Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset/annoyed at MIL?

49 replies

lottie198 · 21/12/2022 06:53

It was my sons first birthday party on Sunday. My partners family turned up with his niece and said that's she's not very well, she's got a cough and sore throat. But please can she come in as she's so excited for the party. Well it put me in an awkward position , so I said she can come in but keep your distance from my son. Well she's a child (8), she didn't really keep her distance and kept coughing. They know how I feel about getting illnesses and I always say let me know before you come etc.
My little boy had about 2 months of constant colds and viruses recently. It's all a natural normal part of building immunity. But it's still awful for him and means many sleepless nights. He wasn't eating well etc for those 2 months and it really knocked him about. I decided a few weeks ago I was going to take him out of his baby groups for a few weeks so hopefully he wouldn't catch anything and we can have a nice Christmas etc. I know he can catch something anywhere but we've not been to many places and he used to catch a lot from those groups.
Okay... fast forward to now , he's been up all night with a temp and not very well. He's clearly caught it off my partners niece. Im upset and annoyed because this could mean he's not well for Christmas either. Am I being unreasonable for being absolutely fuming at my partners family?

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 21/12/2022 06:54

Why does your title say MIL? Clearly not her fault.

You should have said no if you didn't want her there.

KangarooKenny · 21/12/2022 06:55

He could have caught it off anyone at the party, or anywhere else that he’s been.

ZED55JAX0 · 21/12/2022 06:56

I think you should have said no to be honest! I know it’s awkward but you should have said please don’t come, we’ll celebrate with her once she’s better for a belated birthday - or something!
I think they should not have come, but equally you should have said no to them too

Original poster
lottie198 · 21/12/2022 06:56

girlmom21 · 21/12/2022 06:54

Why does your title say MIL? Clearly not her fault.

You should have said no if you didn't want her there.

Because she was the one who brought her. His niece lives with her.
Yeah well it's hard to turn someone away at the door Isn't it? Especially a child

OP posts:
Dulcetto · 21/12/2022 06:56

YANBU but as someone with a sick child over the weekend, it was 2 days of really poorly (thought it was going to be a GP/antibiotics situation) but out of nowhere they perked up and now a few days of not 100% but functioning ok. Xmas is still 5 days away so fingers crossed for you.

ZED55JAX0 · 21/12/2022 06:56

Ps don’t understand how it’s MIL fault?

Original poster
lottie198 · 21/12/2022 06:57

I should've explained that his niece lives with his mum and she's the one who brought her along

OP posts:
Merlott · 21/12/2022 06:58

YABU to stop baby groups and then throw a party!!

Of the two types of event, a party has a much wider mix of other children attending who will run around and spread their germs.

If you were that concerned you should have cancelled the party. Dc is 1, they won't even remember it.

Unfortunately it's just that time of year and you are doing the right thing to try and reduce exposure if DC is struggling.

Original poster
lottie198 · 21/12/2022 06:58

Dulcetto · 21/12/2022 06:56

YANBU but as someone with a sick child over the weekend, it was 2 days of really poorly (thought it was going to be a GP/antibiotics situation) but out of nowhere they perked up and now a few days of not 100% but functioning ok. Xmas is still 5 days away so fingers crossed for you.

Thank you. Glad your little one is better. You are right, hopefully he's not too bad.

OP posts:
pidgewidgeon · 21/12/2022 07:00

They shouldn’t have put you in that position by turning up with the niece but you should have put your foot down and said no, she’s not coming in. At the end of the day, you made the wrong decision to avoid any awkwardness and now your son is poorly as a result.

What’s done is done, is there anything to be gained by getting angry with family over the situation now it’s past the point where you can do anything about it?

Next time it happens, stand your ground!

I hope your son is feeling better soon.

Original poster
lottie198 · 21/12/2022 07:00

Merlott · 21/12/2022 06:58

YABU to stop baby groups and then throw a party!!

Of the two types of event, a party has a much wider mix of other children attending who will run around and spread their germs.

If you were that concerned you should have cancelled the party. Dc is 1, they won't even remember it.

Unfortunately it's just that time of year and you are doing the right thing to try and reduce exposure if DC is struggling.

The party wasn't a big party. It was a few family round with some cake. There was one child there other than my son. It was mainly adults

OP posts:
Purplechicken207 · 21/12/2022 07:03

Honestly, having a group of random kids together in winter....? As a now mum of 2, including a toddler, this is just how it is. Yes she shouldn't have attended imo, but if you were concerned, considering this is the winter of a million bugs going round, you shouldn't have held a party. Especially right before Christmas if christmas illness bothers you. You live and learn

Original poster
lottie198 · 21/12/2022 07:07

Purplechicken207 · 21/12/2022 07:03

Honestly, having a group of random kids together in winter....? As a now mum of 2, including a toddler, this is just how it is. Yes she shouldn't have attended imo, but if you were concerned, considering this is the winter of a million bugs going round, you shouldn't have held a party. Especially right before Christmas if christmas illness bothers you. You live and learn

It wasn't a lot of children. She was the only child. It wasn't a party as such. It was both our families round to come and see him. It was only at my house. I think people are imagining a big party with lots of kids. It wasn't at all.

