Totally disagree with most on this thread. Yes he's a guest and you have to be polite and make him welcome, but your two younger daughters have had to live alongside him for 6(!) weeks. That's quite a big ask when they won't have had any say in that decision. You say it's gone well so far so it doesn't sound like they're spoilt little madams.

It's hard when you start to grow up and Christmas traditions change. Is there anything else you can do to make it less awkward for them? E.g. get dressed first if you usually open presents in PJs, open as a group rather than one at a time, open later in the day when there are more distractions. To be honest he might not relish the prospect of sitting watching everyone open loads of presents when he's not family. Him and your older daughter might prefer to cook the lunch/go for a walk/have a lie in. I'd ask her.

StaunchMomma · 21/12/2022 17:20

They're older sister is mature enough to understand now, I'm sure.

Agree that it would be best to get her to keep them busy while present opening happens. I'm sure there'll be some washing up that needs doing around that time!

Aprilx · 21/12/2022 17:21

KimmySchmitt · 21/12/2022 17:18

Totally disagree with most on this thread. Yes he's a guest and you have to be polite and make him welcome, but your two younger daughters have had to live alongside him for 6(!) weeks. That's quite a big ask when they won't have had any say in that decision. You say it's gone well so far so it doesn't sound like they're spoilt little madams.

It's hard when you start to grow up and Christmas traditions change. Is there anything else you can do to make it less awkward for them? E.g. get dressed first if you usually open presents in PJs, open as a group rather than one at a time, open later in the day when there are more distractions. To be honest he might not relish the prospect of sitting watching everyone open loads of presents when he's not family. Him and your older daughter might prefer to cook the lunch/go for a walk/have a lie in. I'd ask her.

Nope. Whilst you are correct that six weeks is a long time to have a house guest, the answer is to not then to be rude to the house guest. If six weeks is deemed too long, then don’t have a house guest for six weeks.

KimmySchmitt · 21/12/2022 17:27

@AprilxNope yourself. That's my point, the decision will presumably have been made by the adults in the house (quite rightly, it's their house). So the younger daughters didn't decide to have a house guest for six weeks and from the sounds of it they've been quite accommodating. I don't think it's rude to try to tactfully come up with a compromise so the people who live there get to enjoy their Christmas too.

KettrickenSmiled · 21/12/2022 17:31

But is there a tactful way in which he could be omitted from the present opening?

Why would you even need to omit him, if your teens didn't have their weird geas about present-opening? It's odd they BOTH have it, but not DD21. They've probably encouraged each other in it, & if you allow it to dictate proceedings, it will become a "Thing", when it really doesn't need to be.

There's nothing intrinsically wrong with the teens' quirk, but using it as a 'reason' (more dark thoughts on this later) to exclude the b/f from part of the traditions of the day is NOT OK. It's THEIR quirk, not his - why should the rest of the household tie itself in knots (you worrying here, DD21 maybe pissed off or inconvenienced) to accommodate it?

They can have their quirk, it would be mean not to take them at their word, even though it's a ridiculous bit of posturing, because they need to know that their feelings are acknowledged & respected. But as it's THEIR decision to brandish private present opening as if it's an innate personality trait, THEY can be the ones to leave the room/house/county/whatever they need to do in order to cope with the trauma of removing wrapping paper from mystery objects.Wink

OK - dark thoughts as threatened promised -
If you were arrange the household so that the teens get to have a 'family only' opening ceremony while b/f is ejected, you'd be allowing them to be precious at the expense of good manners. That's not a wedge you want to get on the thin end of: what next? "Everybody must leave the house because I can't eat my museli when you're here"?

Your teens are playing you. This is a tiny attempt to establish control, possibly in response to DD21 having a fancy French b/f, possibly about something else. I don't think it's a biggie, it's typical teen acting out, but if you indulge it, it could grow like Topsy & you'll be creating the kind of entitled attitude we read about on too many threads here.

BanjoVio · 21/12/2022 17:39

I can’t understand why you or anyone else on this post is indulging this. They are children. They do not get to call the shots or make someone else feel excluded at Christmas.

