Sad about Christmas - AIBU

[TofuWhatAreYou]

I’m probably being unreasonable but just feel a bit sad and emotional today so hear me out.

when I was younger, Christmas was always a huge thing- lots of family, present swapping, massive dinner, games all night, it was just great fun.

we’ve all grown up now- I’m the youngest of my siblings and they’ve all now got to the stage of staying with their partners at Christmas, and this time they’re all going to their partners family for dinner so it’ll be really quiet at ours. It will still be great, just different.

we also don’t really do presents anymore. It’s nothing to do with financial reasons as we’re all financially comfortable, it’s just we all have everything we need and want and it just seems wasteful to buy things for each other for the sake of it so we just decided to leave it. I know my parents and I buy Christmas presents for charity appeals and I think my siblings do similar, and that’s obviously a much more worthwhile cause than buying each other stuff we don’t need.

but… I feel a bit sad about it. I remember as a child how magical it was to open presents and also to see someone open the present you got them (I would buy presents 6 months early so you can imagine how exciting it was to finally see the person open it!!!). I know it sounds petty, but I think combined with the different type of Christmas Day I just feel a bit sad about it all

i know I just need to accept things are different now and we’ve all grown up, and I’m obviously really grateful for the fact we will still have a great Christmas, but I just feel a bit down about it all. It’s like all those happy memories are so far away now and everything has changed so much

I enjoyed reading your post, LondonJax, shopping in 'real life'. Those were the days!

So for adults without kids we should just expect a series of shit Christmases?

This - when you have kids - annoys me, because not everyone can or will have kids and they are still entitled to feel like Christmas is important and that they are important.

I think it's a bit pants that your siblings weren't up for secret santa - how hard is it to acknowledge the other adults in your life. Giving and receiving a gift doesn't have to be about something expensive - it's about someone else considering you and thinking about you, and you thinking about them and what they'd like.

This is why people have children half the time I think! To relive all the great things you did as a kid through your kids (and add on a few new ones too). It's one of the best things about having kids I think.

I think Secret Santa with a theme would be good fun. Set a limit of £15, for example and then say the letter P or the colour green. I would definitely prefer that to doing lots of shopping for things people can buy themselves. I would encourage family to do this next year.

The other point I’d make is that Christmas isn’t magic just because of children. There are loads of things adults can do to create that magic. Go to a Carol service; go to a historical house (Nat trust sort of thing) as they often have festive displays on; go ice skating with friends, volunteer with wrapping Christmas presents for struggling families and children with a local church. On the big day itself, you can plan to have lovely food, plan what TV to watch, plan for a walk to take etc. Christmas is what you make of it. I speak as someone who has had Christmas Day by myself in the past and can honestly say it was lovely as I ensured I kept the magic of the day for me.

Aww OP! Sounds like you have had some lovely Christmas' growing up!

When we are young, the responsibility for making Christmas fun and magical lies with our parents. They shape the Christmas, instill the traditions and work v hard to make sure we have the best time.

Then as we get older, there's a shift and in order for us to have a great Christmas the responsibility for this happening falls to us.

You didn't randomly have nice Christmas' as a kid. Your parents worked hard to make it happen. Now you are older, they likely can't be bothered in quite the same way!

You want a magical Christmas - make it happen!

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Very similar here. Xmas makes me think of the poem 'One without looks in tonight...' - that feeling of being out in the cold looking in at the cosy warm family scene.

Can understand poster's nostalgia - I feel it for something I didn't have but have romantic ideas about.

Aren't you the tantrumming diva that has strops over Chinese food and cries when they don't get ID'd?

If so I don't think you're in any position to be a bitch on someone else's thread.

I'm decades older than you OP but can still get wistful about childhood Christmases.

I can remember the utter disbelief and overwhelming excitement when the day actually arrived. I don't think there's another emotion like it.

