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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL and presents.

31 replies

FleeceDuvet · 21/12/2022 10:36

This would be very outing if I added details
of the gifts so I’ll keep it vague.

It’s my birthday today.

I don’t have much of a relationship with SIL (DH brothers wife) after 15 odd years of weirdness from her. She’s a bit of a shopaholic and goes mad for buying presents. One year when DD was small she presented her with three bin bag sized sacks of gifts at her party at my parents house, it was embarrassing and awkward. It’s only really got worse over the years. We get a giant gift bag each for Christmas (family of five). my birthday bag this year was a normal sized gift bag and I was relieved. Until I opened it.

Quite often the gifts are things she would love but very not me. (think nick nacks or candles or gin liqueur)

This years gifts are lovely. But too lovely. One of the items in particular is something high-ish end and perfect for me but far too expensive. Even if that was the only thing. The total of all the gifts in the bag is easily in the hundreds. We haven’t actually spoken for a year because I called her out on some shocking behaviour and she ghosted me. DH and his brother are fine. I’m embarrassed and weirded out. DH says I’m overreacting (and she probably got it in a chazzer, I don’t believe this for a second).

We definitely don’t have the sort of relationship where expensive thoughtful gifts would be appropriate. I have never ever reciprocated in kind, I buy either what she directly asks for or something I know she likes but always around the £25-30 level that I spend on other adults in the family.

I don’t know how to deal with this. I know some of you will think it’s a non problem but it clouds my birthday every year. i find it embarrassing and uncomfortable to be given so much, and so much value. Weirdly it’s somehow worse that this particular thing is something I wanted (she wouldn’t have known that) and will use. Previous gifts have been unused and ended up at the charity shop.

i have addressed this with her and her DH several times over the years btw. Her DH says she is a great bargain hunter and she claims to stick to a £25 per adult budget. I think he’s completely fucking deluded but ok.

OP posts:
Original poster
FleeceDuvet · 21/12/2022 10:43

I know this is a ridiculous problem to have by the way.

OP posts:
User135792468 · 21/12/2022 10:44

Maybe it’s her way of reaching out and making amends?

Cherrysoup · 21/12/2022 10:45

Just give it back and say no more presents, you’re trying to cut down on clutter.

RedPandaFluff · 21/12/2022 10:45

Gosh this is a strange one. I think I'd be uncomfortable too. It sounds like she has a bit of an addiction - is she well-off? Can she actually afford to spend this money? If she can, maybe it makes her happy to give extravagant gifts?

RegularNameChangerVersion21 · 21/12/2022 10:45

YANBU to feel uncomfortable op. Without knowing your sil it's impossible to say why she's doing it.

I know someone who overbuys gifts but in her case she has ADHD and also low self esteem due to issues in her past. She finds it difficult to connect and tries to compensate with gifts, combined with poor impulse control it tends to be not even well chosen gifts. It probably makes people feel awkward but is well intentioned.

Someone else I know has a mil who will use gifts as an act of aggression (eg knowing that the parents want to buy a certain model railway for their child she'll arrive two days before Christmas with a huge model railway in an alternative brand which isn't compatible). In her case it's definitely NOT well intentioned.

No idea what you should do about it apart from not engage. Thank her politely as of she'd sent an appropriate gift and move on. The gift giving, whatever the motivation, is clearly more about her than you. It sounds like she's a difficult character generally who might have wider issues so I'd be inclined to be sympathetic while acknowledging that her issues aren't yours to solve.

RunLolaRun102 · 21/12/2022 10:45

She’s probably reaching out

dogtheted · 21/12/2022 10:46

Sounds like an olive branch.

Original poster
FleeceDuvet · 21/12/2022 10:48

It’s not about reaching out as this is every year. We used to be quite close until I called her out on one thing she did (I never used to but this one thing pushed me over) and she literally ghosted me. This was after fifteen years of speaking daily. I did think this years gifts would reflect that but she’s gone overboard again.

OP posts:
FangedFrisbee · 21/12/2022 10:50

Can't you just accept them and move on?

MelchiorsMistress · 21/12/2022 10:51

It might feel awkward, but doing anything other than graciously accepting the gifts would be even more awkward for more people so just enjoy it.

Original poster
FleeceDuvet · 21/12/2022 10:51

RegularNameChangerVersion21 · 21/12/2022 10:45

YANBU to feel uncomfortable op. Without knowing your sil it's impossible to say why she's doing it.

I know someone who overbuys gifts but in her case she has ADHD and also low self esteem due to issues in her past. She finds it difficult to connect and tries to compensate with gifts, combined with poor impulse control it tends to be not even well chosen gifts. It probably makes people feel awkward but is well intentioned.

Someone else I know has a mil who will use gifts as an act of aggression (eg knowing that the parents want to buy a certain model railway for their child she'll arrive two days before Christmas with a huge model railway in an alternative brand which isn't compatible). In her case it's definitely NOT well intentioned.

No idea what you should do about it apart from not engage. Thank her politely as of she'd sent an appropriate gift and move on. The gift giving, whatever the motivation, is clearly more about her than you. It sounds like she's a difficult character generally who might have wider issues so I'd be inclined to be sympathetic while acknowledging that her issues aren't yours to solve.

