SIL and presents.

[FleeceDuvet]

This would be very outing if I added details
of the gifts so I’ll keep it vague.

It’s my birthday today.

I don’t have much of a relationship with SIL (DH brothers wife) after 15 odd years of weirdness from her. She’s a bit of a shopaholic and goes mad for buying presents. One year when DD was small she presented her with three bin bag sized sacks of gifts at her party at my parents house, it was embarrassing and awkward. It’s only really got worse over the years. We get a giant gift bag each for Christmas (family of five). my birthday bag this year was a normal sized gift bag and I was relieved. Until I opened it.

Quite often the gifts are things she would love but very not me. (think nick nacks or candles or gin liqueur)

This years gifts are lovely. But too lovely. One of the items in particular is something high-ish end and perfect for me but far too expensive. Even if that was the only thing. The total of all the gifts in the bag is easily in the hundreds. We haven’t actually spoken for a year because I called her out on some shocking behaviour and she ghosted me. DH and his brother are fine. I’m embarrassed and weirded out. DH says I’m overreacting (and she probably got it in a chazzer, I don’t believe this for a second).

We definitely don’t have the sort of relationship where expensive thoughtful gifts would be appropriate. I have never ever reciprocated in kind, I buy either what she directly asks for or something I know she likes but always around the £25-30 level that I spend on other adults in the family.

I don’t know how to deal with this. I know some of you will think it’s a non problem but it clouds my birthday every year. i find it embarrassing and uncomfortable to be given so much, and so much value. Weirdly it’s somehow worse that this particular thing is something I wanted (she wouldn’t have known that) and will use. Previous gifts have been unused and ended up at the charity shop.

i have addressed this with her and her DH several times over the years btw. Her DH says she is a great bargain hunter and she claims to stick to a £25 per adult budget. I think he’s completely fucking deluded but ok.

Could it be an act of malice in the sense - you've told me not to do this, well I'm going to show you how little I care by doing it and not only that but I'm going to go over and above and there's nothing you can do so it's makes her feel like she's in control and has the power etc..

No idea how you would deal with this, but definitely not the suggestion above from Cherrysoup. That is supremely rude and could, rightly so, cause problems for years to come

Just thank her as normal and carry on.

This is how I take it. Rightly or wrongly. I find it oppressive and controlling.

I understand. I've had something similar on a much smaller scale and it took me a while to work out while I felt so uncomfortable receiving the gifts.. I then realised whether they were doing it consciously or subconsciously there was this element of control and wanting to attach themselves to us more than we wanted.. So the motive was different than in your situation but still it was using the gifts not in a loving and kind way for definite..
I still don't like receiving them, it's a horrible feeling comes over me like there's all these unnamed strings attached and like you say, very difficult to explain to people..

Because you get the bulk of the gifts, and they are more to her taste than yours,this makes me wonder if she has a shopping addiction. If she is addicted to buying things in general, it may be that a number of your gifts are things she has bought online then regretted/ not liked once they arrived, free gifts with purchase and that sort of thing. It also would explain why she goes overboard with gifts in general.