It's not about presents because birthdays brought presents but it didn't feel anywhere near as exciting as Christmas. And we didn't have mass family Christmas's like on the adverts. But it was an incredibly special day.
I've had immense joy and extraordinary experiences throughout my adult life but I understand that desire to experience that particular, Christmas excitement and happiness again.

Definitely not unreasonable OP. I like the PP thoughts on buying something and wrapping it up for next year. In fact there’s probably a business venture there for all of us that would like a surprise gift to unwrap on Christmas Day.

my children have flown the nest but I still like the magic of Christmas, in the sales last year I bought a few gorgeous decorations that originally were very over priced and I’d forgotten about them until I opened the decorations box a few weeks ago, that was a lovely surprise.

happy Christmas to you.

It's a cliche also..
It makes relatives stressed about everything being right for the children..
Then the single adults get left out..

I totally get the wistfulness OP. I have very fond memories of Christmas as a child and had quite a few years of being a single adult and feeling Christmas was diminished, especially in years when it was only three of us there - knowing it was a hassle for my mum who wanted to keep it simple after years of hosting for family, but not having a big enough place to host them myself.

One thing that helped me was having something I felt I could contribute, something that would be a bit special or memorable to do with family. For me that's usually cooking so there'd be certain foods I'd always make and new ones I'd try out. At an adult-only Christmas you can take a more simple pleasure in appreciating a special recipe, especially one that reminds you of your childhood Christmases, and sometimes this is the only reason I can tell the years apart - 'the time we made a Bundt cake' or whatever it was.

This year I'm pregnant and I know both me and my mum are really looking forward to a special Christmas next year, even if the little one won't remember it.

Why is everyone going on like it’s all about children? I don’t think it needs to be- organise a games night/ meet up weekend over Christmas with good movies and games. You obviously want presents - tell everyone next year you do want a secret Santa or presents because there might be a book some clothes jewellery or a game you’d like- you’re not ruining the planet if you buy something you’ll use!!!! Hugs op, my db said similar to me recently and I’m disgusted we’ve let him and my mum down so much so have started visiting and creating more bustle. Oh and make sure you buy a tin of chocolates and biccies to watch home alone or Harry Potter with. And hang some tinsel!!!

I think Christmas as an adult is very different, making your own traditions that suit you is important. Pre-kids my ex and I would go to a midnight carol service on Christmas Eve, having spent the evening with my sister and her DH. Christmas Day we’d rotate his family and mine, we’d also plan some years to be on our own with nice food etc.

Think about what you enjoy, try some new things and see how it goes. While I love all the Christmas excitement with my kids, I do miss some of those child free adult Christmas traditions.

Christmas has changed a lot for my family over the years. 10 years ago we would have big family Christmases with aunties, uncles, cousins and grandparents. One year we had 21 people for Christmas dinner. It was fab while it lasted but just not a sustainable way of continuing to do Christmas when everyone grows up and has other people that they need to consider.

All 5 of the “grandchildren” are either married, engaged, or in stable relationships. One cousin lives in Australia, my other cousin’s wife’s family lives in Canada. My brother has two kids. And it’s not just our family - my fiancé’s brother has a girlfriend who wants obviously to consider her family and their various other arrangements which affects where/how FBIL spends xmas.

A big family Christmas all together would not only be impossible, impractical and unpleasant.

The joy of Christmas now is making new traditions and expanding what the idea of family means to you; focussing on the food, fun and family and enjoying the whole Christmas period rather than the one day.

😂😂😂

Rubbish! We enjoy Christmas, giving and receiving presents, the films, food, decorations etc and don’t plan on having any children.
Infact I have nieces and nephews and I don’t find Christmas relaxing spending it with them. It’s too hectic and exhausting.
This is exactly why some parents think childfree people should work every Christmas and it’s just not right.