Aprilx · 21/12/2022 17:46

KimmySchmitt · 21/12/2022 17:27

@AprilxNope yourself. That's my point, the decision will presumably have been made by the adults in the house (quite rightly, it's their house). So the younger daughters didn't decide to have a house guest for six weeks and from the sounds of it they've been quite accommodating. I don't think it's rude to try to tactfully come up with a compromise so the people who live there get to enjoy their Christmas too.

The adult is making the decision now too though. And there is no world in which it is ok to be so so unbelievably rude to a house guest just to make two teenagers feel better.

TeenDivided · 21/12/2022 17:47

I think it depends on whether the teens are being 'precious' or whether they are massively anxious regarding this for some reason relating to MH or ND or whatever.

Backstreets · 21/12/2022 17:49

I know some adults with some incredibly weird and exhausting habits, tell the dd’s to get over themselves while their brains are still developing please. It won’t be quirky when they’re thirty

FeetupTvon · 21/12/2022 17:49

Well your teenagers will just have to get on with it.
Plenty of children this year won’t be having presents at all.

TheCurseOfBoris · 21/12/2022 17:51

I get it and I'm an adult. It's the one day of the year they can act like excited kids, drop their cool. Having someone outside the family changes the dynamics.
They've had to accept a 'strange' male in their home for a while now and that may not have been easy for them. Let them have their xmas present unwrapping in privacy. A good suggestion from pp - perhaps take them up to your bedroom.

KettrickenSmiled · 21/12/2022 18:01

TeenDivided · 21/12/2022 17:47

I think it depends on whether the teens are being 'precious' or whether they are massively anxious regarding this for some reason relating to MH or ND or whatever.

Yes, completely this, but if that is the case it needed to be in the initial post.

And as OP has updated since, & seems to be inclining toward the 'acknowledge it but don't pander to it' school of thought, I'm guessing that there isn't a SEN dripfeed coming.

KettrickenSmiled · 21/12/2022 18:04

It won’t be quirky when they’re thirty

Reckon you should get some badges made up featuring this remarkable legend @Backstreets Wink Dog knows there's a lot of parents out there who need one.

I'll pre-order a batch of 100, but I want a significant discount for being customer 1. Also a profit share, this could go global ...

MrsMiddleMother · 21/12/2022 18:05

If your teenagers still feel awkward opening gifts in front of him after living alongside him for 6 weeks there's some serious issues at play. Tell them to get on with it

IsItThough · 21/12/2022 18:11

So my little ND teen couldn't cope with opening presents in front of anyone other than immediate family - finds it hard enough with just us sometimes. All the judgy types upthread simply lack imagination IMO

I think the informal presents idea is a good one, whoever posted it. Maybe have a little moment in your room in the morning with just you and your younger girls if there is something special you want to give them. Deffo dispense with any performative opening rituals for this time!

mellicauli · 21/12/2022 18:11

What if they stay together and he comes next year and then the year after that?He will feel obliged to stand in the hall while you all open your presents? Or will he be allowed to participate once they get married? Families change. You need to welcome new members into the fold.

Windtunnel · 21/12/2022 18:11

KettrickenSmiled · 21/12/2022 18:04

It won’t be quirky when they’re thirty

Reckon you should get some badges made up featuring this remarkable legend @Backstreets Wink Dog knows there's a lot of parents out there who need one.

I'll pre-order a batch of 100, but I want a significant discount for being customer 1. Also a profit share, this could go global ...

😃 😀 😄

Somethingsnappy · 21/12/2022 18:12

harrassedmumto3 · 21/12/2022 16:22

Ughh. Unkind, judgemental and unhelpful Mumsnetter.

Thanks again to everyone else though Smile

Touché! Your response made me laugh, op.

FrownedUpon · 21/12/2022 18:12

They need to just get on with it. Sorry you can’t indulge this. They need to learn to get through uncomfortable experiences like this.

IToldYouAmillionTimesAlready · 21/12/2022 18:12

MrsBungle · 21/12/2022 15:43

For goodness sake they need to get over themselves! Let the poor guy join in on the family Christmas. He’s not a stranger, he’s been living with you for a month!

this

Barney60 · 21/12/2022 18:22

Why not put all gifts on their beds, then no one feels awkward.