to expect some sacred moments with DC

[Pumkinpatch2]

So, I might just be a miserable cow, but I really have a problem with constant video calls and filming “so everyone can join in the memories” on special days like Christmas and my DC’s birthdays. I don’t mind a short video call on the day, but I’m talking having an audience of people viewing on video call while my children open their presents etc. Call me selfish (as I’m sure my DH’s family already are), but I like to have the opening our presents part of the occasion just for us, or whoever is visiting - so is physically present (I’m not adverse to people joining us for the day). I will video them opening presents from grandparents etc to send to them, I just don’t like an audience for the part of the day that I’ve tried to make special for my DC.

So my sis came to visit for my eldest DC birthday recently and I asked politely if she could stop a video call with my DH’s entire family just while we opened DC’s birthday presents etc. (They had already been video calling for quite a while with all of the DC).
Anyway, she stopped the call but I discovered later on that she’d secretly filmed the boys opening all their presents and sent it on to all the family later on. I didn’t make a fuss about it as it’s not really worth it, but I just found it sneaky and I don’t understand why they all have to be involved in every second of DC’s birthday, and why videos of them opening particular presents, photos and a video call on the day aren’t enough?

YABU - they are family and just want to be involved in DC’s special days as they can’t be there in person.
YANBU - they should respect your boundaries and not force themselves into every family moment/ be satisfied with a video call at some point in the day/photos and videos of them opening particular presents.

Also lets not forget that video calling is a relatively new concept. I don't think its good for people to feel pressure to be available all the time.

Hi OP’s MIL

Everyone needs to live according the values and ethics that make them feel most genuine/authentic. I am, therefore, happy for those who want to record every moment, post it, send it, video it, whatever. But I prefer to travel without a camera and I find it intrusive when others insist on documenting my experiences.

@Sweettruelies I am so not! DC too young to have children yet. But I do try and put myself in other people’s shoes sometimes. My MIL lives distance from us, so do try and facilitate her being part of our Christmas even when she can’t be here, even if not always something I want to do. But there is compromise. So no 24/7 video call but some video calls. Particularly 2 years ago when she was stuck at home on her own due to COVID restrictions. Due to rail strikes and bugs looked as if that might be same situation this year but hopefully something is now sorted

Nah it's weird. I hate video calls and wouldn't be able to relax with one going. These things didn't even exist when I was a kid and no one felt they were 'missing out'. Grandparents and other relatives can't expect to be present for every event, if you can't get to my house then that's it as far as I'm concerned.

Nuts! I send presents to my great nieces and nephews who live far away. I would never expect to video call or receive a video of them opening them. As it happens we usually face time that part of the family in the evening on Christmas Day and the little ones will come on for a second to say thank you. That is fine for me.

Why do people make giving presents about the giver?!

"Sacred" ? Do you even know what that means? Are you worshipping the god of consumerism, then?

I would just ignore it. If someone wants to open a video call when DC are doing something I wouldn't force DC to interact with it and they will probably ignore it too. Nor would I worry about getting in the way of it either. If people want to have a video call with crap picture because they are trying to see people who are doing something rather than talking to them that's their lookout.

I suppose you leave a laptop webcam pointing at a pot of sprouts simmering for a few hours.

Yes I'm not sure why it's so very different either. I wouldn't be making any specific effort for them like zooming in or panning the room or makking kids acknowledge the camera,, just plonk camera/device on a table or chair in the corner of the room and let it capture whatever is in view. Maybe you could put a time limit on how long for and then ring off.

And I fail to see why it's private or sacred - it's just kids ripping open loads of gifts in a frenzy of consumerism. I live half a world away from family and all the little ones, I really appreciate it if they try to include me for some family events.

But if you don't want to that's your perogative. And I would be cross as SiL doing it secretly when asked not to.

@Francisca459 yes I know what the word sacred means. As I said previously I mean the word ‘sacred’ to be taken as in the phrase: ‘is nothing sacred?’

“used to express shock when something you think is valuable or important is being changed or harmed”.

We say this a lot where I am from in many different contexts, it’s not meant to be taken so literally!

I was talking about this with friends and a Christmas party yesterday. I don't share the requirement for 'making memories' in the form of constant video and photographic documentary. I think my parents have about 12 photos of me from birth to teenage years (🤣) and they remember all the big moments perfectly. Wider family members seemed to have the imagination to enjoy hearing about it all when we saw them in person, they didn't need to be there. I'm no it saying it's wrong, but now the technology exists I think for some people it can seem a little intrusive. I'm just offering support by saying it's understandable.

YANBU OP.

I would absolutely hate to have to be on show like that.

I'm glad this wasn't a thing when my kids were small.
Didn't have a smartphone or webcam when they were babies but used to take a few photos to put in thank you cards.

that would drive me nuts! we videocall grandparents to say thank you after they've opened presents. at xmas the kids will often spend the call showing granny all the presents santa brought, but the grandparents don't demand it (tbh i'd say they'd happily skip it).

Urgh. Who even wants to watch that over video call? YANBU

Ignore the twats questioning your use of the word ‘sacred’, I got what you mean and I hate all the #blessed and #livelaughlove crap.

I think SIL was a twat to secretly film after you asked her not to.

Don’t invite her again.

I find it incredibly weird that family would not possess the self awareness, empathy or respect for your family. Is it the advent of smartphones, social media etc that gives the impression you NEED to record & broadcast every moment of your DC life. If grandparents give gifts, thank them later. It's not normal to even want this intrususion. Your DC don't exist to validate other people's image of themselves as 'good' grandparents. I'd be fuming with DS, it's intrusive. What's the point in having an ocassion if your children's experience of it is only for show?
Feck that!!!