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Original poster

WTF did this narc manbaby mean when he said this at the beginning of our relationship?

29 replies

tengreenbottleshanging · 21/12/2022 11:57

....'I may hurt you but it would really upset me if I hurt you but I can't promise that I never will....He meant emotionally ,as in my feelings. Anyway nearly three years down the line, he has hurt me and let me down badly so I've dumped him.His behaviour became increasingly controlling, bossy,impatient and a little snidey so I posted here and it turns out that he had more red flags that I could admit to myself at the time. Was he telling me who he is, warning me , what was he doing ???? Strnage comment but I was too loved up and tbh it only came back to me this morning.

OP posts:
CruCru · 21/12/2022 11:58

He knew he was going to behave badly but accepted no responsibility for doing so … because he’d warned you in advance.

Niki357 · 21/12/2022 12:00

Firstly im so sorry youve been hurt and had to go through that! But from my experience with things like this, he was basically telling you he IS going to hurt you but I done the exact same thing and he hurt me but the best thing you can do now is cut all contact if you can and more on, it'll get easier!

Keyansier · 21/12/2022 12:01

It sounds like you're still in love/have feelings for him from your post if you're still thinking about him after already posting on here about him before, and since dumping him.

I'd recommend you get those thoughts out your head if that is correct because from what you wrote it sounds like he might have psychopathic tendencies.

EadnothTheStaller · 21/12/2022 12:04

CruCru · 21/12/2022 11:58

He knew he was going to behave badly but accepted no responsibility for doing so … because he’d warned you in advance.

Yes, exactly this.

Original poster
tengreenbottleshanging · 21/12/2022 12:04

What kind of fucked up nonsense is that???? So, he knew three years ago that he was going to end up being a let down and hurt me , so at a time when he was trying to woo me; he decides to drop this. So, he knows he is a bastard and behaves like this intentionally ,is it ? He did the exact same thing to his ex partner of many many years.

OP posts:
dontgobaconmyheart · 21/12/2022 12:06

Does it matter? Best to not give him or it headspace really.

People who say things like that are a walking red flag. Presumably on some level they get a power play out of warning you off but relishing in the fact that you find them so irresistible you give it a go anyway, and set the dynamic of the relationship up from the start as themselves in so doing. He may as well have said he had no intention of treating you well, won't ever care about you as much as you do him and has no intention of trying. There is a reason why men like that look for women with low self esteem.

Sorry this happened OP, he sounds pathetic.

Original poster
tengreenbottleshanging · 21/12/2022 12:08

Honestly, I have absolutely no feelings for him and he is 100% out of my life but what I'm trying to do is make bloody sure I never end up with a shitshow like him again.That statement was beyond strange but I didn't clock it at the time and just thought he was a little bit mad or something.I buried it , clearly.I didn't think that fuckwits like him went around announcing that thet were indeed, fuckwits.

OP posts:
RegularNameChangerVersion21 · 21/12/2022 12:11

Yes it's a very odd comment to make at the beginning of a relationship. I imagine he knew he was going to behave badly because he has past form for it. Sounds like he was almost pre-excusing himself for being a controlling prick. Glad you're rid of him OP!

HelsyQ · 21/12/2022 12:12

What he said is fucked up but you staying with him after he said it is also crazy.

but if it’s a lesson learnt then it’s not wasted, thank god it’s over and you’ve had the strength to cut it off now and not continue with his shit.

lynthesearesexpeople · 21/12/2022 12:13

He was telling you he’s a cunt and he doesn’t care.

Ijuststoodonlego · 21/12/2022 12:13

Yes it's weird. Well good luck to him navigating through life in that manner.

Dodged a bullet as they say OP. I liked the thread title, good choice of words: narc manbaby. What an utter tool he is.

EmmaDilemma5 · 21/12/2022 12:15

It sounds like he's probably had some bad feedback from previous relationships so knows he's not a particularly good partner. Some people just don't treat others around them nicely and I guess he knows that about himself.

lynthesearesexpeople · 21/12/2022 12:16

tengreenbottleshanging · 21/12/2022 12:04

What kind of fucked up nonsense is that???? So, he knew three years ago that he was going to end up being a let down and hurt me , so at a time when he was trying to woo me; he decides to drop this. So, he knows he is a bastard and behaves like this intentionally ,is it ? He did the exact same thing to his ex partner of many many years.

Yes. He’s a twat. And he will keep doing it, until his looks or health fade and then he will settle with someone for convenience so he won’t end up a dad old man on his own. He will still be a dickhead to that woman, but not so much that she will leave him.