OP posts:
Purplechicken207 · 21/12/2022 07:12

I realise my response wasn't very sympathetic, sorry OP. I'd have been the same with my first but honestly once they start nursery they get everything going and you just have to get used to it. My toddler is currently on the mend (and on antibiotics, as am I) and the baby has woken up screaming with a high temp. It's just life with smalls, especially if at nursery and even more so when mixing with ever-changing groups of randoms at baby groups! All of whom will mix with other groups and potentially nurseries.
Kids gp up and down quickly, all being well he'll still be fine for Christmas 🙂

Original poster
lottie198 · 21/12/2022 07:16

Purplechicken207 · 21/12/2022 07:12

I realise my response wasn't very sympathetic, sorry OP. I'd have been the same with my first but honestly once they start nursery they get everything going and you just have to get used to it. My toddler is currently on the mend (and on antibiotics, as am I) and the baby has woken up screaming with a high temp. It's just life with smalls, especially if at nursery and even more so when mixing with ever-changing groups of randoms at baby groups! All of whom will mix with other groups and potentially nurseries.
Kids gp up and down quickly, all being well he'll still be fine for Christmas 🙂

Yes you are right. Which is another reason I kept him from the baby groups. Because he had those string of viruses, finally got better and was getting an appetite again etc. I return to work Feb and he starts nursery end of Jan, I know for a fact he will probably get something every week. Hence why I wanted a germ free Christmas. I was also really ill last year after having a PPH so didn't have a Christmas. I suppose it's trivial compared to the worlds problems but just wanted a safe space to voice my feelings. Thanks

OP posts:
Sugargliderwombat · 21/12/2022 07:26

I've had this too OP, I said no to holding the baby but I think when someone is so brazen to turn up ill you doubt yourself and wonder if you are being precious. It's only after I thought really I should have left myself (I was a guest).

Shoxfordian · 21/12/2022 07:27

She sounds very manipulative tbh; is she usually like that?

Dacadactyl · 21/12/2022 07:30

I think you're being massively OTT.

I mean yes, having a poorly child isn't fun, but at the end of the day, I wonder how some people get through life if every illness is to be avoided at all costs. Kids get ill, the world doesn't stop just cos someone has a bit of a sniffle.

Hunkydory99 · 21/12/2022 07:45

I understand your frustration as I’ve got a 14 month old who’s been constantly unwell for 4 months. We’ve taken him out of nursery for this week and next to give him a break as either one of us is off with the older kids.

However, when they asked you if she could attend unwell you should have said no however awkward. And secondly you have no way of knowing it was the niece who has shared her germs. Any of the guests could have been unwell or carrying a cold/virus and not displaying symptoms at the party.

Merryclaire · 21/12/2022 07:57

YANBU. Obviously LO will get ill from time to time and sometimes being exposed to germs is unavoidable. But this case was preventable and exposing him wasn’t MIL’s call to make.

She should have called ahead to discuss it with you. It puts you in a very difficult position to turn away a child on your doorstep, as that feel very mean.

IMO it was selfish of them to decide that it would be ok. Of course you don’t want LO to be ill over Xmas. Your niece will be ok by then but your baby may still be poorly.

I hope he recovers quickly.

girlmom21 · 21/12/2022 08:02

If MIL hadn't have turned up, would we have a thread about you being upset she always makes excuses?

B1993 · 21/12/2022 08:02

I'm sorry to say it but also agree that you ABU. Kids get poorly and while it's not fun, I don't think you can particularly shield them from it and you just have to get on as PPs have said.

MIL informed you about the illness before coming in and, at that point, you should have said something if you weren't happy.

I'm sad to say but I've had many of disagreements with the in-laws after putting my foot down on certain issues. 🤷🏻‍♀️ While it is awkward and can cause friction (or at least in my case), you have to stand your ground if you feel strongly about something and not complain about it after the fact.

I do hope your DS feels well soon though! We're in the same boat and have covid (caught from work - I'm a teacher so not the same circumstances). Not sure if any of us will be well for Christmas, which is less than ideal but not about to complain to the kids we've all caught it off 😅

RunnerDuck2020 · 21/12/2022 08:06

YANBU - so cheeky of her to just turn up with an ill child, most people would have called first to check whether you minded. It’s quite hard to turn a small child away at the door, which is what your MIL was betting on! I’d be cross too.

FrangipaniBlue · 21/12/2022 08:10

I'm with the OP. Who takes a sick child (or anyone who is sick for that matter) round to someone's house to mix with people?

Sharing your germs is utterly selfish.

We had a 2 day team meeting last week, 10 of us in a meeting room for 2 days. My colleague sat there coughing and sneezing everywhere, with a bottle of cough medicine on the desk like a fuckin trophy.

I've been poorly since Sunday and the plans I had made with friends Monday and Tuesday had to be cancelled. One of which was a meet up with someone who I haven't seen for months, her husband has been having cancer treatment so understandably they have been trying to avoid catching anything while him immune system is compromised. We couldn't take the risk me passing my stinking cold on to her.

If people don't realise they have something infectious and I can into contact with it then fine. But there is literally no excuse for mixing with others when you KNOW you are sick.

We don't accept it with D&V type illnesses so why do we accept it with coughs and colds?

Dacadactyl · 21/12/2022 08:20

@FrangipaniBlue because the world would literally stop if everyone who has a cough or cold started hibernating. It's just not practical.