This is food for thought, thank you.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 21/12/2022 10:51

Yeah she sounds awful; giving you very generous presents- what a bitch 🙄

Send her a thank you and if you want to then reconnect with her

billyduck · 21/12/2022 10:52

It is a bit odd. Personally I would accept the gift graciously at the time but then not utter one word about it afterwards. She might get the message you find it a bit full on if you stay muted and quiet. It may be an olive branch and a way of you "getting to like " her - especially if she is socially a little challenging

DunkingMyDonuts · 21/12/2022 10:54

No idea what you should do about it apart from not engage. Thank her politely as of she'd sent an appropriate gift and move on. The gift giving, whatever the motivation, is clearly more about her than you. It sounds like she's a difficult character generally who might have wider issues so I'd be inclined to be sympathetic while acknowledging that her issues aren't yours to solve.

I think this is great advice. You can't change the way she acts, only your reaction to it. Thank her and move on.

Original poster
FleeceDuvet · 21/12/2022 10:55

FangedFrisbee · 21/12/2022 10:50

Can't you just accept them and move on?

That is what I will do, what I’ve always done. I’ve had conversations over the years (as has DH) with both of them, setting limits and pleading with them that we don’t want piles of stuff. She does all the shopping and he doesn’t get involved.

Weirdly I get the bulk of the gifts. DH and the kids get a lot but she goes into overdrive with mine. I think there’s a bit of competition at play (which is weird because I don’t play the game) as I do know she has been jealous of me over the years for odd things (house, children, relationship with MIL have all come up).

OP posts:
Original poster
FleeceDuvet · 21/12/2022 10:57

And I know it’s a bit odd that it upsets me so much but it’s a weird trigger for me that gets me every time.

It’s so difficult to talk about in real life as there’s no good way of saying it without sounding ungrateful and strange.

OP posts:
ohioriver · 21/12/2022 10:58

Happy birthday!

Original poster
FleeceDuvet · 21/12/2022 11:01

ohioriver · 21/12/2022 10:58

Happy birthday!

Thank you!

OP posts:
Original poster
FleeceDuvet · 21/12/2022 11:21

I’m just going to enjoy my item and get over myself.

It shouldn’t matter to me what her motivation is and I need to stop overthinking it.

Our financial situ is broadly the same although they probably have more ready cash, if she wants to waste it on gifts for me to make herself feel good (or whatever it is) then I will sit back and enjoy.

OP posts:
YellowTreeHouse · 21/12/2022 11:38

YABU. This isn’t an issue. Enjoy the gift, donate it, sell it or chuck it away.

There’s no such thing as too many gifts or gifts being too expensive. There’s no obligation for you to reciprocate.

Why on earth would you be embarrassed your daughter got so many lovely presents? I think you’re just ungrateful.

Original poster
FleeceDuvet · 21/12/2022 12:12

YellowTreeHouse · 21/12/2022 11:38

YABU. This isn’t an issue. Enjoy the gift, donate it, sell it or chuck it away.

There’s no such thing as too many gifts or gifts being too expensive. There’s no obligation for you to reciprocate.

Why on earth would you be embarrassed your daughter got so many lovely presents? I think you’re just ungrateful.

This was a party for a 5 year old, school friends and family. We did the present opening (have since changed views on doing that at the party). Dd opened normal gifts from my parents and siblings and her friends. And then great big performance from sil going to the car and coming back with these massive massive bags full of clothes and toys. It was very very uncomfortable. It was never ending.

OP posts:
Toomanysleepycats · 21/12/2022 12:49

My Dd used to be like this as a child. She is one of a dozen cousins. Every Xmas we would go shopping together. I had a £10/15 budget for each child. She would spend AGES finding just the right gift, we’d wrap it together and post it. She would be so excited by the thought of them opening it.

She didn’t seem to mind that she get a £10 Amazon voucher in return for £50 of presents (I did though). She carried this on for ages, even when spending her own money.

She really gets taken over by the idea of the pleasure the present will get when being opened. I know she was often disappointed by the lack of effort people made in return, but that was not what drove her in the first place.

Now she has a partner, her efforts tend to be confined to close family. Her DP understands this need of hers and always makes sure he makes a good effort. I personally don’t understand it, I’m more of a ‘I’ll match their gift’ sort of person, though I’ve always made a big effort for my Dd, which she knows and understands.

I don’t know why your SIL does what she does, but could it be this? Does she overbuy for everyone or is it just you?

Your irritation is because she’s not playing by the ‘rules’ and is making you feel guilty. I agree this may be more about her and her needs, than yours.

No suggestions, other than receive the gift with all the grace and pleasure you can muster.

TodayIsFridayHooray · 21/12/2022 13:17

Well this is Christmas! Accept the gifts. Thank her. Use the ones you like, re-gift or donate the ones you don't want to charity.

Easy really.

TodayIsFridayHooray · 21/12/2022 13:20

FleeceDuvet · 21/12/2022 11:21

I’m just going to enjoy my item and get over myself.

It shouldn’t matter to me what her motivation is and I need to stop overthinking it.

Our financial situ is broadly the same although they probably have more ready cash, if she wants to waste it on gifts for me to make herself feel good (or whatever it is) then I will sit back and enjoy.

Yes! This :) 👍

bananaboats · 21/12/2022 13:28

I can understand why it makes you uncomfortable. It sounds like quite attention seeking behaviour to me. Not sure there's much you can do about it though as refusing the gifts completely will make you look like the bad guy regardless.