(My dad had a lot of friends like that, that’s how they all played out).

lynthesearesexpeople · 21/12/2022 12:17

*sad old man

Original poster
tengreenbottleshanging · 21/12/2022 12:17

Thinking back, and I do think it's important to give it headspace to reflect and make sure I avoid these horrid creatures in the future, I was vulnerable.I was a year out of a marriage with a cheater, very stressed life with kids etc and he said on many many occasions..'I'm really glad I've met someone...'Not 10greenbottles, but someone/anyone. Even then, I felt peeved thinking about why he wouldnt use my name but the reality is , we spent a lot of the relationship through covid so I think he was just grateful for company, sex, anyone. Just not me specifically. If I went against him, there really was hell to pay. He spoke with such viciousness and nastiness about others( and now me no doubt) especially his exes. A vicious tongue.So glad Im away from this loser.His behaviour towards me mirrored his behaviour towards his ex in the EXACT same way!

OP posts:
fenellavonspurtz · 21/12/2022 12:19

"I'm a cunt but if I pre-empt being a cunt and pretend to be contrite about my cuntery she will forgive me as I'm struggling with my big boy feelings." Sorry OP.

PinotPony · 21/12/2022 12:21

Men slagging off their "crazy ex" is a huge red flag. You'll know for next time...

lynthesearesexpeople · 21/12/2022 12:49

Yes, I would almost always stake my house on the fact that the ex was never “crazy”. Or, if the poor woman did end up at the end of her tether, it was due to the behaviour of the man who now deems her “crazy” or “mental”.

I never, ever continued seeing a man who slagged off his ex girlfriends. I used to cut it off immediately. You can tell a lot about a person with regard to how they speak of ex partners.

When I met dh, he explained that he’d broken up with a girlfriend of 4 years a year previously and it was because they had grown apart and realised they wanted different things - fair enough. No mention of her being crazy, no slagging her off, just that he wished her the best.

And people that are nasty about others are nasty about you too.

You are well rid OP.

Next time, just make sure you are strong on your own boundaries from the outset so when you recognise the screaming red flags, you will block them and move on immediately.

CruCru · 21/12/2022 14:17

A crazy ex-girlfriend is someone who has been treated badly and hasn't been terribly pleased about it.

SomethingOriginal2 · 21/12/2022 14:23

I intend to hurt you and it'll be your fault. I'll be sad that you put me in that position.

CruCru · 21/12/2022 14:26

Isn't this the sort of thing that Bridget Jones called "fuckwittage"? It wasn't great literature but this was spot on. "Go out with me properly and treat me nicely or leave me alone".

FOJN · 21/12/2022 14:28

Testing you to see if you stay which he interprets as permission to hurt you.

I wish I'd listened when the man I later married told me his previous partners had said he was difficult to live with.

Nagado · 21/12/2022 15:08

...'I may hurt you but it would really upset me if I hurt you but I can't promise that I never will....

I’m going to treat you badly and hurt you. Please don’t take it personally; I do it to all of the women I get involved with because I’m an arsehole. But you can’t get angry with me now, because I gave you fair warning. And if you do get angry with me, then you’re clearly just another crazy woman.

Original poster
tengreenbottleshanging · 21/12/2022 19:33

His ex, I must say is absolutley lovely.I reached out to her after the start of the ignoring/silent treatment as I couldn't reconcile the man I had fallen in love with, with this cold,heartless fish.He said some absolutely awful things about her, really damaging but I never told her those and she clearly has no idea that he held her in such contempt.She has moved on with years, is happy and getting married soon so is well and truly over that stage of her life.She was so kind and sensitive.She had huge empathy.She said that he brought her to places she didnt know she could possibly go to such was the torment of being stonewalled, ignored and regularly discarded for social occasions that he didnt want her at. She said she came out of that, miserarable and destroyed, her self esteem in tatters, stones overweight from comfort eating and a shell of her former self but that was after many many years. His treatment of me was a carbon copy of hers .Isn't it incredible to think that such nasty and dangerous lurk among us and play victim ???The worrying thing was that he believed his own bullshit.

OP posts:
EmmaAgain22 · 21/12/2022 19:39

OP "I couldn't reconcile the man I had fallen in love with, with this cold,heartless fish"

some cognitive dissonance here
he spoke viciously about others, was that from the start?

that's a huge red flag - on top of him actually warning you that he would hurt you, which also suggests he does it in a planned, deliberate way.

anyway, time to move on.