I got you OP, I’ve been thinking why I can no longer be bothered with Christmas as an adult, when we had such lovely times when I was a kid. Over the years we’ve stopped with the presents, parents are no longer with us, family has broken down … So I usually just leave the country. I’m in the UK this year so I’ll cook a good meal, have a drink, & I’m watching all the Christmas films on Netflix. I just can’t stand what Christmas has become, we used to make our Christmas, today people buy it.

You might have everything you need, which is great, but I don't think you can ever go wrong with a carefully-chosen book that reflects someone's personality. Shows you've taken the time to think about the person.

Seems to be the way to go in Iceland on Xmas Eve, anyway!

www.countryliving.com/life/a46204/jolabokaflod-iceland-christmas-reading-tradition/

I know what you mean OP we had lovely Christmases as a child full of family playing games and laughing. My Christmases are still good I have grown up children who I love but I still miss the old childhood Christmas.

I am gob-smacked at that. I read nothing of the sort, I definitely read a post from somebody missing Christmas of their childhood.

Wow! And then you complain about how others have treated you! Unbelievable..

As I said to DH recently, you can't continue to celebrate Christmas like it is still 1985!

DH's family live 6 hours away. We've spent virtually every Christmas with them and this year I put my foot down as DD is 4.5 and I wanted nothing more than for her to wake up in her bed Christmas morning and for us to establish our own traditions etc.

BIL got very funny about it.

Infuriates me no end when the "partner" feels they have to justify why they want Christmas with their new family units.

I fully agree. I felt the same. Now I'm married with two little children and the magic has returned, but differently- I now experience Christmas through their eyes. They are SO excited, and I'm putting lots of effort into making it really special for them, which if course is fun for me as well. If you want kids, that will be the case for you as well I expect.

I spent a few years dreading each Christmas actually. I was single, my siblings were partnered up, and I just felt lonely at Christmas. I'd consider going away for Christmas or maybe booking dinner out on Christmas day - doing something different makes it better as you're not trying to replicate childhood memories.

I know what you mean, OP. Take no notice of the idiots calling you grabby. I'd say it's nostalgic rather than grabby.

Christmas changes as we get older, move away from home, establish our own homes and maybe families too.

My Dad died just over 18 months ago and although we hadn't all spent Christmas together for a long time, it still felt like something changed. Still does.

This year my very elderly mother will be spending Christmas in hospital. We will be visiting of course, but she is several hours away still and it is not easy, especially with rail strikes etc.

I've wrapped all the presents and so on, but it just doesn't feel like Christmas at all. For me personally Christmas has now unavoidably changed beyond all recognition from what it once was.

It's nobody's fault, and I'll make the best I can of it, but I do sometimes think that you go through something of a mild grieving process for times past when everyone was still here.

Life does go on though. It never stands still. We have to adapt and make new traditions as we go forward. It's hard, but you have to get on with it and you will be glad you did eventually.

I totally get what you mean and I dont agree that Christmas can wait until you have kids. However, Christmas is what you make it- go out and do some christmassy things. Book a concert,play, theatre, cinema, plan a film night with lovely food, go shopping for yourself, meet up with friends for a boozy lunch, see a choir, go to a Christmas service by candlelight etc.. have a night away in a hotel/spa etc (sounds like you have the finances to do that). Take control of your Christmas rather than relying on others to make it special.

With regards to the presents, I kind of see where they are coming from. Ive had people get me all sorts of presents that I really didnt need or want and whilst I was grateful for the thought, we then ended up asking everyone what they wanted to ensure it was a wanted gift. Then it just became ridiculous because its no longer a surprise and you are both spending money on stuff you already know you're getting and could have just bought yourself without the hassle of rushing round the shops and wrapping it up. Spending time with people is what Christmas is all about and it doesnt have to be on Christmas day to enjoy someone's company. I think you are placing too much pressure on yourself about what christmas "should be" (this picture perfect film version) when really, it can be anything you want. Take control of Christmas and do some lovely things for yourself. Then, meet up with family afterwards. There are many of us who dont have large families (me included) and it doesnt mean Christmas has to be bleak and sad.