to expect some sacred moments with DC

[Pumkinpatch2]

So, I might just be a miserable cow, but I really have a problem with constant video calls and filming “so everyone can join in the memories” on special days like Christmas and my DC’s birthdays. I don’t mind a short video call on the day, but I’m talking having an audience of people viewing on video call while my children open their presents etc. Call me selfish (as I’m sure my DH’s family already are), but I like to have the opening our presents part of the occasion just for us, or whoever is visiting - so is physically present (I’m not adverse to people joining us for the day). I will video them opening presents from grandparents etc to send to them, I just don’t like an audience for the part of the day that I’ve tried to make special for my DC.

So my sis came to visit for my eldest DC birthday recently and I asked politely if she could stop a video call with my DH’s entire family just while we opened DC’s birthday presents etc. (They had already been video calling for quite a while with all of the DC).
Anyway, she stopped the call but I discovered later on that she’d secretly filmed the boys opening all their presents and sent it on to all the family later on. I didn’t make a fuss about it as it’s not really worth it, but I just found it sneaky and I don’t understand why they all have to be involved in every second of DC’s birthday, and why videos of them opening particular presents, photos and a video call on the day aren’t enough?

YABU - they are family and just want to be involved in DC’s special days as they can’t be there in person.
YANBU - they should respect your boundaries and not force themselves into every family moment/ be satisfied with a video call at some point in the day/photos and videos of them opening particular presents.

What would happen if you called them after you've had your " sacred moments"? I'm guessing the family would maybe kick off for a bit, then get on with their lives? Give it a try and let us know how you get on.

That would drive me insane. I hate video calls. So intrusive.

I think it’s really bad that your SIL filmed your DC secretly, what was she playing at?! My in laws love a video call and treat 7 month old DD like a performing seal which drives me mad, but I think (hope) even they will just be satisfied with a simple call on Christmas morning.

It's ridiculous I refuse to do them.

So my sis came to visit for my eldest DC birthday recently and I asked politely if she could stop a video call with my DH’s entire family just while we opened DC’s birthday presents etc. (They had already been video calling for quite a while with all of the DC).Anyway, she stopped the call but I discovered later on that she’d secretly filmed the boys opening all their presents and sent it on to all the family later on.

Why would your sister be secretly filming for your in laws?!

I wouldn't really care about setting up a laptop to cover the sofa and ask the kids to sit there to open but I wouldn't be holding a two way conversation or actively filming.

I do think you're rather over reacting but it depends rather on the level of interaction needed on these calls. And calling them 'sacred moments' is slightly odd, present opening is a near religion to you?

Your house your rules, and sil was damn disrespectful.

I would be furious. Children have opened their presents without the need to be videoed for centuries. I would have a ban on any filming if I was hosting. One or two photos and a text is plenty.

Same here.

I used to react with proper horror at the suggestion and have a ‘No way are we doing that, sounds awful for everyone!’ response. And I meant it.

If pushed as to ‘Why not?’ the answer was simple: ‘Because I don’t want to.’

And I’m not even that assertive.

p.s. you will get the piss taken out of you for ‘sacred moments’, OP, but I think I get what you mean. You just want some privacy. So demand it. You are allowed it.

@Melon9 haha, yes bit of a dramatic word choice I admit! It’s just my way of speaking - like the saying ‘nothing is sacred anymore.’ I just mean that every moment has to be documented and shared to the extent that that’s more important than actually just being in the moment. I guess I just find it intrusive, not a near religion for me no 😂

@Shinyandnew1 sorry typo SIL

@FourChimneysI know! It drives me bonkers.

I absolutely hate video calls and won't do them.

You need to say no more.

@AutumnCrow thanks I appreciate your response. I feel the same but people look at me like I’m an alien if I say it out loud.

The word ‘sacred’ is just a saying around where I live - it’s not meant to be taken so literally. It’s supposed to be a bit hyperbolic for dramatic effect lol.

Totally get it - it spoils the moment when you’re trying to negotiate a conversation on a device at the same time!

I'd consider propping it up on a sofa or something on the understanding we’re not going to be holding it / interacting and they can just watch our little one open his pressies.

But actually thinking about this I don’t think I would do this either?! It would distract our son and make him feel like a spectacle - I just want him to enjoy being in the moment especially as this is the first year he gets what Christmas is.

I will take some videos - as much for me as for anyone else - and share those later.

@Trying2bemum its the spectacle of it that bothers me too. I mean it doesn’t keep me up at night or anything I just find it irritating as it feels like I’m not allowed any private moments with DC on special occasions. I guess it’s a me problem too, I also hate being involved in the spectacle.

Eurgh, I’d hate this.

Dh’s family already calls for a video call for a couple of hours on Christmas Day if we’re not with them, it’s too much. They get Dd all riled up and it’s often late at night when I just want to sit and relax and not have a phone panning around the room whilst I’m eating cheese & crackers 🙈Dd should be in bed but they keep her up and she’s a nightmare

I despise them. But 1 set of grandparents live far away (they speak to kids by video call every couple of weeks) and I'd happily video kids opening their specific presents, and send it, if asked. Usually I take a few photos and send later. But opening presents from others including us? Sod off

My parents video called my sister in my daughter’s funeral. I don’t get this constant video calling at all. If you can’t be there then no worries see some photos afterwards.

Will you feel the same when you are the grandparent missing out on things?

I’ll probably get jumped on, but I’m struggling to see the difference between video calling, taking time to film the kids opening their presents to be sent to family, and actually having people there. You stick your phone on a stand, and you just let them get on with it, whilst pretending you can’t hear a word they’re saying, then when it’s all over, a quick bye, and you’re done for the day. Given that most MNers’ don’t appear to like their “extended family” intruding in their private time (parents, siblings, let alone partner’s family, at least this way you don’t then have to it spend the entire day, or more, in their company - seems like the ideal solution.

More fool you for agreeing to this silly tradition. We never have. Sounds irritating. Tell them your not going to anymore. Get dc to FaceTime them, for literally 5 minutes, afterwards, playing with said toy.

DP and I are happy leaving the young 'uns to it. A couple of photos afterwards is a bonus. To know they're happy and chilling out as much as they can is a bigger bonus.

The years with young children (and the years simply being young adults) are tough ones. We don't want to add to pressure, I guess because we remember what it was like to be juggling other people's desires all the time.

They are being bizzarre!

No one cares about someone else’s kids this much, they just don’t.

Why would your sister bf care about unwrapping a present, nevermind his family?!

It's odd and I wouldnt be doing it. I would record my child maybe opening a grandparents present and send it but no I wouldn't agree to live calls during a an immediate families celebration. This would annoy the hell out of me

Well I'd not want to be on a video call most of the day in the first place, but given your sister and children appeared to want to do that on the birthday, and you were OK with it in principle, I can't see your rationale for wanting to keep some parts 'sacred'?
If you don't want to share these events, that's your right as a parent to decide, but I think you need to either allow it or not rather than deciding based on what you'd like to keep to yourself. Your children may want to share these moments with their absent family members of course, so I'd factor that into my decision making.

YANBU, I hate video calls. I don't mind a short one on DC birthday or Christmas but will not be propping my phone up in a corner so a relative can watch us all open presents etc. I feel really self conscious on video calls and hate it when DP is on one to his parents, he'll turn the camera on me and DC playing and they'll just watch in silence until they've had enough.